Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist

So I know I’ve been pretty non-existent around here for a bit. Things have been hectic at work (has been put in for a promotion because he’s been busting his ass) and there’s just been a lot going on in general. Not to mention the ol’ head space hasn’t been all that great lately.

I did want to drop in and at least let people know I’m still around. Things are only going to get more crazy for at least the next month or so too… I still want to write, I just need to find a way to get more spoons in the proverbial drawer to pull from though. 

Some of you have me on Discord and I’m honestly usually able to talk more there and can usually get up to a little light RP from time to time. If you’re not on my list and want to poke me, you’re welcome to add me so long as you let me know who you are first. Dusty Qrow#6861 is my handle.

When I find the energy, I will still be replying to things here so if we have something going, it’s not lost. I’m holding on to it, unless you don’t want me to. Just let me know. I’m more than willing to do other things later too if you’re up for it. 

That about does it for now I think. Thanks for putting up with my crazy attention spans and energy levels. I love you guys and miss you.

I am an 18+ ONLY (preferably 21+) person

“Yes, you are,” Roy grinned as he started finding the files he needed for his research journal that was due at the end of the week. “And don’t think for a second I can’t handle anything you’re capable of Ed. Remember… I grew up around very over protective big sisters. Nothing you could throw at me would be worse than what they were capable of… that I can promise you.”

Catching the smirk out of the corner of his eye, Roy couldn’t help the softer look that came to his face. It was odd… as much as he liked Ed riled up or even being softer… that middle ground was his favorite. “And don’t go making it sound like it’s a death sentence that I’m ‘stuck’ with you. Besides, remember those sisters? If you act up too much… they taught me ways to make you behave.” That fond look faded to something a bit more playfully sinister. “My Aunt was in charge of more than just the bar after all.”

“Yeah but I am a big sibling myself, which means I know how to really be difficult.” he teased, “There’s more than one way to be a pain.” he was still smirking, he was having fun. Still slightly annoyed at the book being held out of his reach but that was fading quickly now. Ed had more fun with the joking around and teasing each other for fun part of the relationship.

Dad's not doing well. He is coming home from the rehab center tomorrow to Hospice care which is basically end of life so I'm gonna be helping my mom out as much as possible...

Started new job last week and still at the old one until the end of this month and the hours are kicking my ass. Been too exhausted all around for much and that's not gonna let up any time soon.

Fullmetal Alchemist: Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist

Roy wouldn’t let go of him, not for a moment, letting him sob it all out if need be. He’d seen how hard things were on Ed, questioned to himself why he put himself through so much. Of course he’d had his suspicions but he’d never felt it was his place to ask… even now he didn’t think it was… not until Ed started mentioning ‘he’ and ‘him’ and how he wasn’t around, how he hadn’t come home… hadn’t since he was twelve…

The pieces started to click. All of the time Ed spent working when most his age couldn’t be bothered… how he doted and worried over his brother… Why he always looked so tired.

Still not letting him go, Roy only allowed himself to pull back enough to look at Ed. “Wait… are you trying to tell me that you and Alphonse have been alone there for the last five years?” The shock was almost as prevalent in Roy’s voice as the concern. “Ed… why… why? Why haven’t you told anyone? Why do this to yourself?”

Roy’s heart broke even more. He remembered how it had been for his father and he was an adult. Even he hadn’t been able to handle it… how had Ed done it all of this time? There was no way that Roy could let him keep doing this to himself, but what could he do? He was only a college student himself, not much older than the blond now breaking in his arms. He hadn’t even been able to keep it together without years of therapy when his parents had… when… when… when his father had killed his mother and then himself. What good would he be to Ed? Roy didn’t even know where to begin to try and figure any of this out.

“Ed… I… I…” he stammered, tripping over his own tongue. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do it alone, wanted to tell him that he’d help him… but he didn’t know if even he could, despite his best intentions and desire. He hated seeing Ed like this, hated knowing that so much was resting on those shoulders… and there wasn’t a damn thing he could think of to do about it except just hold him while his world seemed to be falling apart. “I… I want to help… I don’t know how but… please…”

For a moment, Ed held on tighter and felt scared feeling Roy move back. Even just slightly, and eased up to sit himself and let the other pull away that small bit, not feeling brave enough to look up. Not strong enough. It was out in the air now, he told someone. Someone new. Maybe not directly but pretty straight forward enough to not have it be hidden or danced around. Not a lie or a brush off of “he’s working late” or “he’s at some fancy meeting a few cities over for a conference” 

Ed didn’t know if he’d ever told anyone else about Hohenhiem being as out of the picture as he really was.

“……….why would I?” he asked, voice weak from crying and just knowing he’d opened a box he’d never get a lid back on. Not here anyways, “Mom died when I was nine, he’s never around now…..I know what it looks like. It’s neglect and reckless child abandonment and whatever other word they want to use to say he’s unfit as a parent. And they’re right….and then they’d come take us away from home.”

Away from home, away from where their mom had raised them, given him and Al such precious and important memories. Taken away from the Rockbells and maybe even from their schools, the few friends they had there, “We’d go in the system, right? Or a court case would happen to figure it out, Hohenhiem brought on charges, a whole big thing, yeah? That sounds great. While we’re at it, I can say I’ve never been to therapy that was ordered for me, or that I work full time in high school, or maybe that I forge his signiture when I see the doctor so that they don’t think anything is wrong when I show up there again from exhaustion.”

He looked up at Roy finally, still crying, voice shaking. Not even a bitter smile could be pulled up. Every fear he had over the last five years rushing out because finally, finally, he had someone in front of him he was willing to trust enough to let listen to it all, “What then, we go into foster care? Maybe some nice couple comes along and wants to try and adopt us or something? Parents don’t always want two kids, foster families can’t always keep both siblings. You think I didn’t look into it? When things first started getting bad, before I knew the checks weren’t enough anymore and I needed to do something more to make sure we were okay… I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t stay somewhere wondering where Al was, or what happened to him, if he’s okay. He’s all the family I have.

“It scared both of us, so we lied. We still lie. The school thinks he works late and leaves early, doctors have Pinako down as another emergency contact we’ve kept up since Mom first asked if she’d do it in case anything ever happened when we were kids. Because as soon as someone finds out we have, as soon as they know what it actually is at home-”

He and Al would be taken away. They’d be dragged to court, put in the system, maybe even separated from each other. From the people and things they knew and cared about. Ed just had to grit through and bear it. Just a little longer, just until Al was eighteen too. Then they’d be legal adults, and it wouldn’t matter if Hohenhiem got called out on his bullshit. Until then, Ed just had to push though. He had for this long, what was another year and a half or so…?

    Don’t ever talk to me                              My desk                                     Or my 3 piles of paperwork

SEND ME A 🔑 FOR OUR MUSES TO MOVE IN TOGETHER!@actualflamealchemist

Riza sat a box down and looked around the apartment. It was a bit crowded and more then a bit disorganized right now. Boxes were stacked or sat on furniture in every room, although they were at least usually in the rooms that they belonged in. Packing paper was in front of some of the boxes where a few necessary items had already been unpacked. Furniture that needed putting together was leaning against walls.

But even though it was a bit of a mess, Riza couldn’t help the smile that graced her lips. She and Roy Mustang were moving in together, and that in and of itself was cause to smile. If you had told her a few years ago that this was what she would have been doing, she wasn’t sure that she would have believed it. And yet, here they were.

Of course, part of it was simple economics. Living alone was expensive and the both were students and were in school. They got along well, knew each other well and, well, they were together, so it only made sense. But they also both wanted to do this. Riza knew that she, at least, was satisfied with this arrangement, and was more then happy to be living with Roy. There would be adjustments, she was sure, but she was also confident that they could weather through them.

It was already everything Roy had to keep the dam shut but then Ed had to go and apologize… and how could he ask if he hated him? Before he could even blink to stop it, the bead of tears that had built up just inside his lower lids let go and down his cheeks they streamed. 

“Hate you?” he half choked even trying to ask the question. Lifting Ed’s hand, both of his own now wrapping around it, Roy brought it close to his face. “Never…” he whispered against it. His eyes then looked over the knuckles of the hand he clasped, trying to meet Ed’s gold. “Why would I?”

In his chest, Roy’s heart was pounding and he was shaking, though he didn’t entirely realize it, but then he’d actually been doing so for the better part of the last hour at least… maybe since they’d still been at his apartment. It didn’t help matters that he hadn’t eaten a thing since lunch time, which was hours ago. He was just too worried and anxious to be able to. It might also have been from the fact he hadn’t taken his medication either…

“I’m just glad you’re okay. You scared the crap out of me Ed… I knew I should’ve thrown those damn things away. I don’t even know why I keep them, it’s not like I ever use them…”

Roy was very clearly blaming himself for this. He’d known that Ed hadn’t been in the best head space, had known things were strained. Why hadn’t he just paid a little more attention? Why had he left something like that where he could even find it? He’d set up the opportunity for Ed to give in… it was his fault for not being better. 

The old thoughts raced through his head, the ones that plagued him daily for the first few years after he’d gone to live with his Aunt. Why hadn’t he been enough? Why hadn’t he done more? What could he have done that he missed? This was his fault. If he’d paid more attention…

If he hadn’t listened to his father and hidden in the closet… if he’d come out sooner… if he’d just been better they never would have been in that situation… if… if…. if….

“I should be apologizing to you…” 

There were a million reasons Ed could have thought of. To him, there were at least a million reasons why. At the top of the list now was watching Roy cry. Over him, of all people. Because that was how stressed Roy had been over all of this, how upset, how worried he’d been over Ed having gone and done something so incredibly reckless as he had. Something that far surprassed forgetting to eat, or not sleeping, or going to work with a cold. 

His fingers tried to curl around the hand holding his again, around both of them. Ed didn’t realize how badly he wanted to hold and touch someone else right then, but it hurt. Listening to Roy hurt, “No you shouldn’t…..it’s not on you, it’s on me. I decided to take the bottle, and……shit, Roy I had so much in me before I even got to your place and I just remember the nausia and wanting to stop it….” he tried to give another weak little squeeze, “You don’t have to apologize for anything about it.”

That tight ball twisted harder in his gut and he held himself tighter with it, trying to will it away at least for now. Or maybe he shouldn’t, maybe it was what he deserved anyways for doing this. His body was probably a mess as it was, on top of the newfound exhaustion, and the stress, and that self-lathing still eating away at him. Ed swallowed back the want to cry and it wasn’t enough, he was just too tired to do more than let the tears fall.

“……I do….” he managed, voice cracking more with strain or the tears, Ed didn’t know. He didn’t care either, “….I hate me…..” he didn’t deserve this. To have people worry over him this much when he did this kind of thing to them. Stressed them out, made them cry, he didn’t deserve people who were going to do that to him if he was going to just throw it back in their faces with shit like this. He didn’t deserve it.

“I hate that you’re wanting to blame yourself…….I hate that I’m always tired and feel like a mess all the time…….I hate that I don’t feel like enough, and that I got everyone worried because I couldn’t get through it………I hate me…..”

He didn’t want to give the feeling a name. He knew what it was, deep down when he first started recognizing he felt this way. Giving it a name made it real. It meant doctors and medication, it meant “how do you feel today” and talking to professionals. It meant admitting something was wrong, that something in him was wrong and out of balance. Ed couldn’t afford that, he couldn’t afford to be less.