Toga_kinnie

Nickname is Alex :P (Trust me, you won't be able to pronounce my real name.) 14 yr old homicidal and self destructive hazard :D She/Her but in an androgynous way get it get it Asian (Indian!)

my back and stomach have been hurting unnaturally for a while now. it hurts to move. it's a dull throbbing pain 24/7.

i complained to my dad.

he told me that he's the one who's already unwell, so i shouldn't create a scene.

we came back home, and i rested for the first time today. but my mother started giving me chores, while two other perfectly capable family members were free. i quietly started helping her, but i made the grave mistake of expressing a minute amount of annoyance. my mother asked me, "why are you so mad all the time? there's no reason for you to be so mad." and i made another grave mistake of expressing myself and complained about everything that's happened today. like, a child would do to their mother, right?

she was exasperated. said, "why must you always create a scene?" and then she was disappointed. "then go, you don't have to help me. at the end, it's only i who has to do all the work, right? go, go and scroll on your phone. you're in so much pain, aren't you?"

she yelled at me to go. so i went. then she came out and yelled at my father, and then my father yelled at me. for its always my fault.

it's then when he finally asks, "should i give you some medicine?"

but i'm perfectly fine.

there's something wrong with me. but i must not burden others.

i must not express myself.

sometimes i wish i could pass out in middle of going about my normal day. it's one of my greatest fantasies- me going to my coaching centre to study in a windowless room for 4 hours straight and collapsing while turning in a homework which was assigned in middle of school exams. maybe only then will they see how much i suffer.

please, i do try. i don't know how i'm still going, but i am. Sure, i am perfectly able to carry the burden, but people fail to understand that burdens can be heavy too. You cannot accept my burdens and simultaneously expect me to function as a normal human being.

Normal human beings don't wanna commit. Unfortunately, i do!

i hate it when i come home after a long day of acting like a functional human being and suddenly my dad gets mildly annoyed so he says something snarky which triggers my mom and now she wants to kill herself but i gotta do the damage control because my dad is still pissed, my mom is still suicidal, and my grandmother is acting oblivious to what happened so i gotta convince her NOTHING HAPPENED WE ARE A FULLY LOVING AND FUNCTIONAL FAMILY!! <333

and now i need to study again because i have MORE EXAMS from coaching centre cuz we have no life. and because of these exams I'm gonna miss a festival. a religious festival. i don't wanna relapse. i really dont. i'm trying, really. i am. but my mom is mad. my dad is mad. my grandmother is mad.

the pharmacist:

made a new account just to be on shtblr :3

(No, not gonna tell my old one.)

Currently dying rn school exams ended but coaching centre be kicking my ass. My school exams ended today. We will have another exam at coaching centre on 28th. One this Sunday and another on 5th.

We have vacation from 28th to 2nd. Sure...I'll just...study in vacation.