a craft beer ideot

Guys. It's been far too long, and I'll be honest I'd rather attend a stinking rats wedding than leave you sweet people out of my life, but I had no option you see, and if you would just give me a SECOND to speak ill explain to you, and all of your little mates, what's been going on, ok? So roughly 69 moons ago I sat down with my all-time blood brother; Shannon 'The Rock' Kearns, and he uttered to me his scheme to re-birth the classic 'Newcastle Craft Beer Week', right here in our home town. He then humbly begged that I, 'The Jimmy Man', perform the traditional blood rites on the second waxing moon to honour him and his beer crew, he then kissed my shoes - Anyway, long story short I did the dumb blood thing and I'm only just now getting released from juvey hall, thanks Shannon, you got me a slapped with a criminal record and whole pile of community service you jerk, teaching dumb kids to play ball so well that their dunks shatter the earths crust. Anyway the details that you should all write on your vision board are as follows: Newy Craft Beer Week, 4th - 13th of March. Newcastle, NSW, AUSTRALIA. Now write: @newcastlecraftbeerweek (pro tip, if you can't draw the '@' sign, just draw a regular 'a' with a circle around it, nobody will give a fuck.) I'll see you there, you can buy me a beer and laugh at my funny northman accent - and then be killed for your grave insult. Girlfriend Opinion: I asked her what she thinks I should write about our beautiful home town to inspire Australians from far away to come and drink beer here for a whole week, she simply shrugged and said "just make some of your dumb jokes like always, oh wait, and the penis building!" Er, It's a fucking penis TOWER, not a building honey. #craftbeer #craftbeerporn #beerporn #beer #drinkcraft #beers #bier #öl #acraftbeerideot #instabeer #beerstagram #drunk #girlfriendopinion #ale #beergeek #beerporn #australiancraftbeer #newcastlecraftbeerweek @newcastlecraftbeerweek @onefortheroadtours #newy #penistower

Guys, let's make one thing crystal fucking clear here, I, the "Jimmy Man" truly do not give a hot damn fuck about the midnight ritual of 2015 or whatever it's called . NYE Is boring and always the same ole shit; Count down from 10, kiss/jack off a stranger that probably owns a pet rat, recite the sacred unholy blood curse 13 times, blah blah blah, I don't give a rats pyjamas! Why am I in such a good mood you guys must be thinking? Well it's because I've been building my '2015 Top Best Events' List today and hoo boy there are some doozies in there, for example; 1)The Asimo robot guy fell down the stairs and smashed his helmet apart. 2) I finally had the courage to admit that I fucking HATE cucumbers and any man whom consumes them is a weakling and must kneel before me on the filthy earth where animals shit. 3) Other cool stuff like equal marriage rights and maybe like, sports. Anyway I have 6 of these Grapefruit Sculpins to destroy before midnight so I had better get started, my liver isn't going to explode it's own damnself. *spoiler alert: GFS this is the BEST beer of 2015* deal with THAT! Girlfriend opinion: I just shouted to her in another room "hey honey c'mere now! Hon! HON! COME HERE QUICK I NEED YOU! *she runs through and asks what's wrong* I point to the dog - "look it's Indiana Bones and the Raider of the Lost Bark!" See you all in hell (2016)

Day one completed of my new job as an Uber driver, and hahah let me tell all you motherfuckers exactly how it went down: 6am: alarm goes off for first day of work. I snooze that motherfuck so hard and fast it barely had time to vibrate. 7am: Been snoozing every 9mins for an hour so I grudgingly snooze one last time and climb out of my bed and into my 1998 PT Cruiser. 8am get my first job but miss the pick-up due to mid-morning snooze. I still charged the idiots PayPal account, yeah - you raise a complaint bitches, this is Uber, the wild fuckin west of taxis! 10am: couple more snoozes, post a few opinions on the PT Cruiser fan page about favourite skull decals for the bonnet. 11am: attempt burnout, fail because of weak PT engine. clock off and crack this beautiful beer open. Dolly Parton was right, working Is bullshit or whatever that song is. Sierra Nevada are my all-time favourite brewery, all these young hipster Brewers ain't got shit on old Stevie Dresler and Hop Hunter is like the liquid definition of his craft. It's smashable and crazy flavoursome, thank you Steven. Yeah I know It's in the wrong kind of glass, raise all of your dumb complaints to Uber. Girlfriend opinion: I just dropped her off outside our favourite pasta place, she turns back to me and yells through the open door "if you hear gunshots and sirens it means they didn't have the zucchini pasta that I like honey!"

Guys. I've gotta be real quiet. There's an old saying that goes something like 'Don't poke a sleeping bear lest you yourself want to get fucked up" or something, I don't remember exactly but it's relevant right now because I'm hiding in my panic room (laundry cupboard) and it's only a matter of seconds until Jessica finds me and removes my handsome skelington through my dingdong pipe. "What did you do Jimmy mate that so poked this normally placid and peaceful young angel?" Well... I merely whistled at her and told her to 'git here', almost like I was summoning a dog. Not so bad right? WRONG. Did you know that there is a five day window during every month that you can't speak to a woman this way? Hahah me either! but it turns out I unluckily chose one of those days and now I'm sitting here praying for a swift death and that she leaves enough of my corpse for future archeologists to find and put in the "Hilarious Deaths" museum. So I might as well go out with a bang as they say and preserve my bones with this incredible high alco, high flavour, high damn EVERYTHING IIPA from Adelaide Australia. Brewed by Pirate Life and tasting so damn big my ancestors will be born with the shudders - Amazing beer. Girlfriend opinion: she's knocking on the cupboard door, I can hear her breathing real close to the gap, "what do you want written on your tombstone?" She whispered. "Updog" I replied and quietly hi-fived myself.

You guys wanna know my super simple three rules to gettin the ladies? Of course you the fuck do! Rule 1: when a chica asks you want you're looking for in a relationship, solemnly say 'Kony'. Rule B: if a girl ever calls you 'mate' just move on, it's not gonna work because you're below even friend zone level champ. Step 3: When leaning in for the first kiss always quietly whisper "I thank you" just before you connect lips. There you have it, nine short months from now about a hunna thousand extra babies will be born, thanks to this buzzfeed post. Anyhoo I've been bustin' myths today and I want you all to take part in my latest experiment; on the count of three everyone scream the name of your favourite band ok? You go it? 3,2,1..GO: Yep, myth busted, everyone shouted 'Coldplay' so it's time for me to log off the Internet and go drink a beer from one of those disgusting racist Starbucks cups, might even make my account private (you know people with private accounts are keeping all the best content in there). Mastodon are an amazing band, They're no Coldplay: but they are a close second. Trust the wild-rockin' dingdongs to come up with a farmhouse IPA named 'Mother Puncher', and of course Mikkeller had a hand in it. Sour, fruity, tart as hell. It's an IPA sure, but it's like it was Brewer by Willy mothafuckin Wonka. Girlfriend opinion: She was dozing off and did that thing where you sleep-talk yourself awake: 'yes honey I know grover and the Cookie Monster look similar but no, I don't think they're related-wait,... possibly father and son? Now go back to sleep'

Guys did you know that I, as a influential Internet boy myself, am legally bound by the brostitution to INSIST that you guys must snapchat all of your best buds and organise a good ole fashioned 'Boys Night Out'. I'm also legally obliged to inform you that if a bro cancels or bails on 'boys night' then the traitor will be torn to shreds by a pack of powerful rats and not be allowed a real funeral/grave, cool? Anyway on a different subject, let's make this crystal Motherfuckin clear: I am a foreign man living in a foreign land. Im cool as heck with that, It's fun, because here in Australia people like foreigners, they think my accent is hilarious and laugh when I have different words for things: for example here they say 'pizza' but back home we would say 'Sacred precious cheese disc' (roughly translated). Hahah oh man such a culture clash. Today i've pulled out most of my hair and body fur whilst completing my Australian Citizenship application, it involves lots of mouse clickin' and I ain't bout that life fam, I'm at the end of my fucking tether so it's a good job someone handed me this Six Point Jammer. Just airdropped in from the US (the only real way to get fresh beer is via drone-strike). It's so different! If you asked me to describe it I would say *puts lips right on the mic* "VERY FLAVOURSOME AND SALTY". Girlfriend opinion: Pro-tip, if you value your dignity do NOT, EVER walk past this woman wearing only a towel. I just got mine snatched away and slapped on my bare rumpus whilst she sang "Nice Nice Baby!" To the tune of Ice Ice Baby. BOYS NIGHT IS CANCELLED!!

I don't know if you guys know this because I never mention it, but I got me a dog. Surprised? Of course you're not because I literally spend every ounce of precious bandwidth that Telstra send my way posting fucking images and jokes about the fucking deathwülf. In reality dog parenting is about 50% pleasure 50% pain (and 100% reason to remember the name). It's kind of like an episode of Fear Factor but instead of me being trapped in a coffin full of scorpions I'm chasing old fucking Daggermouth around the streets the to Benny Hill theme tune after he shrugs out of his hundred dollar harness time after time to terrorise old ladies and goths (I spend a lot of my time apologising). It got me thinking: how hard it must be to be an actual dad to an actual baby child. Those shits so delicate! Firstly I don't think you can throw them a pigs ear and lock them outside when they are scaring you, and secondly they can actually talk! (I fear the words Odin would choose to speak, for there is a darkness behind those eyes). Anyway I'm just whinging because he has managed to pull my spine out its socket and I write this post from my full body cast. This beer in a can should hit the spot. Sea of Green by Garage project actually hitting all kinds of damn spots! It's another from my kiwi-eatin, shit talkin, fern lovin' cousins down under and it's FRIGG'N AWESOME. Girlfriend opinion; she just patted my agonisingly sore neck, looked thoughtful for a second then said "ima call you 'Sore Neckman' that's your superhero name hahah you're Neckman" thanks hon.

Guys I fucked up bad. I thought I was doing the right thing! I went on Yahoo Answers and followed their expert instructions to the letter: I gathered some parchment and wrote on it in the most striking font ever invented by a human (Jokerman) "Please sweet baby Jesus, if you get this email, please let rap-metal come back stronger, more explicit lyrics and more camo than ever before". And I tenderly sent that fucker skywards in a delicate Chinese lantern. I then placed my finest silk-skin bandana in the centre of a pentagram made entirely from the shiny stickers from from snapback brims, and chanted the lyrics to 'Nookie' over and over. But it seems like my castin' skills are bonechillingly inaccurate because instead of summoning the lyrical genius of Frederik Durst, I've been left with what on first glance appears to be a stinking cloud with four legs, a mouth full of razors and a bad attitude, but on second glance it becomes apparent that it is, in fact, some manner of albino wolfkin. he says me his name is 'Odin' and he is sworn to plague my days by demanding free food and that I vigorously rub his belly (I avoid the dick n balls, I have some dignity). The only way I can cope with this life change is to drink fine New Zealand Amber produced by my heroes Garage Project. It's really a crushingly good beer, Check out the sweet graphics, so hi-def! girlfriend opinion: she just cuddled/crushed me and Odin together and said in a sad voice "I love my two babies", then Odin legit farted and we all laughed. But really, it was a touching family moment.

Hey you guys ever shit the bed? Haha be honest, because if you're lying I'll know. I've NEVER crapped the sheets because I'm a powerful grown man-guy whom has conquered his night-terrors and strengthened his tail-pipe. Anyway, I'm asking for a friend or whatever so reply in the chatroom below. I see my absence has given rise to a number of craft Insta-pretenders, all with a humiliating entourage of dozens of follow-bots. To those jabronies I say; goodnight, and thank you, but now it's time to log off, and delete your jank-ass account on the way out because Jimmys back now and I'm taking back my squadron. Now, let's get into it hey? Little Creatures is a beloved Aussie brewery, you really should have heard of them. If not it probably means you're a foreigner and I would love to invite you Down-the-fuck-Under to experience it, but unfortunately - and I was just reading this on a bumper sticker -apparently 'we're full', so visiting is a no-go right now bud. Dog Days is a Seasonal summer beer and it's hitting the spot on this spring arvo, the crisp fruitiness is strictly for over 18s (17yr olds please wait until the midnight before your birthday/blood ritual before drinking) Every adult and manchild should get at least one of these up them before it disappears. And before you ask, no, you can never EVER get this glass, because you're not an internet sensation, like me 'the Jimmy man'. Actually you might be able to get it, that was a hollow boast. Girlfriend opinion: she just said unironically- "what's got two thumbs and is this guy?" Then did a two thumbs up. My bed is dangerously close to being shit if I don't stop laughing soon.

Hola senioritas! Haha I bet you guys thought I was dead? I bet some of you even wished I was so you could sell you ideot merch on fucken Craigslist for jacked up prices or whatever. Well too bad motherfuckers I was just taking a really long nap - I guess I was just exhausted from inventing Internet jokes for you guys, that and working at Instagram HQ on the future of this dumb fucking app. That's right, I chaired the meeting where we decided to make pictures any damn shape you want. I stood proud and looked those poindexter bitches square in the face and said "can ANYONE here give me one solid idea on how we can improve Instagram that DOESNT involve burning the servers down?" No one said shit so I shared my vision. Now our timelines look all fucked up with random image ratios and I see I have made a terrible mistake. No worries, lets just pop a perfect Gage Roads Back Yard Brew Saison just in time for Aussie spring and forget all about it. This is how I forget all of my troubles (This and screaming them into my tear-soaked pillow each night). Girlfriend opinion: she just said - "ima marry your fat ass!" and shrieked with laughter for approximately four days. I'm so fucking angry.

Picture the scene: You're asleep on your bed, spooning your loved one, or perhaps a favourite pillow (s/o to all the lonely bros). 'One step Closer to the edge starts playing downstairs from your shitty iPod dock- It starts quietly but builds gradually to ear-shattering levels, you start to panic/cry. Now there are powerful footsteps climbing your staircase, and in a heart-stopping second I handsomely burst through your bedroom door smashing it to scraps. 'Drink this!' I cry, and cram two Mountain Goats into your Into your piss soaked hands, 'it's double can night' I sensually whisper as I perform an honourable bow and exit your destroyed bedroom. Then you awake, It's all an been an inception and you got fucking incepted dude. You spin your little reality token or whatever as I execute visually stunning snap-kicks out front to Linkin Parks greatest hits (disc 2). Girlfriend opinion: I told her that I get easily 'dazzled' when I drive at night. She hasn't stopped laughing for approximately three days now. I fucking DO get dazzled! What's so funny about dangerous driving conditions?!i

Guys look I know IPA day was yesterday and you think I missed it like an A grade chumpette. You're thinking "look at this howdy-doody looking motherfucker, trying to pretend he's mr Cool Beer, like me, what a shuddering dickbutt" well guess what motherfucker; the truth is I actually meant to forget it and was saving myself for TODAY all along: IPA day 2: Revenge of The BloodCurse. That's right, 'IPAD2ROTBC' is Traditionally celebrated by fashionable teens and lean, muscular dads with topknots, approximately 1 calendar day after forgetting IPA DAY 1 and its a pretty huge celebration! The party gets pretty wild up in my crib, for example I've got my Smashmouth mixtape turned up waaaaay past mid-volume and I'm wearing uncomfortable levels of denim. Only thing left to do is introduce the beer itself: as tradition dictates for IPA day 2 you must drink anything BUT IPA. I'm cracking open this Admiral Akbar Anti-Imperial Red by Noisy Minor. It's a cranked version of last years Red Ryeding Hood and it's got me all jazzed up! It's a pretty big tasting beer, all malt and hop flavour with less bitterness than an India pale. I'm a real big fan, now it's time to get a little f'kin CRAZY: *puts bottle in the regular trash rather than recycling can* "Fuck all cops!". girlfriend opinion: I just told her that Nutribullets are on special at the super market - she really wants a NutriBullet- but they're not really. I'm a dead man. A hilarious sexy dead man.

Hamuna matata motherfuckers!! It means no worries, which is what yall need to do, stop worrying, I'm back now so quit flappin' ya tits baby. I've obviously been away competing in the international Heely World Championships, it was a brutal test of my manhood, I truly didn't realise there were so many proud wheel-shoe athletes out there. Sadly I didn't win the golden fedora but I did claim the bronze trilby for my elegant interpretative dance entitled "Haters ain't worth the tears" performed to a rousing acoustic cover of 'In Too Deep' by Sum 41. No, wait wait wait. Guys, I'm lying. This is all a perfectly crafted fallacy. I know it's hard to believe but I made nearly all of that up - The truth is that I just haven't had any good beers recently so I've been holding out for the one to get the blog going again and then as if by the grace of Jesus this Seasonal son of a bitch by the Lord rocked up on my doorstep. Go and get one up ya, as we say here in Aus. I'll be happy, Nelson will be happy and you'll piss your jeans with happiness. Everyone wins. It's truly a fantastic ale and its best enjoyed in Sydney where it's freshest. How fresh you ask? fresh as fuck. Girlfriend opinion: I wanna go to one of those barnyard dances, what are they called again?.... *snaps fingers* oh! A hoedown!! Sure sweetheart I'll take you to a hoedown, just let me grab my Heeleys.

"Live your life like a baby with a scientific calculator - You may have absolutely no clue what most of those small keys do bro, but when the chips are down make sure as fuck you know how to make it say spell 80085" - Jimmy 2015 Haha you guys! there's an a inspirational quote to get you all fired up, It's also a great example of why my eBook “Quotes upon Quotes by Jimmy" was such a tumbling financial failure (I didn't realise kindle reviews could go in to the minus figures) so fuck all of ya'll, Ima go ahead and follow my true passion of paranormal investigation! Have you guys ever had one of those moments where you sense a supernatural presence close by? Like when you yawn and a ghost sticks it's dick in your mouth, or you don't feel in total control of your own damn skeleton? Don't let these spine-chilling moments ruin your whole fucken day bro, text me and I'll be there asap to regulate that spooky situation, I’m like Mulder, Scully AND Slimer all rolled into one, and I’m cheap, how cheap you ask? Really fucken cheap my friend. Wanna know what wasn’t cheap? This here beer, but unlike me, it's great value! Mountain Goat are the pioneers of Aussie craft so ima show them some love - the surefoot is a really legit stout-in-a-can, real smoky complexity with a molasses tang Love dat darkness. Girlfriend opinion: I like to force her to watch the trailers to horror movies to invoke hilarious night terrors but my last attempt backfired - I actually woke up in the dead of night swinging haymakers at what I thought was a child standing beside my bed- which says a lot about me - it says that baby ghosts better be skilled at blocks if they wanna haunt my sweet supple ass!

X-POST from my other retarded blog @ideot_gone_wild: One of the problems with being such a fucken visionary is that I literally have TOO MANY great ideas. Hell, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night screaming the details another crucial invention (it often involves adding LED lights to existing inventions). Some may call it genius some may say it's my autism, either way you should totally support my kickstarter: 'Lites n Fights'. Basically it involves adding LEDs and UV body paint to MMA fighters and have those fellas duke it out - my goal is to make the sport approximately 50% more appealing to small children and wizards. I don't yet have any dumb magician kids to run it by so I'll use you fine people as surrogate idiot babies, what do you think of the idea sweetie? Haha I'm just kidding I already know it's fucking amazing. Here's me, probably celebrating hitting my kickstarter goal in a record 69 seconds, Sluggin' some perfect Gage Roads Single Fin Summer Ale atop some fucking valley or other. "I'm literally at the top of my game!" I cry into the valley below. Distant howls of laughter was my reply, probably just a couple of haters down there is all. Girlfriend opinion: she woke me up this morning to give me a cuddle before she went to work, but I had been dreaming that she threw a perfectly cooked steak of mine in the trash while I went to the bathroom so I flipped over and stonewalled her; don't EVER trash my steak woman!!

Happy motherfucking freedom day you guys! Did you know that in America they play a game once a year where every time a bald eagle shrieks you have to choke down a Miller High Life, and if you're not wearing the Declaration of Independence as a cape you are literally sent back to England on a spike, wrapped like a Christmas gift addressed to the royal baby, because American soil is too pure for god damn heathen feet! Just some fun facts there to get you all jazzed up for USA day! Those handsome cowboy lookin' rodeo-ridin' sons of bitches sure to know how to throw a beer together though and Founders legitimately do not fuck around when it comes to taking grown-ass men to Flavourtown USA. Curmudgeon is the lord-mayor up in this bitch; Its so boozy and so heavily malted that I almost feel embarrassed for anyone that says he’s had big beers before, because after I took the top off this one I grew about three feet and could see dead people.Its an Old Ale brewed with molasses and aged to fuck in some stinkin' old oak barrels, its also full of like a billion floaters, but whats the point in an immune system if you can’t test it once in a while huh? Its amazing and it represents everything I love about you USA! Girlfriend opinion: she's been in an up and down mood all day and freely admits it. I walked in on her today sitting in front of a mirror looking totally bummed out. I asked her what's wrong and she said she "had an owie", and "she looks like a dumbass" then a single tear rolled down her cheek. Uh oh, looks like the blood moon is upon us guys.

Happy dry july you guys! Let's celebrate by cracking a frosty cold fucking beer because kids, and listen real close here, if the man tells you to do something you better make sure you do the exact fucking opposite. Why? Because no leather-clad, hog ridin' beach honey has ever fallen in love with a rule-following, box-ticking, cop-boning yes-man. Don't get me wrong: I respect anyone that is able to complete a whole month of not drinking, just like I respect old people, children and male nurses but it doesn't mean I wanna be one of them, they're weird and they wear crocs. I'm gonna cut the crap here, Siren Liquid Mistress is a great beer. It pretty much spits on the grave of what dry July is all about - it's dark red, boozy as a mother fucker and complexly dank like a proper Red IPA should be. So many great beers coming from England lately, probably brewed by hipsters in flat caps with cool tattoos. Those guys don't follow convention, even if they are all in love with the royal baby. In conclusion; you will have to pry this bottle from my powerful dead hands, possibly using that contraption that they use to cut people out of car wrecks, that's how much I hate the rules and love freedom *eagle screech* Girlfriend opinion: she's getting up me for not kissing her on the lips, I always do a daredevil face-turn right at the last second and force her to kiss my cheek. Naturally she hates this, she just said "I'm gonna put poison on my lips next time so you'll get fucked up lol" I don't think she's thought this plan through.