The seriously flawed christian chick trying to live a God Filled

I go to the grocery store and I am noticing like everyone else the prices and how many things are not in stock. I'm glad that I am not super selective so when something is out of stock, I can usually find something else I like to eat. Here's my breakfast this morning. Toast with butter, goat milk cheese, tomato's and spinach... 😋 Yummy.

I live in a multigenerational home and there are some great things about it but some difficulties. One of major difficulties in my home is my mother. I love her dearly but she is an extremely difficult person to live with. The negative presence in her is very oppressive. I have tried to talk to her many times over.  Plead with her and it is what it is, it never really changes. You see, you don’t have to leave your home to have so many struggles. She is always mad, always in a bad mood and loves drama. Most of my trials come from inside my home, not outside. 

I pray for her. I pray for myself that I can withstand it. She uses her mouth as a weapon and it never stops uttering negative things about people or situations. i walk around with my headset on listening to sermons or music because I can’t stand the constant nastiness. its a shame.  

I think that I can give my life to God and follow his ways but still live in a negative environment. Even though YOU are following Christ, it doesn’t mean anyone around you is and this is a very difficult place to be.  I am praying, reading, studying the scripture and I live with someone who rather just sit in their misery. i mean, she is unhappy and she makes everyone unhappy around her, even me.

I have said a mean word to her in the past and had to repent just because I was so worn down with her constant negativity. i wonder sometimes if she has a negative spirit in her. 

I have a brother that has wronged me. Over the years, he has done many things to me that has hurt me and I have forgave him over and over. Recently, I let him back in my life. We talked and I thought things was better. It was nice to have a relationship with him again. So I rejoiced. 

He hurt me again.

So, now I am back in the same place that I was before. I am supposed to forgive an unlimited number of times but do I forget? Does God want me to forget? or just Forgive?

I don’t think that God wants me to be a doormat.

I think that he wants me to let him handle things. I am trying to do this. I am trying to handle things right now. 

The first thing that I did was cut off all communication so that he can’t contact me to do anything else. Next, I am on my knees praying to God for help. I know that I can’t do it alone so I am praying for strength to forgive him and strength to release my feelings of being betrayed and hurt. 

Now I will always be open to reconciliation with him but he has to get help and until then I will not open life again because if he hasn’t changed he could hurt me again. Even if I do open again, I will do so extremely slowly to make sure that the change is real. 

God told us to forgive so that he will forgive me and I will rejoice throughout all of my tests to show him that I love him. I have an opportunity to show God my love of him through my actions no matter how difficult. So I rejoice at this test. 

I will forgive. I will maintain closure of my life until I see that he has changed and then possible in the future I may restart a relationship with him but until then I am going to pray for him, pray for my family, pray for forgiveness and the release of anger in my heart. 

Do not worry. We must endure.

I bet we wish we had an electric car now🤣🤣🤣🤣. If you can only drive to work back and important things. Take a bike or skate. Still gets you were you are going and you get health benefits. Invest in a moped. Share a ride.

I am at a resort. I spend Holidays at resorts. It started a few years ago when my sister and I got bored with the normal Thanksgiving holiday dinners and things and we thought since we are a small family, going out of town would be nicer. 

Anyway,  I am at a resort in Orlando as we speak. I went to the pool at night with my daughter. It closes at 11 p.m. but I went around 7. There was not a lot of people around and I was happy. She and I got into the big pool and was swimming but I was hoping that could get into the hot tub. That is my dream. ha ha. anyway, everyone ALWAYS are in the hot tubs. WHOLE families with kids and all and they NEVER leave so you have to wait to get into one. Many times there are men in the hot tubs and as a single woman, I just don’t feel comfortable getting in hot tubs with men I don’t know.

That night I was lucky. A family LEFT... I was watching and I started to walk over and CLAIM the tub for myself. The lady spoke to me about how it worked and she cranked it up for me. I said thanks and they left. Boy I was so happy, the water was so warm and the bubbles were all over the water.. I felt so good. My daughter put her foot into the water and told me that it was way too hot for her so she decided to go back to the pool. 

Here is the interesting part, but I have to give you the back story quickly.

My mom was worried about me and my daughter going to the pool because there are no life guards. I can swim but my daughter CANNOT.  But I am ALWAYS around her and she mainly play in shallow water. 

That night no one was at the pool except me, her and a family at the other side of the pool area. (Now remember we are at resort so the pool area is a huge area because it accommodates many people at once.)  

I said to myself, I am going to follow my daughter but the heat of the tub and the fact that I never get one for myself was luring me to stay in. I sat there and started to enjoy the tub. My daughter went back to the pool. She was the only one in the pool but another family was in a hot tub away from the pool. 

After a few minutes of me feeling awesome, I looked up and a older white man started to come to the hot tub. I just looked up and he was walking toward me in the tub. It happens.. I was like.. AWWWWWW... someone is coming.. Shucks. now I can’t be here alone. (this was all in my head though). He smiled at me and I smiled back.  He looked to be in his 60′s possibly 50′s. fit, wearing short sleeves and shorts. He was carrying shoes and towels, quite a bit of stuff but they were all folded in his hands. Ok. I knew that he was going to get in and I had to get out because remember I don’t like being in tubs alone with people especially men. I’m conservative. If it was a woman, I would be fine but a man would make me feel uncomfortable. (You have to pretend to ignore the person, or the person could be trying to pick you up or think you are trying to pick them up...You get my drift?)

I knew once he put on his swimsuit, I would have to kindly pretend to hang out for a few minutes and then make my way out... He walked behind me and there was two blue chairs there, I saw him bend over and put his clothes down. I could see him out the corner of my eye. I turned my back so then I could give him more privacy. Then I tried to enjoy the tub. I could see the top of my daughters head in the pool through the hedges and I called out to her and she answered me. So I relaxed a bit more in the pool looking at the bubbles. 

I heard over the speaker, there are NO life guards at the pool so children should not be UNATTENDED and parents should be watching their children. That made me perk up. I felt uneasy because she was unattended.. I said to the man, the water is really hot in here and he said nothing.

So I started to get up out of the tub... walking slowly.. I stopped and called my daughters name again, I couldn’t see her head. SO I started walking toward the edge of the hot tub and started getting out. I couldn’t see her. So I got out and said, the hot tub is all yours. 

When I turned around, he was gone. 

I was like where did he go? I looked all around the back and I didn’t see him. I walked out to the pool, got my daughter, we started giggling because she was cold and felt great in the cool air and we went back to the room.

That night I couldn’t sleep. Where did that man go? I decided the first thing in the morning I was going to go back and check to see if there was another way out. It was dark. I got up and the first thing I did was walked to the pool. I went to the area I was and checked and checked there is no way he could of gotten out without me seeing him. 

The area I was at was secluded. The tub had hedges all around it and a fense. There was NO WAY to get out. He would of had to either go on the right side of the tub or the left and I would have definitely seen a man walk past me. 

I saw him come in, didn’t I?

I told my mom and my sister. My sister just looked at me and my mom made fun of me. UNTIL... my daughter came over and told us that she saw him too.

She said she saw him and said he had flip flops and was carrying a lot of stuff and towels.

Then they believed me. I was like, what do you think was? My sister said I have no idea.

She said she was in the pool, she saw him walking from the other side of the pool and she said he was watching her. She said he kept just looking at her and when he sensed she started to feel uncomfortable, he gave her a big smile. She said she was in the water and he walked right past her in the pool watching her. She smiled back and waved.  She then said he started walking toward where I was in the tub behind hedges.  That’s when my story picks up.

I am so glad she saw him.. She said she thinks he was making sure she was ok.

He looked like a normal everyday person. A human. I took pictures of where I was and I will upload so you can see yourself that there is no way anyone could have gotten out of that area without me seeing them.

I think that he knew my daughter couldn’t swim. I had left her unattended while i was enjoying a hot tub and it could of had tragic consequences. So he appeared and watched her. Remember she can’t swim. Also, I couldn’t see her over the hedges. If a woman would have come over, it would have distracted me and because I am chatty cathy, I would have started a conversation. I talked to the guy but he never responded. I couldn’t see my daughter and I felt uncomfortable in the tub alone with a man I didn’t know and it prompted me to get out.

This has NEVER EVER happened to me before. You hear about spirits/ angels appearing but I would have NEVER thought it would happen to me. There is no other explanation. There was no way to get out of the area I was out without walking past. He just disappeared.  That is why he was watching my daughter so much.

I REPENTED. I apologized for what I did. I am really sorry.. One mistake and my life would have been destroyed. He saved me AGAIN. 

This is why I love God. This is why I write in this tumblr. He protected me WHEN I was being selfish. It only takes a moment to drown. He had his angel watch my child. Yes, I do feel ashamed. My family is all I got. I am NOT lying. this is the truth. I will not be responsible to lying about God, so this is the truth. 

My loyalty is to God. 

What do you think?