Fangirl. Weirdo. Dreamer.

Hi, friends. I know that it’s been months since the last time I posted something here on this blog. Sorry for that. Most of you dgaf about text posts so I’ll just leave this without the read more bc I’m on mobile. lol. Tbh, things aren’t that good for me lately. And whenever I’d open this blog, I’d get a lot of flashbacks and I’ll sob my eyes out for the next 30mins or so. Which is why the reason why I don’t post here that much anymore. But I’ll always keep this blog no matter what because I’ve spent 6 years of my life on this blog and I dont want to throw it all away just because of a bipolar episode. I just need time to fix my life and sort things out. Yes, I was diagnosed bipolar last january. But, i discontinued my meds and i havent gone to my psychiatrist since then bc my family doesnt want to believe that im going through a serious mental disorder. lol. My parents didnt even believed me when i said that i was suicidal. lol. They dont even want to face the fact that i got suicidal bc of them. lololol. And also on the same month, my grandmother died. I was a grandma’s girl growing up because I was her only grandchild and losing her felt like a part of me also died along with her. Then came February. Last Feb, I started to do boxing bc my godsister recommended it. I was obese at that time. I was at my heaviest at 220lbs. I ate so much while my grandma was sick bc thats the only way I know how to cope with my depression. Anyway, my godsister recommended me to try boxing, and I did. During my first week, I started to get my period. At first, I just shrugged it off and ignored it bc it’s really normal for us girls to bleed every month. But then March already came and the bleeding hasnt stopped yet. I already got alarmed and went to an ob-gyne. After I had my ultrasound taken, I was told that the lining of my uterus was thickened. At first, the doctor told me that I just had to diet and take pills and exercise. Which I did. I followed my doctor’s instructions. But April already came and the bleeding still hasn’t stopped even if I’ve been exercising and cutting down my food intake and taking meds. I had to get an ultrasound again, and it shows that things hasnt really changed. My doctor told me that if the lining on my uterus won’t get thin, it would be possible that I might have cancer. Then he decided to change my meds to stop my period to see if the bleeding would stop and it worked after a few weeks. During those months that I’ve been bleeding, there has been non-stop cramps, but it was bearable somehow. But when April came, dear god, those cramps got worse started to hurt like hell, even if my period already stopped bc of the meds that i was taking. I was really in excruciating pain that it went to the point where I was calling my grandma, asking her to get me because I really thought i was already dying at that moment. When the pain became bearable again around May, I started to look for a job. I graduated college last 2013 and I still havent had a stable job since then. Well, I only had one job at that time, and I just worked for like a month bc I decided to quit to take care of my grandma. (I’ve been taking care of her since she got sick last 2009) I was unemployed by choice. I chose not to look for a job because I want to be beside my grandma if ever something happens to her. And now that she’s gone, it was already time to look for a job. A stable job. One of my best friends told me that there was an opening on the company where she’s working. I decided to apply there, and luckily, I got hired during the first week of June. Then I went to my ob-gyne for another check-up a week after I got hired. I had my ultrasound taken again one more time and the results was still the same during the first time. My ob-gyne told me that it was already due for me to undergo some procedure (i forgot the name of it. lol) to get some specimen from my uterus to see if I have cancer or not. I got so depressed after that check up. I went to the office and rushed to the pantry and sobbed. I swear that was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me. But then I went to another doctor to get a second opinion, and this new doctor told me that I should get my hormones balanced first. Then she’ll decide if she’ll let me undergo that procedure. She said that maybe my hormones wasn’t balanced thats why i’ve been bleeding non-stop for 3 months. I decided to follow the second doctor bc i really dont want to go to the operating room ever again. ugh. When I had my period last june, it was the worst period ive ever had my whole life. Everything was gushing out of me even if i was just sitting still. And the cramps was so intense so i had to quit my job bc i was batshit scared if i was dying already. And the pain was so insane.....and I dont have sick leaves anymore bc i only had 3 sick leaves and i used them all on the same week. lol. So yeah, i’ve been unemployed for a month now again. lol. And believe me, I always get bipolar episodes from time to time, and my suicidal tendencies always triggered especially when i was on bedrest last april-may. Now, havent had my period for july and it’s scaring me again. i dont know if I’ll ever be cured or not. Everyone in my family is also sick right now and I dont want to be a burden anymore. My uncle offered to fund the business that ive always wanted. But he’ll come home here this august. so for the meantime, im not really looking for a job bc i might start my own business soon. but what scares the shit out of me right now isnt only my sickness. im also worried as hell for my aunt because she seems to be sick but she doesnt want to tell me what the fuck is going on with her. which is also why ive been having frequent depressive episodes recently. i know that my sickness is caused by my obesity. i’ve already changed my eating habits even though i stopped exercising and now i lost almost 25lbs and i now dropped 4 dress sizes which is a good thing, right? but even though im already back to my old weight, i still cant help not to worry on a lot of things. I know it’s all because of my hormones and i shouldnt be worrying a lot, but i couldnt help it. Like for a minute, im okay. then i’ll start to cry all of a sudden bc everything’s overwhelming me. idk what will happen to me in the next few months, but i hope that things would turn out okay and everything will go as planned. sorry if i didnt put this post on read more. but i promise that i’ll edit this in the morning. or maybe probably delete this when i wake up later. lol. regrets. hahaha oh well. it’s almost 3am. idek if this post still makes sense. haha. k. bye.