But I knew him...

"And....publish!" You said to no one in particular. You were currently sprawled out on Seb's comfy couch, waiting for him to  get out of the shower. Taking the opportunity to open up your laptop  and finish editing the draft that was sitting in your queue for a while.   You're a wattpad writer, writing about multi fandoms, but your most  popular was your Sebastian Stan and Bucky Barnes imagines. And the world  had no idea you were in a serious relationship with the man himself. He of course, had no idea about your little secret. You wrote drabbles  and stories when he wasn't in the room, or mostly when he was away  filming. Pleased with your work, you shut your laptop down and slid it into the  backpack that was leaning against the coffee table in the middle of the  room. Your phone was connected to the wattpad app, so any notifications  came through on there. You just preferred to write and edit from a  computer, since you had a hard time constantly correcting auto-correct.  Annoying stupid invention you would curse. Seb walked in the room just as you zipped up the backpack, "hey doll,  what are you up to?" He asked curiously, running his slender long  fingers through his wet dripping hair, damn you Seb! "Oh uh nothing.  Thought I brought my phone charger but clearly not" you chuckled  awkwardly. Seb got closer, "I've got one in the bedroom if you wanna use  mine?" He offered kindly. You nodded enthusiastically, passing him your  phone. Not expecting any notifications so quickly anyway. With your phone in his hand, Seb walked to the bedroom and plugged his  charger into your phone, setting it down on the nightstand. The screen  lit up and he checked the battery percentage before something else  caught his eye, you had multiple notifications from wattpad on the  front. Seb knew what wattpad was, he had read a couple of stories there  himself at the beginning. The curiosity got the better of him. He knew your password, you trusted each other with passwords to your  phones in case of an emergency, well this wasn't an emergency but he  couldn't help it. He opened up the wattpad app, scrolling through the umpteen   notifications you had unread. He clicked on the story from where the   recent notifications were coming from, his eyes widened in shock as he   realized it was a story you written. He read the story. Taking in every word, blushing as he imagined the scenes unfolding just like in the one  shot you had just published. Then he scrolled down to the next story, and the next. Until he visited your profile and saw you had 12 works, Bucky Barnes Imagines 18+ what does that mean? He asked himself. Later  regretting his decision as he read your filthy thoughts and stories. He  never knew you had the hots for Bucky. This would be a cosplay he would  need to do with you for your anniversary. Then he found more stories,  Sebastian Stan Smut, Lance Tucker oh yes. He remember Lance very well,  but why were you writing about Lance. You had told him you didn't watch  The Bronze. How did you know about it? He didn't know what smut meant,  but his eyes burned in shame when he read half a story. Time was passing by, he was hooked to your words. "Hey babe what's  taking so-" you stopped in your tracks, mouth agape and eyes widened.  "Oh my God, Seb?" Your voice shook with dread, did he really find out  about your stories?? He put your phone down on the nightstand and turned  around, his eyes locking onto yours. "Its nothing serious I just-" you  started to speak but was cut off, "I uh.. I liked it doll" he admitted  shamefully, scratching the back of his neck. "You.... you liked it?" You  questioned further. Seb nodded his head, "I didn't know you loved  Barnes so much" he chuckled, your face burned up. Something you knew he  would notice. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about them" you apologized.  "It was just my way of... passing the time... with Bucky.... when you  weren't here..." you said slowly and chuckled shyly. Seb had a wide shit  eating grin plastered on his face, "c'mere doll, let me show you  something I know Barnes is capable of" he winked suggestively. You  strolled over to him, wrapping your arms around his torso and breathing  in his fresh clean scent from his shower. "What do you wanna show me?"  You queried, burying your nose further into his shirt. "I'll make you  feel so good, doll" he chuckled darkly, his chest vibrating against your  face as he laughed. Your eyes widened and you thought for a moment they  might fall out of your head. You recognized that line from your 18+  Bucky Barnes book. Little did you know, this was just the beginning.

The last of the few boxes were sitting patiently outside in the hall next to  your new apartment door. You and Bucky have been forever searching for a  new apartment to call home, you were keen to start fresh somewhere in  the suburbs, but Bucky had insisted you both stay in Brooklyn, just in  case the avengers called for him and for your job. He wore you down and   eventually persuaded you this was the best option. So you found a   gorgeous spacious one bedroom apartment, on the sixth floor in a good neighborhood. Your  safety was Bucky's top priority. You've been Bucky's girlfriend for the past two years. The most precious  two years of your life. At first, it wasn't easy. You weren't naive and  of course knew of his winter soldier days. Steve was sure his time in   Wakanda had cure his hydra brain, and he no longer responded to the   activation words. But Bucky still had nightmares, he dreamt of the victims he was sent to  kill. He remembered all of his victims, and they stayed individually  inside his head. That was something wakanda couldn't fix. You had  suggested therapy, but Bucky argued it wasn't a good idea to open up to a  stranger, they simply wouldn't understand and think of him as the  monster he is known for. You love Bucky regardless of his horrific past. The first couple of  months were tough, the first time you told him "I love you Bucky" he  didn't believe you. He would ask you, "how can you love a fucking  murderous monster like me?" His words broke your heart, but you stayed  persistent. It took a long time to convince him you meant them. The first time he told you he loved you was when you were curled up in  his arms naked, after he made love to you. Your heart swelled at his  precious words and you were sure you fell in love with him more then. Even though everyone had reassured you it was safe with Bucky now, he was a changed man and you helped. You still had a small fear hidden away in your   mind. His realistic nightmares were the problems, you lost count on how many  times he accidentally hit you in his sleepbecause you tried to wake him up. He  would apologize profoundly, and remind you this is why you shouldn't be  with him, but you of course argued this is why you should be with him. For now you set your fears aside, and concentrated on the job ahead. You  were busy unpacking the boxes stacked in the living room, while Steve  and Bucky were busy bringing the last of the boxes in from the hall.  "Hey guys" you smiled sweetly when they entered the apartment. You  couldn't help but admire Bucky's look, a pair of black skinny jeans,  combat boots and a red Henley shirt with his sleeves rolled up. Sweat  dripping profusely off his forehead, and his hair tied back in a loose  bun, a feature you found to be really sexy. Steve stood next to him,  panting and catching his breath with his hands placed firmly on his  hips, catching his breath. You chuckled, "need medical attention, Steve?" You asked  sarcastically, earning a light chuckle from your boyfriend. His chuckles  you absolutely adored. Steve waved a hand in front of him, "just a  working elevator would be great" he panted with a small wheeze. You chuckled  at his reply, it was true there were so many stairs to climb since the   elevator was out of order. The landlord had assured you he would get it fixed before you moved in. Thank god for two super soldiers. "I'm gonna go down to the van and see if we've missed anything and take a  quick smoke, I'll be right back" Bucky said, planting a quick pack onto  your lips before stopping in front of Steve, "hope you're not wanting  to give me a kiss Buck.." Steve chuckled, you watched the two men in  awe. "Funny. You're in my way punk" Steve rolled his eyes and shifted  out of the way. When Bucky left, you sighed. Resting your palms on your hips as you looked around the room, to take the new scenery in. "Are  you okay y/n?" Steve asked concerned, walking towards you. You nodded  your head with a small shrug, "I'm of course a little wary.." you  started to talk, "it's the first time we will be alone, like actually  alone. You won't be down the hall" you bit your lip. Steve knew the  problems Bucky was facing, his nightmares and PTSD, even Bucky's  accidental punches to your face. "Bucky loves you y/n you know he would never do anything to deliberately  hurt you" Steve squeezed your shoulder slightly. "I know Steve, but I  dont know what to do if he has an episode at night" you said truthfully.  This was the one thing on your mind since Bucky suggested the whole  moving in together and starting a new chapter, being completely alone  with him. "Remember what I told you, leave the bed and slowly approach  him. Dont scream at him to wake up, dont touch him. Stay distant and  call his name, I'm not far away if you need me or if he doesnt break his  trance" he smiled reassuringly. Unbeknownst to you know Bucky was standing just outside the slightly open door,  hearing your worries and concerns. He had heard that fluffy blankets and  music helps with nightmares. It was something he wanted to try if you  would help him set up the new iPod he bought. But the guilt was rising to his chest, he never intentionally meant to hit you. He couldn't control his nightmares, Bucky would hate to admit hearing your fears out loud worried him a great deal, worried you would wake up and walk out of his life. He knew he didn't deserve you, he told you many times over the past two years, told you to find someone better. He loved you, more than anything else in the world. And he was determined to change for the better. So he stood up straight and walked in the door, trying to act like he   had just walked up all those horrible stairs. "Hey Buck" Steve smiled.   Bucky returned the smile, and darted his gaze to you. "I gotta get   going. Give me a call if either of you need anything." Steve said,   grabbing his leather jacket off the back of the couch. Now it was just you and Bucky. Nerves settling in your chest, he walked  closer to you, his strong scent of aftershave with a hint of tobacco hit  your nose. "Hey doll, you doing okay?" Bucky asked, snaking his big  arms around your abdomen, pressing wet sloppy kisses down your neck. You   chuckled at the sensation, his beard tickling your skin. "I'm perfect   darling" you answered in a pant as he continued to attack your neck with  his tongue and lips. "Are you scared to be alone with me doll?" He   asked after a few minutes of silence, "n-no" you turned your head to   look at him slightly, sadness and worry filled his beautiful blue eyes. He tucked a strand a hair behind your ear. "Why do you ask baby?" You   asked concerned, wondering if there was any possibility he overheard   your conversation with Steve earlier. "You heard the conversation" you   said more of a statement than a question. Bucky nodded to your   questions. "I didn't mean to, I was just -" "I'm not scared of you Bucky. Just your nightmares" you cut him off.  Bucky nodded in understanding   before answering he walked over to his  backpack and pulled something out. "Wanda told me how music helps keep them at bay.." he said shyly,  holding up the iPod with a clueless expression, you couldn't help but  chuckle. "You want me to help you?" You offered, noticing he was even  holding it upside down trying to turn it on. "Would you mind Doll?" He passed  the iPod to you and you smiled. "No of course not! C'mere let me set  this up for you and show you how to use it" you grabbed his hand,  pulling him to the couch and sitting him down as you grabbed your  macbook from a nearby bag. Bucky had a traumatic past, and you understood his treatment and  recovery would be slow. But you could see he was willing to try anything  and everything anyone suggested, and that was enough for you to swallow  down your fears and be there for him, to help, love and support him. Life in the new apartment was only the beginning.

Everyone stepped off the quinjet, walking in silence into the compound.  Your mission was a disaster, you did nothing right and now you felt like  everyone blamed and hated you for being so useless. You've been doing  missions for the past 2 years, training alongside the captain Steve  Rogers himself. And yet, even after kicking your own ass and training  for hours every day, you still managed to fuck up a simple quick and  easy mission. You blew your cover way too quickly, alerting guards of  your existence, which meant the rest of the team had to intervene or you  would be dead, and as cap reminded you he didn't want that on his  conscience. So now you were back home, back at the compound. You knew sooner or  later Cap is gonna want a talk with you about what happened, but right  now you weren't in the mood. You just wanted to grab some food, and head  to your room to shower and wind down with a movie. Everyone stepped into the elevator, you were pushed to the back with  Bucky on your left. He also never said a word to you on the way back.  Was he mad at you too? "Hey Buck" you whispered into him, but he didn't glance in your  direction. You heard him sigh and saw how tense his body had become by  your close proximity. Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, you slowly  shifted more to your right, biting your lip hard to suppress the tears  that were watering at a dangerous level in your eyes. Everyone stepped off the elevator when it stopped at the commons floor,  your room was a floor up, so you stayed behind until everyone had left.  Not that they would notice anyway. You pressed the button to your floor  and waited patiently for the doors to open, once they did you paced  quickly to your room, locking it securely behind you. Once you knew you  were safe, you slid your back down the door and brought your knees to  your chest, letting out quiet sobs and whimpers, gripping your hair with  both hands. Once composed, you took a hot steamy shower, washing away any blood and  sweat that lingered from the failed mission. You quickly got changed  into your comfiest sleep wear and peeled back the duvets and climbed  under. You flicked through the movie selections on Netflix, your mind  not paying any attention to the writing in front of you and oddly, you  weren't even hungry. A quiet knock on your door and the sound of the doorknob trying to be  turned caught your attention, you quickly turned off the lights and  listened intently. "Y/n are you in there?" It was Steve's voice, you  knew he would wanna talk to you. "Y/n please I just want to make sure  you're okay?" He pleaded through the door. "Is she in there?" You heard a  second voice outside the door, "y/n its Bucky!" He yelled with a knock.  Oh great, now two super soldiers wanted to talk. Honestly, you were quite happy being locked away in your room for the   rest of the night, but now here you were, two super soldiers knocking on  your door and refusing to leave. It didn't help that FRIDAY told them you were aware of their presence outside your door. You cursed that AI sometimes... You still didn't wanna talk tonight, you had an idea. "FRIDAY?" the AI  beeped, acknowledging your voice, "yes miss y/l/n?" You took a deep  breath before speaking, "please inform Steve Rogers and Sargent Barnes I  am not feeling too well tonight and wish to be left in peace" you sat  on the edge of your bed, holding the palm of your hands over your  kneecaps "yes of course miss y/l/n" the AI responded. You sighed a  breath of relief when you heard footsteps walking away from your door.  You knew deep down you would need to face them sooner or later, since  you shared the same floor with them. Just not tonight, you kept telling  yourself. But 'just not tonight' turned into a whole five weeks of you not leaving  your bedroom. You sneaked into the kitchen occasionally taking food and  running straight back to your comfort zone. You've so far avoided  everyone in the compound, even Tony stopped by and tried to lure you  out. You felt ashamed and useless. You could have gotten yourself killed  if you weren't so stupid. You had dozens of missed calls, text messages  and emails from the team. You simply replied to no one. But how long  could you actually hide in here? By not leaving, you weren't training or   practicing your knife skills. And you knew Steve would be less than   pleased about that. The team knew they had to get you out of your room, they noticed the  bits of food they had put in the fridge as a trap were being taken, they  could just never catch you. You were far too smart and fast, even for  the super soldiers. Bucky was more concerned, the guilt was eating him alive when he ignored  your greeting in the elevator when you got back, he saw the tears in  your eyes and could feel your heartbreak. He wanted nothing more than to   just reach out and tell you it was all gonna be okay, but the team had   insisted to teach you a lesson. They had planned to lecture you the next  day, but when they were having a hard time getting you from your room,  their plan backfired. Nobody was angry with you, they were concerned if  it should happen again, they would teach you what to do. The silent treatment wasn't intended, everyone was feeling the burn and exhaustion  and everyone too tired to speak to each other. It was simply a   misunderstanding. So they had a plan, they would tell FRIDAY to inform you that everyone was leaving for a mission and you would be by yourself. You felt relief to be alone, be able to watch a movie in the commons room and order pizza without judgement. It was 9PM, everyone should have left by now. You put on a pair of black  leggings and an oversized hoodie and made your way to the commons room.  All the lights were off and the building was eerily quiet. Just the  sounds of your own footsteps padding against the floors underneath you.  You stepped into the empty room and flicked on a light. Leftover pizza  was on the coffee table, with soda sitting next to it. You smiled to  yourself, walking over to it, bending slightly to pull the slice out of  the box, it was unusually still hot. That's when you felt two large arms wrap around your body and pull you  close to their chest, you could tell by the shiny metal arm it was Bucky  holding you tight, not letting you run away. "Bucky?" You gasped, his  embrace squeezing your lungs out of your body, "what are you doing?!"  You panic. He leans in, pressing his lips to your ears, "you cant hide  now, Doll" he whispers. His voice husky, his breath fanning your neck. "Y/n?" You heard Steve's voice behind you and Bucky, who still had you pressed against his chest. "Steve." You said, giving up the fight to try  and fight the beast. "We were worried about you" he stands in front of  you, smirking with his arms folded across his chest. You were pressed so  close to Bucky that reaching back and kicking him in the groin wasn't  an option, and he probably wouldn't even feel it. "Okay so you got me,  let's talk. I fucked up, so fire me.." you began with a shaky voice,  "fire me and find someone else worthy of a place on this team" you  sighed, leaning your head back against Bucky's thick chest, he presses  his cheek on top of your head. "I'm not gonna fire you y/n, I just want  you to train with me and Buck to help you get out of a situation next  time should it happen" Steve said with a serious expression. "Replacing  you is not an option" he unfolds his arms and slides his hands into his  pockets. "I'll see you on Monday for your training." He said walking  away, you heard other voices so you quickly assumed they had not left  for a mission, but used it as a trap. And it worked. Now you had a new problem. Getting out of Bucky's death grip. "Bucky."  You closed your eyes, wrapping your own hands around his that were  placed tightly around your stomach. "Yes doll?" He asked, brushing his  lips back and forth on your hair, what the hell is he doing "Can you let me go now" you tried to pull his strong hands off, they  weren't even budging. You sighed in defeat, earning a chuckle from the  Sargent, his laugh vibrated against your back. "I don't ever wanna let  you go Doll" he said close to your ear. Your heart fluttered. "You dont  mean that.. you dont even like me" you scoffed in barely a whisper, but  loud enough for him to hear. His grip loosened, you turned around and breathed like a normal person.  But froze when you saw his face, the look of sadness and anger in his  blue eyes. "What's wrong?" You asked concerned, stretching a hand out  but he pushed your hand away and stepped back. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN  EVERYTHING Y/N?!" Bucky screamed in your face, you were shocked and  before you could ask what happened. He stormed out of the room, slamming  the door so hard it shook the door frames. You couldn't stop the tears from falling, why did you have to ruin everything.

"its bullshit!" Tony repeated in a normal voice, "you're just so  goddamn distracted on the field! If Clint died, it would have been on  YOUR CONSCIENCE!" Tony started yelling in your face, his breath fanning  your skin, you just sat there and took it hoping it would make him feel  better. "I'm so disappointed in you, you could have killed him. I hope  you're proud with your actions today. For the time being until your  training improves, you're staying behind at the tower. No more missions  for a minimum - A MINIMUM of six months!" He boomed, before you could  ask any questions, he strode out the door and joined the teammates on  the couch with a six pack of beer. You just sat on the stool quietly  with your thoughts, thinking about every word Tony just said to you. You   fiddled with the bottle cap in your fingers, an uneasiness feeling in   your chest. You never saw Tony so angry. But you did accept the   consequences, it just pissed you off he wouldn't let you speak. Now you were thinking of how you could escape from the kitchen area to your room without them seeing you, right now you just wanted to be alone  and you were sure everyone else had heard Tony yelling in your face. You heard everyone's voices in the room next to the kitchen, laughing  and joking, it seemed. You grabbed a couple bottles of water, and quietly  you paced from the kitchen heading straight to the door on the other  side of the commons room. As soon as you stepped out from the kitchen  you noticed everyone had stopped their conversations, you didn't dare  look in their direction. You just sped to the door that was now in front  of you, opening and closing it quickly behind you. Sighing in relief,  you decide to just take the stairs to your floor. At least there was no  risk of bumping into anyone. Three floors later, and you were finally on your floor. You were still  feeling apprehensive, and it worsened when you heard the elevator doors  slide open and close behind you, followed closely by big heavy booted footsteps.  "Doll?" You heard his voice, and without turning around you knew it was  Bucky Barnes, he was the only person in the tower to use such pet names with the ladies. Sometimes it bothered you, other times it made you  blush. You were not in the mood right now for such names. "Are you going  to yell at me too?" You asked turning your head slightly, keeping your  gaze to the floor. "Go ahead, I deserve it" you finished saying, turning  your head back in front of you, taking in a deep breath. Bucky wasn't  afraid to speak his mind, you had a feeling he would want to say  something to you, about your stupidity. But the yelling never came,  instead he stepped closer to you and pressed his bionic arm on your  shoulder, giving a comforting squeeze. "I'm not going to yell at you,  doll" he said quietly, as if he knew the distress you were in. "But it's  my fault" you replied coldly, a tear finally rolling down your cheek.  The sound of your voice breaking broke Bucky's heart, if anyone understood what it meant to keep making mistakes it was him. Without   another word, you pressed on into your room. Hearing Bucky's footsteps   right behind you. "Sweetheart, every single person in the world makes  mistakes. It is not your fault, Tony just needed someone to blame. Clint  is going to be fine" he said gently, stepping further into the room.  The only sounds that filled the air was his bionic arm whirring, his  deep heavy breaths and your shaky ones. "But Tony hates me, everyone hates me. You hate me" you turned away from  the super soldier. His gaze burning into the back of your head. "No doll, I could never hate you. I'll always be here for you. I'll  always be here to protect you. You're my favorite little person, y'know?  Doll, please look at me" Bucky pleaded. You slowly turned around, his eyes were soft and his lips tugged up into a lopsided smile. "Did you just... did you just call me little?" You asked, dramatically  gasping playfully. A chuckle rumbled from Bucky's chest, echoing off the  four walls. Bucky stepped closer to you, closing the gap between your  bodies. It was hard to deny your feelings for the soft soldier, you noticed how  he seemed to favorite you. Always defending you, and picking your side  whenever you and Nat would have a disagreement about something. It was  hard for you to admit he was also your favorite person in the tower,  Bucky was supposed to be this mean, closed off man. And he is with other  people, but when he's around you, he laughs, jokes and is a completely different  Bucky to what you will see on a mission. You trust him with your life,  and you knew if he said he would always be here for you and protect you,  he meant it. Even if it meant keeping you safe from yourself, he didn't tell you yet but  he would stay behind with you when everyone goes on a mission. Leaving  you is not an option, you are an amazing avenger, and believed it was  over the top Tony dropping you from further missions temporarily over a  simple mistake that shouldn't have been your responsibility anyway, it  was for the whole group to keep an eye out for snipers, and since Tony was the one who distracted you in the first place, well that just pissed him off. He made a mental  note to tell Tony his thoughts, he was sick of his arrogance. The team   needed you, even Tony knew it. But his stubbornness got in the way, always treating you like a child, now allowing you to grow and be your own person. "Bucky..." you say, wrapping your arms around his midsection, Bucky  wrapping his arms around your back, bringing you in closer and just  holding you. This is what you needed, a hug from a certain person. "I  love your hugs" you mumble against his chest, not sure if he heard you.  But with his enhanced hearing, he heard you perfectly well. He strokes your hair with his flesh hand, and   rubbing circles on your back with his metal one. You lifted your head   and rested your chin on his chest, looking up to his cerulean blue eyes,  noticing the beard he was growing and smiling because you realized he was growing it because you once said you would love to see him with a beard like Steve's. And you would shamefully  admit you've never kissed a man with a beard. "What are you thinking about, doll?" He questions you, noticing your smile. His tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. "You. " You simply answer, moving your hands from his midsection to the back of his neck, bringing him down to meet your lips. Bucky is surprised by your sudden move. But quickly accepts the invitation. His  flesh hand moving to the back of your head, to angle it differently to  deepen the kiss. His lips are soft, and the beard tickles your chin, making you giggle  slightly. Bucky pulls away slightly surprised by your giggle. "What?" He asks you with a smile. You shrug a little, "your beard tickles" you chuckle shyly. "Its the  first time I've kissed a man with a beard" you admit shamefully, tucking  his brown locks behind his ear. Bucky joins you in a chuckle. "Are you going to keep it?" You ask after a moment of silence, your hands still wrapped around his neck. "Hmmm" he pretends to think, "only on the condition you'll be my girl" he grins, darting his eyes from your eyes to your lips and back again. You playfully consider his options, tapping your finger on the back of his neck and you feel him shudder. "Deal." You say, bringing his soft plump pink lips back down to yours again. "I love you doll" he whispers against your lips, pulling away slightly to read your face. "I love you too Bucky" you say honestly. You might have secretly been in love with him for a long time. Later that evening, Bucky kept his mental promise and had a stern word with Stark. Tony promised he would find you tomorrow and apologize. As Bucky also promised, Clint made a full recovery. You had peeled back the duvet covers and climbed into bed with some  chocolate. Bucky joined you shortly after, you both layed in your bed,  cuddling, his metal hand on your hip, and his flesh hand resting on top  of your head as your head is pressed against his broad chest. You both  found a Netflix series that interested you, and this was the perfect  excuse to be close to your new boyfriend every night.