robbie

Vance wouldn’t come to say he became friends with anyone. He was friends with that one striped shirt fucker before everything but he can’t even remember that kids name, and fuck if he knew where the guy went.

Who cares really? People come and go and Vance never exactly grew attached to anyone.

But it is an undeniable fact (anything is deniable, fucker) that he felt now forever tethered to 5 other boys because of that psycho masked fuck. He still kept his distance, it’s not like he was trying to get buddy-buddy with them all and share fuckin’ cupcakes together in a picnic or nothing.

Even so, he ended up on one of the bleachers at the baseball field. It was a decent spot, usually empty except on days where people.. ya’know—played there. Yamada had gone back to the sport as soon as he could after they all got out—tried to stay light and distracted and find some sense of normalcy again.

Finn hadn’t been so quick. Bruce had offered plenty times to play each other on the field, just for fun, and Finn had picked up a bat once or twice. But when the idea of actually getting back on the field officially like before, he said no. Some bullshit excuse Vance hadn’t actually been there to hear—he got the story in bits and pieces later.

But Robin saw the discomfort that crossed Finn’s face when he saw Bruce wearing the uniform, because obviously they all ended up together in the bleachers watching the other boy play. Solidarity or healing or some bullshit. It wasn’t Bruce that made Finn nauseous, it was the idea of the outfit.

Thankfully for Finn, no game today. Bruce stands in the field still, but he’s not in any baseball jersey. Just a regular shirt and wielding a bat and fighting against a machine instead of another kid.

Vance can’t deny that he’s got a good swing, and that’s the only compliment anyone will be getting from him.

The problem comes while Billy is telling some random story about his dog protecting him one time and Robin keeps jumping in periodically. When Vance glances towards the street bored and sees the familiar busted up trash car his dad drives just idling on the curb.

Asshole is already looking back at him. Vance bristles for about half a second before 1. He scowls and 2. The fucker gets out of the car and starts walking.

“Fuck off, asshole.” Vance murmured under his breath, either like he was charging up to shout it properly or trying whatever spooky manifesting shit Finn’s sister does. As if the old man will just vanish into the air. Two of the others looked over when they heard it, and Bruce noticed the man approaching when he was winding up for the next ball.

“You boys look rather comfortable.” The old bastard said, already sneering as he looks over all 5 of them on the bleachers sitting together. Vance can practically hear something bubbling in the fucker’s throat and he wants to punch it in.

Then he narrows in on Finn and Robin, who are sitting rather close for two completely platonic boys in the 80’s. Vance’s father knows how to spot weakness and vulnerabilities—where did you think Vance learned?

He almost laughed, cruel and familiar enough that all of them tense a bit. “Vance you’re hanging out with fags?” He gestured with the cigarette he was holding still burning between his fingers.

“I knew getting fucked would’a turned you into a milksop.”

Vance sneered, already opening his mouth for a sharp retort while the older man continued. His attention slides back to Finn. “Being down there awakened somethin’ in ya, huh?

Robin stands, Vance halfway does too—Finn gets the first move before either of them do by flicking the lit joint he’s halfway smoked into the fucker’s eye and then hitting him with a wet punch to the nose.

Whatever insult or slur had been waiting on his tongue next was replaced for incoherent cursing and shouting and a couple vague death threats while the old bastard tried to stop burning and the incessant dripping red from his nose.

Vance just stared for once, watching a grown man writhe on the ground in agony instead of causing it in others. That’d be the second time this year.

Finn’s already puking behind the bleachers with Robin combing his hair, which he seems to be reluctant to let the other boy do after the heinous implication that was just thrown his way.

Maybe there will be one more compliment anyone gets from Vance that day. And fuck, he might replace Finn’s joint if he can scrounge up the money. (From his father’s wallet, obviously.)

Griffin is probably around 12 when he steals his first PC from a repair shop when no one’s looking. He figures no harm done, the shop does well, and they’ll have to replace it for the customer.

Also, he just doesn’t give af because he figures his life is worse than whoever he took it from. His mom works all the time and while she loves him, at least she says she does, they’ve never really been good at connecting. They’re poor. No one at school notices him. He’s felt invisible for years, so sue him he steals something big for once instead of the small stuff he steals from classmates on the daily.

He gets into online gaming. He plays one game a lot and one night ends up paired up with someone with the username PaperBoy (omg, who could it be?). Anyway, they play for a long time and friend each other on the game.

It starts slow. There’s an ingame chat function that they use. Paperboy has a mic, but Griffin doesn’t. Eventually Paperboy mentions that he wishes Griffin had a mic enough that he believes him and steals one. They start chatting. They’re probably 13.

Griffin thinks the voice sounds familiar, but voices are like that. Eventually after they have their first conversation about real life (Billy opens up about having anxiety. The pressure he feels to always be under a routine. The stress his dad puts on him), Paperboy tells him his name is Billy. Griffin tells him that his username, StaggnantCreature, is actually his full legal name. It’s a joke to lighten the mood, but it’s also only half a joke. Stagg is his last name and a griffin is a creature. Billy has to go but Griffin figures he’ll tell him his actual name next time they play.

Except the next day at school Billy has to give a report in English class. And Griffin realizes why the voice sounds familiar. He tells himself he’s imagining it because they have the same name. But he knows he’s not. Billy’s voice is starting to drop just like Paperboy’s and their cadence of speech is the same. And he’s heard Paperboy talk to his dog, usually something like, ‘I’m almost done Harp, give me five more minutes.’ And he remembers he’s heard Billy talk about his dog Harper (bc who hasn’t, for a popular kid he sure does yap a lot about his dog).

Griffin decides he can never tell Billy who he is. Billy is popular, Griffin is no one. And the older he gets the more he feels like a total freak. He doesn’t want to lose the closest thing to a friend he has.

They get older and closer. They tell each other everything. Griffin never worries about giving himself away because how could he? Billy Showalter doesn’t know he exists, so how could he put it together? He opens up about his mom, never says he’s lonely but doesn’t have to say it. Paperboy gathers from the additional time spent gaming. Paperboy worries about him. He listens to him go off about random YouTube rabbit holes he goes down, about books he’s read. He tells Griffin he’s interesting. When he finds out Griffin pretty much exists on microwave meals, he offers to DoorDash him something with nutritional value. Griffin doesn’t take him up on it, he can’t let Paperboy know they live in the same town. Paperboy doesn’t push. He accepts that Griffin is private.

They’re 16 when Paperboy comes on the game sounding miserable. He tells him his mom checked his search history. Saw he was looking up stuff about being gay. She freaked out. His parents aren’t overly religious, but they are conservative and believe there is a certain way to do things. They want him to grow up, get married to a beautiful woman, have two kids and a dog. He’s up for growing up and having a dog, but that’s it. He knows even if he was with a guy there are ways to have kids, but he just has never wanted any. He likes dogs, dogs make sense to him. He doesn’t like many people and doesn’t think he’d like raising them. It all sounds weird if Griffin thinks about it in terms of his friend being popular Billy Showalter, but for Paperboy it makes total sense. Griffin comforts him, makes him laugh. When he asks, tells him he’s gay too but didn’t want to rock the boat in case that was an issue. Paperboy assures him there’s nothing he could say that would rock him off their boat.

Griffin can’t help but ask Paperboy if he has a crush on anyone at his school. He laughs. Says there is a guy who is exactly his type in a bunch of his classes, but they don’t talk. Griffin has no idea who it could be; he’s in most of Billy’s classes and he talks to pretty much everyone. Billy says it’s for the best because his parents wouldn’t be okay with it anyway. And he wouldn’t want to put a guy through his baggage. When he dates a guy, he wants to be able to really be there for him. Wants to take care of whoever he’s with. Griffin thinks about the way Paperboy is always trying to take care of him and tries not to think too much of it. He tells Billy the guy will probably want to help with his baggage too, but that Billy is sweet for what he said and will probably make a great boyfriend.

They get even closer after that and Paperboy does everything you could think of to try to take care of a long distance friend. It makes Griffin half sick. He knows he should tell Paperboy that he knows him but he can’t. It’s been too long and he’s afraid to lose him. Then one night Paperboy confesses that he likes him. That he doesn’t care about other guys at school, he just thinks about him. He says it’s okay if Griffin doesn’t feel the same or doesn’t want to ever talk about it again, but he wants to say it. Besides, he knows he’s obvious about it. Griffin feels terrible. He tells Billy (because no amount of separation in his mind can make it not Billy) that if he knew him, he didn’t think he’d like him. Billy tells him he doesn’t know Billy very well if he thinks that because he’d like him no matter what. Griffin says that’s not true. What if he was a girl or some 50 year old guy who kidnapped kids and kept them in a basement? Billy asks if he is either of those things. Griffin tells him no, but that’s not his point. Billy tells him short of being some creepy older person, he’d still like him. If he was a girl he wasn’t sure they’d work out sexually, but he would still want to at least be close friends because he’d still like him as a person. Griffin still says he doesn’t think Billy would like him. Billy says he’ll just have to change his mind.

Later Griffin has to give a presentation in a class with Billy in it. He hates presenting in front of people and usually teachers will let him do it in private, but this one is making him give the presentation in front of everyone. He’s doing a shit job even though he knows the information. He’s reading robotically right off of his slides. At the end the teacher asks if any students want to help Griffin out by giving him a chance to speak about his topic instead of just read about it. It’s embarrassing and at first no hands go up. But then Billy’s does, because he’s nothing if not helpful. Griffin can’t even look him in the eye, but he answers his question. But then Billy gives him another, trying to be helpful, trying to get him more points on the project he doesn’t care about. He answers again. Then Billy throws him a third one and it’s embarrassing but also kind of sweet in the way Billy is when he really wants to help. It makes him laugh, and the thing is he has a kind of distinctive way of laughing when he’s over Paperboy’s shit and is just humoring him. He freezes immediately and Billy’s eyes grow with recognition and his ears turn red as he looks down and away from Griffin, but not before he sees the flash of betrayal.

The bell rings and Griffin grabs his stuff and pretty much runs for the door. He’s scared the rest of the day of Billy confronting him but it doesn’t happen until the end of the day. He waits and leaves late. He knows Billy should have sports practice, so if he waits he won’t be around the school parking lot. He goes to get his bike to ride home, but it’s gone, lock and all. Billy pulls up in his car, Griffin’s bike lock in his hand. It’s one of those 4 digit ones and the digits match his ingame username (pretend I put number with his username). He motions for Griffin to get in, and Griffin does because what else is he gonna do, run away from the guy with his bike?

For awhile they just drive until Billy finally explodes, asking how long Griffin knew it was him. When he says he’s known since they were around 13, Billy isn’t any happier. He doesn’t understand. Why wouldn’t Griffin tell him? Was he trying to catfish him? Did he want to get dirt on him or something? Was any of it real? He can’t understand why Griffin would hide it if he wasn’t trying to hurt him.

Griffin is offended by the accusation, because yeah, he didn’t tell him, but not because he wanted to hurt him! Because Billy is Mr. Popular and Griffin isn’t anyone. He’s the weirdo freak in the back of the classroom, and Billy is the golden boy. Everything Griffin told him was true, it wasn’t his fault that Billy had never bothered to look at him and connect the puzzle pieces. Stagg is in his username! He told him real facts about himself!

Billy laughs then. He says Griffin is fucking stupid or at least not as smart as he thinks, because he’s missing puzzle pieces too. He asks Griffin who is the one person in all his classes that he doesn’t talk to? It hits Griffin and he whispers, ‘Me.’ And Billy’s like, ‘Yeah, you. Wonder how I know you’re my type if I’ve never looked at you? Maybe if you weren’t doing everything in your power to hide from me, you would have noticed that. Maybe you’d have realized that I don’t think you’re a weirdo freak. I was trying to fucking help you today. I’ve always been willing to talk to you, Griffin. You’ve always been someone I’d like. I don’t understand why you only let me like half of you when we were both right there. Hell, the only reason I’ve never really tried to talk to you is because I was in love with you online and talking to someone I felt as attracted to as you would’ve felt like cheating.’

And Griffin’s just like, ‘You were in love with me?’

And Billy sighs and leans his head against his seat. ‘I am in love with you. I’m just trying to figure out if you feel that way too or if you’ve just spent the last 5 years fucking with me.’

Griffin tells him he was never messing with him. He was just scared. He didn’t want to lose him or not be enough. He’s sorry. He really is. He likes Billy too. He’s not afraid of Billy’s problems and would never use them against him. He loves him.

Billy says if that’s true, to be his boyfriend then. Griffin agrees but asks about Billy’s parents. Billy says they have less than a year before he can go to college on scholarship. Then he’ll have more freedom and be able to risk trying to actually deal with his parents. He asks if that actually is too much. Griffin says he already told him, he’s not afraid of Billy’s problems or baggage. They kiss!

The next day, Griffin is about to start eating the school breakfast of pop tarts when Billy comes over and yanks them out of his hand. He tells him junk food is not breakfast. He puts an açaí bowl and a green smoothie in front of him and grins saying, ‘I told you, I want to take care of the person I’m with.’ And it’s embarrassing, but Griffin is happy. He wants to take care of Billy too.

also me when they cancel saw fucking eleven: