Itās 4amā¦
Wth.
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@achingpoetry
Itās 4amā¦
Wth.

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When my ego died, it took my self-worth.
I tolerated more, because a part of me believed thatās what I deserved.
Yet another part was life, humbling me.
I just learned to love being alone, work on loving myself. It was better than the amount of time it would take me to heal and recover from something I cared so deeply for.
The shattering for meaning and because it did mean something, wasnāt worth it anymore. My heart had taken enough.
If I am to love again, itās going to be with the one that brings excitement in the form of peace.

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It was a madness I never experienced before.
I just had to come to the conclusion that it was all in my head. I was delusional.
I needed to tell myself there was no such thingātwo souls still feeling each otherās presence, simultaneously, from a great distance? Nonexistent.
I had to convince myself of this for my own sake and sanity, I try to at least.
so I continue walking this world alone. A true tortured poet with eyes that were once lively, now cold and empty. I can still laugh, smile, embrace the fleeting moments of joy in my lifeā now really appreciating them when they come. all the while, remaining unamused and aloof.
I have to keep reminding myself I donāt deserve continuous self flagellationāitās still uncomfortable for me to even say I deserve better.
I was young. That was the time to make mistakes and learn. I paid. I learned.
āForgive yourself. Forgive yourself B.ā
Yet the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear, ābut how could you, if you werenāt forgiven?ā
Fighting him off by reminding myself and responding to him
ābut he did. HE did.ā
Some of us only feel love once and the rest we get from an otherworldly entity, we learn that to be enough.
Forgive me father, for all the times you arenāt.
Some good friends would be nice.
and today⦠i missed God. i missed peace, the silence, the kind of love that asks for nothing in return, the simplicity that hugs you without words. i missed the days when my soul believed that good would always win. when the world still smelled like a brand new morning, and the heart still believed in the miracle of tomorrow. and to try to calm the hurricane living inside me⦠i came to write. to pour out. to hold myself with words, like someone trying to stop a pain no one sees. as i write, the song Pain by Luka Å uliÄ plays softly in the background⦠and it feels like every note of that cello is translating what even i canāt put into words. itās as if the melody knows where it hurts, where it bleeds, where it aches and calls. yes⦠my soul feels pain. not the loud kind ā but that quiet, existential ache that lies down silently in the chest⦠and stays. my soul is tired. tired of pretending to be strong, tired of smiling without reason, tired of surviving in a world that forgot how to feel. but you know what⦠despite all of it, my soul still has faith. faith that thereās something beyond the chaos, beyond the noise, beyond the rush, beyond this desert. faith that God still lives in the details ā in the breeze that brushes your face, in the tear that falls without cause, in the song that hugs you without touch. today i didnāt come to teach, or to say āthis too shall pass.ā i just came to feel. i just came to exist. and to share this moment with other souls who might also be tired⦠but who, just like me, still believe in the light. still long for God. still cry when they hear the cello speak. because some pain⦠only music understands. some faith⦠only the soul remembers. and some silences⦠only God can translate.
ā Phoenix Moon 333

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Safe
In blissful harmony.
What if I imprinted?
What if we all did?
If itās real.
That souls can imprint one another but not by will?
Like *imprint happens* āoh shit, thatās my person. Ok.ā
And you move along or just be together forever whatever.
ā¦.
No?
Ok.
Forgive me for not wanting to get out of bed.
I had the nightmares again, cold sweat
I woke up to hating how much of the trees these mega businesses are killing just to build more freaking houses.
Leave the fucking trees man. put a population limit and tell people no. Go somewhere else! Look at North Dakota, South Dakota idfk! Itās barren there! Wouldnāt that be nice?! I think it be perfect. Just landscape and no people. LOVE IT. Then I stopped and felt the hate rise again.
People fucking suck. We ruin everything.
I thought all of this in a sec and went back to sleep. Literally had nothing to do with my dreams.
i love sleeping .. u don't miss anyone & you don't feel any pain
I wonāt go back. I will break the cycle. I will annihilate, obliterate, the pattern. I WILL be proud of myself again. I have worked far too hard on myself to let someone diminish me into becoming the mess I once was. No matter how much it hurts and breaks my heart, I will overcome this too.
B, you are a beautiful rare amazing soul. Claim your power back. heal. Repeat.
Letās go.

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and nothing less.