Leanora

I've never been to Disneyland. My parents said no, that's not for you, And I would say, “when I have a child, I'll take them there. Everything will be for them.” I would l take them there to know That outside of the dark, sad stories Princesses smile and laugh As if they were never locked in towers - kidnapped for being who they were, For loving who they couldn't love. I would take them there to know that - God forbid - Should trauma ever darken their little door That there's life beyond. And that we're not all actors here in the aftermath. I would take them where happy endings happen, And where the dawn isn't soaked with blood Still warm from last night, Still unclaimed by bodies, Unreplaced. I will take them where we don't howl like animals For what's been lost from right beneath our sorry noses. Where we aren't reminded that Nothing is for us, really. We're all actors here, in the aftermath.

i. I can't find the tree we carved our initials into. I've been back to look every day this week. ii. There isn't a single thing you could say to me that would make my next breath worth taking, except for "come back to me". Come back to me. iii. I know the words for "I miss you" in twelve languages. You don't speak any of them.  iv. I'm learning not to talk too loudly to my demons when other people are sleeping.  v. It never mattered why I started crying, it was always about you in the end. Some things haven't changed. vi. When you thought you were at rock bottom, I was there carrying you all along.  vii. You were so set on looking up you didn't ever think to make sure you weren't standing on anyone.  viii. Today I couldn't remember what my name tasted like when you poured it into my mouth. iv. I tuned the sound of my breaking heart to B Flat, because it exactly matches the sound the universe makes. v. I stopped looking for that tree. I'm glad I never found it.