Asexual Explorations

We are a community that’s been damaged, and we will need time and work to heal. A lot of folks came into the community during years of intense strife, fear, and growing shame.

Now, the community is beginning to pick itself back up again. We’re poking our heads out of the closet, and looking around to see if the dust has settled.

In the wake of all that’s happened, it’s more important than ever to talk about where we’ve come from as we decide where to go.

If you want to read a great academic review of early ace community history, you can check out chapter four of this masters thesis. 

Nat Titman (who was very influential in early ace community building and helped write a lot of early AVEN materials) has a transcript of their 2012 London worldpride talk that is also very informative.

See also several videos from other ace conferences: on ace and aro zines as history and community building from the 2019 NYC conference, and History of ace communities part 1, part 2, and part 3 from the 2014 Toronto Conference.

Hexaquark also made a visual timeline of early ace community history.

For more on asexuality in news media, the AVEN wiki has some cool places to start with pre-2000 and 2000s media collections.

so. since AAW is almost over and i’ve yet to deliver on the one thing i said i was going to contribute although i will deliver. at some point. eventually i’m going to talk about my experience as growing up asexual without realizing it, since i haven’t really talked about that in detail before

now, the most common narrative we see in the asexual community is aces who grew up feeling broken, knowing there was something different about them, and not knowing how to fix it like everyone told them they should. and this is aces of all ages, from young questioning teens to the elderly who learned the word asexual from their grandkids

and this is an important narrative to highlight, because no one should ever have to go through that. and my heart goes out to every ace who has ever felt this way. only, as i’ve become more involved with the ace community and seen this prevailing narrative, i’ve felt a little confused because, in my case, it was the exact /opposite/ problem for me

because i thought i was straight. even though i exhibited behavior that could be read as bi, even though my parents “worried” i was a lesbian for a number of years, i knew i wasn’t gay and i knew i wasn’t bisexual. i don’t know how, but i did. and because i thought straight and gay and bi were the only sexualities that existed, i figured i must be straight. it was never a question as to whether or not i knew i was, i just wasn’t anything else, so i identified as straight by default

and it’s not that i thought i was straight “but not very good at it.” or that i was straight “but something was still missing.” or even that i was straight “but hey shit happens.” no, i thought i was straight, wholly and completely. and so, because i was undoubtedly straight, i assumed that this was what being straight was. i assumed that how /i/ experienced straightness was how everyone else must be experiencing their straightness

so, how it was for me, is that i thought /i/ was “normal” and that it was literally everyone else who had the problem. because i wasn’t actually experiencing straightness, so obviously our feelings weren’t the same, but i thought they must be, and i held myself as the standard, and when other people didn’t exhibit their straightness as i did, i thought there was something wrong with /them/

frankly, i’m a little concerned to know what this says about my ego, although i’m not about to think it’s exactly a bad thing, since it did save me from that existence of feeling broken and lost and self defeating about my sexuality. or maybe it’s just because i’m a naturally reclusive person and i’ve always been a little more mentally-independent

the point i’m trying to make, is that this is not an ace narrative i’ve ever come across before, only i’m certain i can’t be the only person who has experienced this or something similar. which is why i’ve decided to share this story for AAW, in an effort to bring awareness to the multitude of ways people can grow up being asexual and not realizing it

and this is not to say that i didn’t experience isolation or confusion, because i most certainly did feel these things. although this came from a different perspective than those who think of themselves as the ones who are broken. i didn’t think that i should be feeling like everyone else, i thought everyone else should be feeling like me, and so it confused me that i still couldn’t understand them

because i felt i should have. they were straight, just like me, they felt the same things i did, so why couldn’t i understand them? the degree to which this bothered me varied depending. generally i’m not particularly concerned about the affairs of others, so i didn’t spend /a lot/ of time fussing about this. but when my friends dated or when i heard people talk about sex and all it entailed or when we got the abstinence sermons at church, i did feel very alone

because i didn’t /understand/. why was everyone else obsessed with dating and losing their virginity? why was everyone obsessed with sex? why was everyone having so much romantic drama? why were adults constantly trying to instill in us the importance of abstinence? why was it such a big a deal to wait for marriage?

why were people behaving in ways i couldn’t understand? i felt just like them, so why weren’t they making sense? why was it so hard for them to just not care about sex? to just not have sex? to just not date? if it was so much trouble, why not just avoid it? why was that so hard? what made it worth it to these people?

why did adults keeping telling me it was important to wait? i got it, okay, it wasn’t that hard, you just wait. why did they tell me it was important to resist? what was there to resist? why were they making such a big deal out of it? why did other kids complain about this? it wasn’t that hard, just don’t have sex. so why were they obsessed with it anyway?

it frustrated me to no end that i couldn’t understand these people that i should be able to understand. and sometimes it left me feeling very much alone; and normally i didn’t care about being alone, i didn’t care about being the odd one out, i didn’t care about going my own way as usual

but it was a very distinct feeling of being on the outside looking in. or more accurately, that i was inside and everyone else was outside but they all seemed to be having a good time and i didn’t understand why they didn’t just come inside with me because it was perfecty fine in here

but of course, all of this was because i was coming at it from the wrong perspective. i wasn’t experiencing straightness as i thought i was, it was something else entirely. and it was such an incredible relief to learn about asexuality. because finally--finally–i knew what i was feeling, finally everything /made sense/. it was like i’d been stumbling around in semi-darkness, never questioning that maybe things shouldn’t be like that, and then suddenly all the lights were turned on and i understood

and i was able to relax and find comfort in my identity and stop worrying about understanding all those people and all their ridiculous nonsense. because of course i couldn’t understand it, we were feeling different things. they were feeling exactly as they should, it was i who had mislabeled my feelings. and it was such a relief to know that i wasn’t part of that and so i didn’t have to worry about not fitting in with it

i was part of this whole other group of people, and /these/ people acted in ways i could understand. i didn’t have to be confused or frustrated or isolated because they felt how i did and when they said things, i got it. i could understand these people, and that’s part of why it’s so important to me to contribute to this community as best i can, because it makes sense to me, because for the first time in my life i have found people i can understand

you know, one of the most important aspects of mainting mental health is validation, is understanding. it hurts a person emotionally to be alone, to have no one to talk to, no one who can understand you. and this is coming from me, who relishes being alone, who seeks to be alone whenever possible, who finds fulfillment and satisfaction in solitude

because it’s not just about being physically alone, it’s the emotions. it’s a very different feeling of /wanting/ to be alone and then feeling like you’re alone because you can’t connect with the people around you. even now, sometimes, i get a little tired dealing with my offline friends because none of them are ace and they’re all very sexual, and i don’t mind, really, but it gets lonely, and it’s such a respite to be able to come online and talk to and interact with other ace people whenever i want

and that’s why i’ve decided to share this story, because you guys can understand me, and i know there’s probably some other aces out there who had my same circumstances and maybe wondered if they were the only ones. you’re /never/ the only one, there’s billions upon billions of people on this planet, there is garaunteed to be at least one other person who feels the way you do, and if there’s a chance that i’m that person, well, here i am

that’s why i’m always open to talking to ace people, and especially questioning people, because i can /understand/ you, and sometimes that’s what a person needs. and that’s why this blog exists

that’s why it’s so important to raise awareness of asexuality and instill pride in asexual people, so they don’t have to grow up thinking they’re something they’re not, so they can know that there’s a whole community of others out there that can understand them, and so they never have to feel like they’re alone

I indentify myself in the grey spectrum. I started taking the pill mainly to take control on my bad acne. At the time I did not have a relationship but now it's been 3 years since I have been with my bf.

My big problem is my gyno. I am still a virgin and I'm kinda of afraid of penetration even with medical strumentation. The doctor laughed at this situation saying it is nonsense that I am not having sex given that I take the pill. And if I don't do it on my own, she told she will have break my hymen for medical purpose.

Timon and Pumbaa - whether you call it a qpr or an amazing friendship, these guys are peak aro!

Their intro to ‘Can you feel the love tonight’ and mourning that their trio’s down to two, Timon’s romance repulsion and Pumbaa’s obliviousness to the Simba/Nala dynamic are just so aro.

These guys are aro goals, awesome enduring friendship that turns into found family awesomeness, two dudes who are bff’s and the random lion child they adopted!

Go and think about what kinds of relationships you want. Don't think about labels like romantic or platonic or sexual, think purely about what relationships would make you happiest.

When I realized I was aromantic, I was asked things like "Would you still date? Would you have a QPR? Will you ever kiss?"

But the aromantic community didn't ask that. Instead, they focused on "What do you want in a world where anything is possible?"

And I realized I want to be alone, surrounded by friends and family I love who are close enough, I can bring them fresh baked scones when I overbake.

They asked me "What do you want?" and the question was so broad, I could weigh labels in my hand like queerplatonic partner and nonpartnering and significant other. I could look at these and shrug and say, "What I want is to not worry about questions I don't care about." I could shelve these indefinitely. Maybe even forever. And just enjoy being myself.

The aromantic community celebrates exploration. Tells people asking if they are aromantic, "This is a personal decision. Your personal decision. If this label helps you, take it. If this community helps you, stay as long as you need. You don't have to be labelled anything, aromantic or otherwise, unless it would bring you comfort. You don't have to be anything you aren't."

Honestly, I owe it a lot. It made me feel understood. It made me feel like I was not broken or anything similar, and that romance doesn’t fit for someone, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

I was very upset at time -and sometimes I still am: I’ve always loved the concept of love, even thought I’ve never ever felt any kind of romantic attraction, and I just wanted to be in a relationship so bad. At least, until I had the possibility to, and the only thing I was able to feel was repulsion.

Also, I started wondering if I would’ve ended up alone, with all my friends falling in love, and I didn’t know how common this struggle was among aros, not until I read this comic, and it managed to make me feel a bit less alone.

So, I strongly recommend you to read it, and I hope you’ll find it comforting as much as I did.

I’ve noticed that a lot of queer people say tumblr is not a great place for queer people with less visible identities.  But the aromantic community here is the only thriving queer community I’ve ever found that accepted me unconditionally.  I’ve been thinking about this, and I want to talk about it some, as an aro that is a good bit older than most the tumblr community.

Me: *feels a genuine smile coming on when watching my friend be themself*

Right brain: Is this romantic attraction?

I remember a LOT of ace content back when I first started engaging with the community was like “Aces aren’t just late bloomers!” “Stop assuming aces will change their minds one day!” “Stop telling them they just need to find the right person!” And I’m not disagreeing with any of that, it’s still rude to tell someone they’re wrong about who they are. I just want to talk about what happens when you do change your mind, because I’m not the only person I know who stopped identifying with asexuality at some point in early adulthood.

Personally, as a teenager I found the ace community extremely helpful and validating. I was so sex repulsed, I was practically terrified of sex. All I had ever heard about sex growing up was that supposedly it was morally reprehensible in all contexts other than marriage, and also because I was AFAB random men I didn’t know would want to have sex with me and could potentially violently assault me to accomplish this. So of course I deeply and unknowingly repressed any and all sexual feelings until I started to be exposed to some sex positivity and slowly began to unlearn almost two decades worth of guilt, shame, and fear. However, at the time all I knew was I didn’t want sex at all, and the asexual community gave me permission to not want sex under any circumstances. Which I desperately needed.

However, once I got older, things got a little weird. I reached a point where I was having feelings that were unmistakably sexual, but I was by no means ready to give up my identity as an asexual person. I had worked so hard to accept and assert my lack of sexual attraction, how could I now confront the possibility that I was no longer what I thought I was? To be fair, the ace community that I participated in was almost as full of “it’s okay to change your mind about your orientation!” as it was of “aces aren’t just late bloomers”, but I’d never met anyone who had identified as ace and changed their mind. Not directly anyway. I didn’t know any stories about what it was like to discover your sexuality after discovering you didn’t have one. I was alone in a whole new way I had never considered before, even though I knew that theoretically this change could happen. I just never thought it would happen to me.

So, I basically just spent a few years in this awkward limbo between asexuality and allosexuality, trying on different ace umbrella terms like grey-ace, demisexual, etc. Not really feeling a connection to any of them, not really feeling a whole lot of sexual attraction either. I’m still kind of in that limbo, and that may or may not change in the next several years. I’ll have to wait and see. I do know that identifying as a lesbian, first as an oriented aroace but increasingly as a possible sexual orientation, has definitely led to some significantly faster-paced developments recently. So maybe I was just gay the entire time (I mean I was gay the entire time anyways, but maybe my lack of interest in sex was actually a lack of interest in sex with men).

Like regular food? Necessary to survive, and while it can be eaten solely because of cravings everyone gets hungry and has to eat it. But that doesn’t make sense for sex because you don’t NEED sex to survive and not everyone who has sex “craves” it.

But candy? You don’t need it and eating it is a conscious choice. AND while a lot of people crave it but not everybody does. You can also enjoy candy without craving it or being hungry for it in the first place. Eating the candy or enjoying the candy doesn’t change whether or not you craved it in the first place. And this actually makes sense when it comes to sex and asexuality; not everyone has sexual attraction so they don’t “crave the candy” in this analogy and even if they don’t experience sexual attraction they can still have and enjoy sex like they would enjoy a piece of candy.This could easily be used for aromantics too.

I want that too. And yet I don’t. How do I hold these conflicting feelings? I have no clue idea.

The thought of someone holding me that way, in that gentle mundane way, like they just got home and want to hug me but I’m doing the dishes, it makes me squirm. One time I was in a bar off to the side, and this girl asked me to dance. She was asking anyone who would to dance. The music was loud and upbeat. I stepped onto the dance floor with her and started to move, but then tears came to my eyes and wouldn’t stop, I had to leave and just sob. I think about holding hands with someone walking down the street and I want to pull my hand away. I think about calling someone my girlfriend and I can’t get the words out, it doesn’t feel right.

But then I’ll walk down the street and see a pretty girl and wish this wasn’t so. I see a queer couple cozied up together in the winter cold and wish that was me. I come home to an empty apartment and find it lonely. I imagine a future where I show up to Christmas dinner alone and find it dreary. I listen to the cutest couple on a podcast and feel happy for them but morn myself.

How do I reconcile these feelings?

We get a constant influx of therapist horror stories. Therapists who say asexuality is not valid, therapists who try to ‘change’ their patient’s asexuality, therapists who insult and degrade asexual clients, and so on.

But we also get stories about therapists who are understanding, supportive, and knowledgeable about asexuality. And I want to make an accessible collection of such therapists.

Finding a therapist/counselor that suits your individual needs is always a challenge. Our choices are very often limited due to budget and travel constraints. We choose therapists that fit all our interests and needs - for some people, that means a very specific field, and therefore less options to choose from.

Aces deserve therapists that treat us right. We don’t need to be satisfied with a therapist that doesn’t understand asexuality. Our money can go towards brighter horizons.

If you know a therapist that;

Understands asexuality as a sexual identity

Respects asexual clients

Has experience with asexuality and the asexual experience

Is flexible and accommodating towards a diverse community of asexuality

Please send us their name and location! All submissions will be collected in a Google doc, meant to clearly indicate who is safe for aces, and where they are available.

We will require the therapist’s full name, and their city/state/country of employment. Bonus information (that’s not required, but would be appreciated); their price range ($-$$$), and their specific fields of speciality (LGBT issues, trauma, teens, etc). This list will be worldwide.

Thank you for helping us build a safer world for us!