scaredybear

he is the biggest victim player ever.

also gave me an official written move out date. it went from 1 year, to 6 months & "i'll give you a written agreement," to asking about written agreement and him saying "actually i'm thinking more like oct/nov and also i need until august 1 to write an agreement," to "get out on aug 31 or i will take serious action." btw, he initially said he would never agree to middle of august, as that would be "unnecessarily cruel" considering i would just be returning from a long out-of-state trip and my financial situation is still sitting at flatly broke. yet he would settle on a date just barely outside that range.

after all he's put me through, i so badly just want to respond with a "k."

it’s like the mask fell all the way off now that he no longer has to pretend with me. everything that made me feel weird and uncomfortable or hurt without understanding why throughout our 6 years relationship…it’s suddenly becoming clear as day.

he will turn everyone against me. he will laugh and intentionally bait emotional reactions out of me despite us agreeing mutually that there was nothing left to discuss, besides the living situation moving forward.

i’ve caught him in literal lies now as he’s getting more desperate. reached out and lied to the couple family members i actually have a decent relationship with, behind my back, to poison the well.

it all makes sense, now, and it’s a trip. ofc i was the perfect target. i’m insecure, autistic, with a small to non-existent support network. he’s a charismatic, high ego, vindictive narcissist. it was covert all along, too, always pushing barely what was acceptable to keep me under his thumb, questioning reality. constantly doing “nice” over the top gestures and making it his known persona so none of this would make sense to anyone.

pretty certain all his friends and family have turned against me. but i won’t play his game. he wants me to engage, get so frustrated by the treatment that i’ll have to explain my perspective to his family and friends. so that’ll they relay it to him in honest confusion, he’ll find a way to say, “ofc he’d say that” or “yeah he would do that.” he’ll smooth-talk and manipulate them even stronger into his victim story and then use whatever i’ve told them as information and ammunition to hurt me.

so i’ll live in a hostile household and won’t take the bait, biding my time until my family can “catch me.”

i finally broke and told my sister a lot more than i was originally willing. still not even barely below the surface of the iceberg. she understands clearer now. she wants me out of here sooner for my safety.

i didn’t realize how bad it got until too late.

he never hurt me physically in terms of hitting or violence. i’m coming to terms that he did, sexually. a lot. i was too scared to talk about it; i feel like he was counting on it being so hard for me to talk about that i would never. he knew it was my deepest source of shame.

i feel so scared of his escalating, desperate behaviors that at this point, the guy who swore he’d never hurt me, and cried that i would ever think he would even think of doing such…i find myself scared that he just might.

i’m having so many familiar feelings from childhood going through this shit. i’m scared he’s gonna snoop through my stuff, “accidentally” break things, hell — if he gets desperate enough by me grey rocking him — he might go into my work and say something. reach out to all my online friends and say something.

this is a lot to process. everything is really hard and it’s disorienting to find myself in this reality i subconsciously suppressed so long, despite my intuition always screaming something was off.