Accidental Brilliance

When I picked them up at my ex’s house today, he was just arriving home from a business trip that he didn’t tell me about. His girl friend was watching the 13 year old. Doesn’t even give me the chance to have my own child. If I say she has to, he’ll scream that she doesn’t. I’m powerless.

I was a good mother. Play groups and music classes and soccer and camp and endless hours driving them from point A to point B. Bedtime stories and reading help and doctors appointments… I did all that. It’s forgotten now. I’m just bad now. The one who messed up everything.

I’m not sad at all to see the year go. It’s been a year filled with heartbreak and tears and frustrations and growth and frankly, I’m just so fucking tired. I’m tired of having my heart stomped on when my kids don’t come over or reach out, unless they need something of course. Or when they seek advice from my ex’s girlfriend instead of me. Or when I have no idea what they’re doing or how they are because they don’t live with me. It’s hard to think about someone else fulfilling the mother role when I’ve not been allowed to do so. I feel so vulnerable that I’ve questioned who I am a thousand times over. I am a good person, right? I did my best, right? Then why aren’t they here. And the answer is always they need time to heal from all that life has thrown them. You need to be patient. They’ll come back.

Strange things happen with time. You start to rationalize the hurt hoping that will make it stop…. At least they’re together. And they didn’t pick him over me but rather the house. It’s bigger. Their rooms were already established. They like being there because there aren’t any rules. Anything except face the fact that you wanting a divorce from a loveless marriage filled with emotional abuse hurt them. They can on the one hand understand that the divorce needed to happen and yet still be hurt and angry. I don’t want to go back to that life. Not at all. I was slowly dying each day. I just want my kids back.

To catch you up to speed, I’m divorced again, have three children, and am now dating a woman. Honestly my life couldn’t be more Glennon Doyle-esque if I tried. (BTW, I’m reading Untamed right now. Wow.) I’m free. I got out. Yet there’s still wreckage from unhealed emotions and fractured relationships. It has not even been a year my therapist reminds me. We will get there.

In the meantime, I have been given the task of growing, emotionally; basically getting my groove back if you will. It’s both satisfying and humbling and part of me wishes I was a final product already. But the journey… I should enjoy the journey, sit with the pain, come out on the other side not finished, but improved. We are never finished. It just gets easier?

Hiking with this love is the best part of my day!

It’s 19 degrees outside. I hate temps under 30. But I’ve got to get the puppy out so time to suck it up. A quick 20 minute jog would make us both feel good.

My mental state has been better. I’m remembering to stay positive and looking at life half full. I’m slightly anxious at my new job, but I can squash it and carry on. Home is another matter....

Everyone is miserable here. My oldest doesn’t want to be here, my middle hides in her room, my youngest cries about being sad. My husband is clueless or is just not thinking about it so it’s my problem. My mom...I thought she’d be happy here but I think it’s all getting to her.

Yesterday was the first day in over a week that I felt a little anxious...a little out of sorts. I realized I hadn’t sat and thought about my three things. No intentions were set for the day. Mistake! To rectify the situation, I quickly shot a text to my friend Melissa. Dodged that bullet. To prevent another shaky day, here are my things I love....

1. I ran the clinic for two doctors yesterday and did a pretty good job.

2. My mom lives with me now so I get to hang out with her every night and watch TV.

3. My direct deposit FINALLY happened and it’s so nice to wake up today with money in my account instead of waiting for a check in the mail and waiting for it to clear....

4. The sky is a pretty periwinkle blue this morning.

5. I’m going to two different doctor appts today and checking things off my list.

6. Maya all curled up in a ball next to me...sighing...she smells so good.

Are you getting sick of me posting things I love?? This will be the last one. Maybe. Look, it helps to reinforce the practice, ok? So just think how you’re all helping me stay sane. Somewhat.

Today I love:

1. My vizsla is cuddled into the crook of my legs on the couch. I love her so much.

2. I slept relatively well. Even when my husband was snoring, I told him to shut up btw, I was able to sleep.

3. No work today! I mean there’s housework for sure, but I don’t have to clock in.

4. It should be warmer today.

5. Making my Christmas list!!!!

It’s not even 6am. The only people up are those crazy souls heading out to shop Black Friday sales. It’s currently 12 degrees where I live. 12. That’s January weather. Yesterday we had a small but great Thanksgiving with my parents. The food was perfectly cooked, mostly made by my husband. It was such a good day.

Today I love:

1. Heat and bathrobes

2. Leftovers for lunch

3. Quiet day at work

4. The weekend starts tomorrow

5. My mom is excited to move in

The last three days have been so enjoyable. No signs of anxiety or depression. Just me being me. I’m more relaxed on my drive to work, more relaxed at work, and even less resentful when I come home. I’d like to think it’s because I’m setting my intentions for the day by reminding myself what is truly good in the world. I’m seeing the world half full.

What do I love today?

1. Maya snuggles and kisses and more snuggles and kisses.

2. Peeking in and watching my little one sleep. I love her so much!

3. I’m wrapped up in many warm blankets. It’s so cold out today.

4. We can decorate for Christmas this weekend!

5. I don’t have to go anywhere today if I don’t want to.

Two good days in a row! All because I forced myself to see the joy. I know this isn’t a “cure all” and the road will always be bumpy. But this helps.

Today I love:

1. The smell of Maya’s fur and how cute her paws look when she’s sleeping.

2. My oldest daughter applied and interviewed for a camp leadership position and got it!

3. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!

4. Hopefully there won’t be much traffic today because tomorrow is Thanksgiving!

5. I’m quite comfortable and warm right now.

Yesterday my friend Melissa sent me a Snapchat listing all the things she could name that she loves in one minute. I LOVE that she did this. She’s being present in my life. She’s not letting me give up. Part of me wonders if it’s the medication because I have not been this down in a long time.

So what do I love this morning?

Warm blankets

Quiet houses

How my dog smells

How she is my shadow and lays partly on me when she’s sleeping

That my girls got along last night and spent time singing in the kitchen

That I’m not stressed out at my new job

That first sip of coffee

Knowing my lunch is already made

What do you love today?

It’s early. Maybe too early to even know, but I’m going to set my intentions now. Yesterday was a dark, dark, dark day. No idea why, but I barely made it. I’m not letting that happen today.

I love:

- Maya is laying curled up next to me sleeping and breathing and I love her so much!

- I had the last hour to myself. No one is up. It’s so quiet.

- I feel much better mentally than yesterday.

I asked a good friend for an honest opinion, what she thought about me and whether or not I’m too much. Your energy is dark she replied. But you still have your spark. It’s just deep inside. You need to find it. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, right? It hurt. But she was right. And she loves me enough to tell me. She loves me enough to help.

My oldest isn’t living with me much anymore. She says it’s too depressing at my house. I don’t blame her. It is. Or it was. Now that I see the darkness, I’m searching for the light. I’m finding things to be happy about each day. I’m alive again.

Today I start a new job. I’m also going to write more positive and less gloomy posts. Change is on the horizon. I can feel it.

What are you happy about?

Me, I’ve got a beautiful vizsla sleeping next to me. I love her so much. And I’m working in an outpatient clinic today. No more inpatient for me! And my children are healthy.

Celebrate the small things.

Don’t get stuck in your head.

I’m so freakin exhausted right now. My puppy is on the couch next to me chewing on an old stuffed animal of my daughter’s. It’s fine. At least she’s not biting us. It’s only 8pm, not late by any standard except if you’re a mom. My little one is hopping in the shower after a mid-week travel soccer game. I wasn’t able to go because I work in the opposite direction. Of course she scored a goal. Of course.

Tomorrow is Friday and luckily I have the day off to breathe. Thank God the week is over. The mental load I have carried all week has drained me. An interview, work, child care, puppy care, house cleaning, dentist, therapy, piano lessons, cheer practice, and soccer game, and who was going to do what and help me complete all these tasks since my husband was away. There are lists of things to check off before leaving the house and those that need to be done before bed. But no one who lives here seems to see all that I do or all that has to be done. Only I can. t’s a thankless job.

It’s Saturday night and I’ve had a few. Just watched Juno with my teens, don’t think they appreciated it as much as I do. They were a little creeped out by Jason Bateman’s character. Yeah. We all are. But damn that advice from her dad about finding someone who loves you for you. I wish someone had said that to me when I was young.

Anyway, I painted my nails blue and I miss my friends and I started a new med and I had some gluten free apple pie bites.

Right? Preach Jonathan

I’m still worried about finding a new job. I’m pretty sure the infusion clinic is out, which is complete bullshit. But I do have an interview this week for another position, so wish me luck. And hopefully this new med will make everything unicorns and rainbows...