#Dissertation Life and a Spin Class
I have always wanted to get a Ph.D. There was never a time in my life when I envisioned being out of school completely, a non-student (in an official, registered for classes kind of sense.)
When I got accepted to a doctoral program back in 2012, I was 8 months pregnant and on bed rest. I didn’t yet know that my postpartum anxiety and depression would engulf the entire summer before my (last) first semester of courses. Looking back on that time, and what we were able to overcome, amazes me - it confounds reality. But, then again, it also shows what love and acceptance can do. But, back to the program itself.
Take your classes, write your papers, work on the capstones...and so on. Until proposal defense time. Then it gets real. Those first three chapters are a make or break point, which I completely understand now. Even after more than a year of working on those first three chapters, molding them, agonizing over every citation, I still didn’t get it. The whole process, and what it would mean for me; mom of a now-toddler, still teaching part-time, and dealing with all the rest life brings.
As I now work on edits to the last chapter of my dissertation, I can finally say I feel a sense of understanding about all of this. This journey, which for me is still not completely over. And, somewhat unfathomably, it comes down to the most unlikely place for me to find a comparison: The gym.
I am not a yoga girl. To much space to think. I am weights on off days. And I take cycle classes. I love them. As in, I can’t imagine what I did before them.
Let’s be clear: I am not an athlete. I never was, and I never will think of myself that way. But, I do appreciate the skill and dedication that athletes have; the drive to never stop and always be better.
I digress. As I was in a spin class the other day, I realized that this hour-long workout perfectly encapsulates my life right now. Let’s take a closer look:
1. Warming up: To get the most out of cycling, without unnecessary pain, I must warm up first. This takes time. It can’t be rushed. I need to plan, get to class early enough to get seated correctly, and then get my body ready for the all-out attack that is to occur.
The year that I spent working on a pilot study, written exams, oral examination, and ensuing edits, was my warm-up for the actual data collection and analysis phase. At times it felt silly - why it is this taking so long? But without all of the edits, revisions, and thinking about my study, I don’t know if I would have been ready when the data came flowing in from the collection site.
2. Know your pace: One of the things I love about the spin instructors i work with is their specificity - how many RPMs to be at, and when, and for how long. Likewise, my advisor is incredible at sharing the pace of work for where I am, what is needed now, and making sure I have the information I need. I also have learned to work when I can, and when it’s possible, and at other times, to know and understand when it’s not the right time.
There are days when I can go into my office and work; other times it’s play time outside with my son, and never the two shall meet. I have learned to accept the pace of my life, and go with it; not fight it like i used to do.
3. Intervals: In a spin class, we will often have intervals; periods of gearing up for a push or burst of speed at a higher intensity level. The push-pull of the editing process is similar to this idea. I will work and push to get a chapter ready for revisions, or work on the appendices, formatting, etc. I have to gear up for this mentally, in order to focus on the work that day. This was especially true for the statistical analysis portion of the work I was doing. In order to be effective with the time I had to give, I had to think about what I could do that day, stand up, gear up, and push through in a burst of energy. I give my all in class during intervals, and the same was true of these times, or at least as much as possible.
4. Recovery: Nothing is possible without time to recover. I have found the more I carve time for myself - gym time, time out for dinner, the better I work. It makes me happier, more satisfied, and overall, more productive. Recovery can be anything; reading a book to my son, or playing trains with him. Eating a good lunch. Having a great day at school where I teach. It depends on the day. But,like in a spin class, without a little time to recover, we can’t perform at our best. Just make sure the recovery time is not over-extended. Going one month without looking at the #dissertation means I will forget what I’m doing. It deserves a check-in at least 2-3 times a week.
5. Climbs, dips, and the most beautiful views: One of my favorite spin classes comes complete with a virtual tour of scenic landscapes: Italy, France, etc. We follow the path on the projector screen, and at times I almost forget I am sitting on a stationary bike in Raleigh, North Carolina. Up and down, around, through gorgeous places: The dissertation process takes me on the same kind of paths. Not only when writing, which has always been my constant, most patient of pursuits, but at other times, when my place in this program has given me the chance to meet people, go places, and have experiences impossible otherwise. The heights are magical. The dips are excruciating. Waiting for responses, wondering if I made the right choice to embark on a program like mine...it’s a struggle over who has the most determination: My positive, hopeful self, or the one who doubts. And just like the sun, all of these feelings will circle back again.
6. Counting, breathing, focus: I traditionally have issues with focusing, especially at the gym. Sometimes I get what I call laser-beam focus. Try calling to me across a room during those times! But most of the time, especially since I became a mom, my mind wanders. In a spin class, I am forced to focus. Push, pull, count, breathe - in, out. If I don’t do those things, I can’t be successful.
When I work on my #dissertation, I have to find that focus. I have to push out all the bits of my life that want to intrude and waste that precious time. Bills, career decisions, student loans...the status of my son’s potty training, family decisions, etc. and on and on...these are important things in their own right, but when I am cycling, they can’t help me go faster. Same for the work I do that now equates to 138 pages.
Extended metaphors can be brutal to read about; but this one I thought, deserved some exploration. I find any explanation of a process as varied and ephemeral as this one deserves whatever description I can provide of it; for my own peace of mind, but also for anyone else who may be looking for some kind of connection to it.
Granted, I am not finished yet. But I will be soon. And I can’t wait to see if it feels as good as when spin class ends. I don’t know how to tie in the most important element of finishing up; Stretching. But I have some ideas.
















