Abuse Support

 It would be traumatic for an adult human being to be put thru that, what does it do to a child? Do you think this child will ever be able to walk this earth unafraid after society has allowed this to happen to them, and did nothing to prevent it, or defend them at their most vulnerable?

acts like you don’t exist until the second they want smth from you

pretends he’s your boss and gives you orders, treats you like factory worker

doesn’t know absolutely anything about you except what vulnerability to hit to trigger you into thinking you owe him obedience

demands you to be interested in his opinions and forces you to participate in activities he likes, never considers your interests

completely ignorant of you most of the time, then over-controlling, strict and ruthless when he wants something

disregards your personal space, enjoys poking and physically disturbing you, humiliates you in front of other people

is extremely strict on how you’re not allowed to embarrass him in front of other people, will treat you differently if others are present

clings to “traditional” values where children owe obedience in return for shelter, claims himself as the “provider” and expects endless gratitude

disregards your time and personal activities, expects you to be ready to receive orders from him at anytime

gets extremely angry and aggressive if called out, reaches for violence and terror if he’s not obeyed instantly

doesn’t hold back with yelling, shouting and heavy threats if his status is challenged

values his reputation more than entire family

values money and his personal pleasure more than family members

pretends to be the victim in absolutely any situation, if you as much as don’t idealize and adore him, you are hurting his poor feelings and you should know better that he actually cares deep inside about you even if it doesn’t show in any of his words or actions whatsoever

will patronize you, compete with you on how smart he is, gross you out, do childish pranks, act like a toddler and have zero emotional maturity

very blatantly prioritizes his social circle over you and will put much more energy and willpower into pleasing and impressing his “buddies” while you can go and raise yourself if you like

threatens to kick you out of “his” house as if he was renting you your place and not living together with his family members in a home meant for that

pretends your worth is nothing compared to his, works on lowering your confidence and will put you down especially when you are feeling a bit encouraged and happy with yourself

tries to control your opinions and makes you feel like you’re stupid for having independent thought that differs from his

shamelessly indulges in perverse, disgusting, dehumanizing and cruel behavior right in front of you

generates dumbest and most disgusting excuses for his behavior, however you are not allowed to put one step out of line or you’re deemed a waste of space and ungrateful brat

hyper fixates on your appearance, constantly makes you incredibly self-aware of how you look and what others are thinking of you

compares you to other people, to show you what you should be more like (or look more like), making you feel like you’re the only worthless person

tries to control and micromanage your appearance, threatens you with missing out this and that if you don’t look up to her standards

uses you as emotional and psychological support

tells you how you are the only one who understands and loves her, forcing you to bear the burden of living as her “support system”

constantly makes you feel guilty for everything that is happening to her, makes you feel as if you owe her to make the world a bearable place for her

shares traumatic stories from her past that you are too young to understand and react to, expects unconditional emotional support and therapy from you even when you are a child

if the dad is abusive too, accuses you of being “just like him” or tells you that you remind her of him when she lashes out on you

also if father or another person is abusing you, she stands on their side or just pretends not to see or notice it’s going on, later tells you it’s your fault

silences your opinions with “you don’t know anything”

shows exaggerated concern for you for purpose of controlling where you go and what you do, makes you feel obliged to avoid certain places or situations so “she wouldn’t worry” but it extends to stuff you would usually be able to do safely, like hanging out with friends or traveling or having a social life

forces you to center her well being and her happiness more than your own and if you do anything for your own good, you will be called out for not thinking of her first

doesn’t feel responsible for providing you with decent meals or wardrobe, doesn’t notice when you’re hungry or lacking in basic resources, but lashes out at you if anyone else notices for “embarrassing her”

or alternatively, is crazy controlling over when you’re allowed to eat, what you’re allowed to eat, and what resources you are allowed to have

pushes you into interests and activities she wants you to have, disregards and criticizes everything you do that she doesn’t like

her behavior towards you changes in public, she becomes must more concerned over how other people perceive her relationship to you, is generally nicer if other people are listening

feigns concern towards you in front of others, in private keeps telling you how you’ll never make anything out of yourself

tries very hard to keep you at home forever if possible, refuses to teach you basic life skills, denies you resources you need to learn how to make something on your own, convinces you that you are in fact, helpless and incapable of survival without her, insists that you be dependent on her

breaks into your privacy, demands sensitive information about your relationships, conversations and thoughts, everything you do not feel comfortable about telling her because you know she’ll use it against you

accuses you of being a failure as a child, for being “heartless” and not caring about her at all, reminds you of everything she’s been thru only to raise you, talks as if she sacrificed herself for you

has periods where she doesn’t seem to even notice you, then in other times is completely obsessed with you and wont let you out of her sight

acts aggressive at times but always with pretense that her violence doesn’t count because she’s not physically able to seriously injure you, disregards all psychological and mental wounds of being assaulted and hurt by your own mother

acts like you’re an extension of her and have no existence or life of your own, refuses to accept any individuality and tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming your own person

makes you feel too guilty to say no to her, uses every social convention to make you feel as if you’re using and discarding your poor mother when all you want is to create a single boundary

refuses to acknowledge any of your successes but brings up your failures as a proof that nothing will ever become of you

Your feelings and symptoms can never appear out of thin air, or of your own doing. If you’re hurt over it, it was bad. If you can’t stop debating it inside of your head, it was extremely significant to you. If you have trauma symptoms over it, it was traumatic. If you’re crying your heart out over it, it was awfully painful to you. Nobody can tell you how something was for you or what you should be feeling, it’s your feelings alone that show you just how much something affected you.

society: …

victim: says one word against abuser

It's important to state these in the positive. Qualities that the parent will have, not qualities you don't want them to have. If you get bogged down in just a bunch of things like, a parent who doesn't manipulate, who isn't a bitch, who doesn't hit me, etc, in the end all you get left with is a blank slate of a parent who doesn't necessarily abuse but isn't anything else either. We're not trying to imagine what we don't want here, but what we DO want.

Mine:

1) Loves herself (not the fake self-love of a narcissist tho).

2) Is capable of genuine love for others.

3) Can be affectionate with her children.

4) Speaks respectfully to others.

2) accepting of "different" people

3) is comforting

4) respects choices

2) Comforting.

3) Has a healthy relationship with money.

4) Is understanding when people afraid of things even if their irrational.

2) let’s me cry and comforts me

3) doesn’t yell at me

4) doesn’t force their problems on me

Please reblog so as many people as possible can see this. People who were not abused don't understand this about traumatic memory and that is often a basis for them not believing you.

There's all sorts of complicated science behind how this works, but I'm not going to get into it right now because I really want to hammer home this very specific point and not get distracted by anything else.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is recorded more similarly to a dream then waking life.

Do not let anyone hold your traumatic memory up to normal memory standards.

Do not let anyone convince you that your traumatic memories are invalid because they are recorded differently than normal memory.

Your traumatic memories are fragmented, out of sequence, and dreamlike. They contain both very vivid parts and totally missing parts. This is all valid. This is how traumatic memory is recorded in the brain.

And to make it one step worse, what’s expected of us constantly changes based on abuser’s mood, if abuser wants us to obey them out of pure terror, they want that terror to be seen on our face, it satisfies them, it reassures them they can control us, they don’t want us to be normal or safe in those moments, we have to display terror thru blind obedience. But then, in other situations, they want us to act as if we were a nice cozy family all along, like they never terrified us at all, to hug them and display natural shows of affection and love, to tell them how much we appreciate them and act for others as if they’re not scary at all. They want us to show trauma symptoms like strong self hatred, self blame, toxic shame and guilt, whenever they want to use it against us, but then at another moment have to figure out that now it’s the time to act as if nothing of this is happening and we’re happy and well adjusted, and any trauma symptom that reflects badly on them at this time, is forbidden.

One thing we are never, ever allowed to display, is our anger with them. Every attempt at showing anger or holding them accountable is met with punishment, violence, blaming and threats until they break us completely and make us feel helpless and hopeless. Because our anger is so on point, so righteous and gives us ability to dismantle our doubts, to know they’re to be held accountable, that they’re guilty and not us, it’s a big threat to all of the brainwashing and grooming, and they will go far out of their way to keep it repressed and directed at us instead.

Where’s my preparation to get a job and an apartment? Where’s my  preparation to stay calm in scary and stressful situations? Where’s my knowledge how to survive without anyone having to take care of me or support me? Where’s my preparation to deal with abusive authority, to fight for my rights? Where’s my preparation to sign contracts or deal with debt or figure out my own worth? Where’s my preparation to fight for myself when everyone else has written me off? Where’s my preparation to care for myself, to chase happiness and to reach old age peacefully? Where’s that preparation? Where is everything I actually need in order to live this life?

So I'm from America and I think there are a lot of Americans following me, but I've noticed also a lot of people from other countries following me and participating in discussions. I think that is so cool. So damn cool. How amazing is it that we get to share and hear experiences from all across the globe? Wow. What a thing. So let's just give a shout out and see where we're all from. Reblog with your country if you are from outside of America, and reblog with your state if you're from America. **Reminder, only do this if it's safe for you to do so.**

When you’re going thru trauma from young childhood, you’re often on your own and isolated from support. Even if you do have friends, how would you tell them? Just being abused isolates you from society because you can’t relate to non-abused people, you do not live in the same reality. Just imagining a life without a constant threat looming over your head, without measuring your every move in fear of how your abuser would react, is difficult.

And abusers use this, they use it to make you believe that it’s you who is different, weird, at fault for everything you’re going thru. They attack your sanity. Because how would you prove them wrong? You do feel out of place everywhere, because if you were a part of something, surely nobody would allow you to go thru all that suffering alone, surely someone would care about helping you. It becomes incredibly easy to believe that you’re overreacting, making things up, that you’re really just a dead burden on society and have nobody to blame but yourself. After that, it’s easy to gaslight you, to force you to doubt your own memories and senses.

So now, instead of just fighting trauma, you have to fight for your own sanity, and all while knowing that no matter what you say, you will not be believed, you will be dismissed, and at no point will things be okay for you. Even surrounded with people, you cannot ask for help, even revealing what you’re going thru is likely to get people to distance themselves from you, or blame you for it all, rather than offering support. At that point, abusers can do absolutely anything to you, and they will go unpunished. You’re completely at their mercy, and they will have you believe that it’s how things are supposed to be, you are at their disposal for anything they want, and it’s your fault if they hurt and torture you.

I also found out, that isolation alone is a form of torture for humans, not being able to share their experiences and feelings with others, to receive attention and recognition and form intimate bonds, people will start losing hope and their will to live if they’re forced to survive like this. For abused, this is happening at all times, they can’t share, can’t ask for attention, or be intimate without putting themselves in danger. Even if they’re surrounded with people, they don’t feel like they have a status of a human being, it’s like a constant impostor syndrome, fretting the moment people will find out you’re not really one of them.

(these apply to platonic and romantic relationships)

1. Attachment

The Emotional Abuser gives you attention: they make you feel flattered, loved and important. You start to believe that they genuinely care about you. They might even think that they do by themselves since they internally justify all their doings. Normally this kind of attachment would lead to a healthy bonding and a closer relationship. With the Emotional Abuser it leads to some levels of addiction and dependency on the victim’s part which is never their fault. Emotional Abuser’s behaviour exploits normal emotional bonding to another human being.

2. Guilt

In some point in the relationship you notice that it’s all about their needs. The Abuser might do something that hurts your feelings and bringing it up leads them to reason why it’s actually your fault and why you have to take responsibility for it. They make up convincing excuses why it’s not their job to do it, why it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to ask for it and so on. In other words: they Guilt-trip you. The Emotional Abuser believes they have no responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. If they feel uncomfortable by something in the relationship they will manipulate you to take the blame instead of trying to work things out. Guilt-tripping makes the victim submit and erodes their sense of emotional and physical boundaries since they are made to believe it’s their job to cater on Abuser’s needs.

3. Cognitive dissonance

After the idealization pace the Emotional Abuser will move to a devaluing pace. Catering to their needs is not enough any more and you feel you can’t do anything right no matter what you do. The pace starts when the Abuser feels you are getting emotionally too close and/or you are trying to hold them accountable for something they have done. Emotional Abusers are afraid of responsibility and in some cases intimacy so they will try to push you away. They use manipulation: Gaslighting and Guilt-tripping to force you into silence and to take all the responsibility for the relationship. They give you Silent Treatment which is justified by some clever excuses. Emotional Abusers believe they are entitled to absolute emotional comfort even when it means abusing other people.

Because you remember how well they used to treat you, your mind has a hard time accepting they are not the person you thought they were. In fact you might start to make excuses for them in your head because they have manipulated you into thinking nothing is their fault. It is extremely difficult to get away from the Abuser’s emotional trap because they take advantage of the victim’s emotional bonding to them and give false hope that the relationship could be “fixed”. You are misled into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy” and “selfish”, the Abuser will reward you with the loving behaviour they demonstrated in the beginning.

Aftermath

The Emotional Abuser has no intention to take responsibility for what their abusive behaviour has caused you because they have normalized and justified it in their head. Not all of the Abusers are so sure of themselves but need a lot of internal convincing and validation from others so that they can feel good about themselves which is their goal: not having to deal with responsibility or emotional labour. After all Emotional Abusers are not Disney villains but people who are so selfish that they lack of motivation to learn how to not hurt people.

There are two ways how the trap can break: the victim quits all contact with the Abuser or the Abuser leaves the victim. The latter one occurs if the Emotional Abuser feels they have to deal with too much because of the victim. The Abuser might feel threatened by the victim if the victim is making the Abuser feel bad about themself by calling out their abusive behaviour. The Emotional Abuser thinks that they are actually the victim in the relationship because the real Victim is making them feel bad and scared. The Abuser is genuinely afraid that they would have to deal with negative emotions that taking responsibility would require.