nonsensical thoughts

We’ve all been there. I mean to some extent, everyone is fake--we change faces depending on who we’re around, where we are, even just what we’re doing...and yet, I truly feel that I understand what a fake friend is. A fake person.

No, I’m not talking about Ashley. At least, not this time around. No, I’m talking about someone else. Someone in my life that I’ve discussed before, someone who wasn’t even in my life long enough to warrant this kind of anger and resentment, but this isn’t the first time I’ve dwelled on something until it destroyed me from the inside out. Hopefully this time I’ll reign it in before that happens.

Evan was Patrick’s best friend at Suffolk their freshman year, having gone through orientation together and realizing that they actually had a lot in common. Even their personalities clicked well--Evan was reserved and nervous, but Patrick was loud and confident. They were two peas in a pod. Even when all the others slowly drifted out of Patrick’s life, Evan was the one constant.

And soon enough, that constant became a constant inconsistency. I will honestly say that it started because of Cassie.

Cassie was a real bitch, to be frank--I have talked about her before so I won’t really get into detail. All I will say is that she gaslighted, manipulated, and controlled him to hell and back, and it shows. The best part was how she loved to emasculate him in front of us. Oh, how we loved pointing that out to Evan when we were alone with him (”leave her already!” Patrick would scold him. Evan would just say nothing).

Maybe we could have saved Evan if he wasn’t so pigheaded, so stubborn and prideful that he didn’t want to admit we were right. No, he broke up with her after it was far too late.

To this day I’m not even sure he would have broken up with her, if it weren’t for that trip. That trip, where he went to Costa Rica for 2 weeks over the summer with a group of Lesley nerds. He hung out with Patrick almost immediately after he got back, and all of a sudden he was convinced that he needed to dump Cassie. I will never know what happened during those two weeks, but I can take a few guesses. All I know is that a month later, Evan broke up with her, and a month after that, our relationship just...changed.

It was always the three of us. Well, it was Patrick and Evan, the two borderline-homoerotic young men, and then me, the cool gal pal (somehow, I felt like the third wheel when it was just the three of us). 

I have several theories about why things unfolded the way they did, but it would take a while to go over it all, and I have 4 minutes until I can leave work for the day, so I’ll make it snappy. 

Basically, Evan decided he was either too cool for us (he made new friends on the Costa Rica trip), they tricked him into thinking WE were the bad friends (maybe he shit talked us?), or he was too ashamed to admit we were right the whole time, and the shame was enough to cause him to ignore us for 6 months. Regardless, we had tried several times to nail him down to hang out and update us on his life, but he kept either flaking on us or ignoring us completely.

At one point Patrick sent him a long text telling him about how shitty of a friend he’d been, but it was ignored for days. Finally, when Evan did respond, it was to say, “sorry, not sorry”, basically, just not in so many words. Patrick was done, and in turn I was done. As I’ve said before, when Patrick hurts, so do I. What Evan has done can never really be forgiven. He didn’t even have the balls to grace us with a good bye. He simply stopped talking to us.

The only satisfaction I get is knowing that he got a teaching degree only because Cassie pressured him into it his freshman year and he never had the balls (surprise, surprise) to back out of it. So he’s stuck with a teaching degree, and now he’s balding and he’s a personal trainer.

A personal trainer is just the male version of a hairdresser, if you know what I mean. I digress.

I just found out today that he is moving to California. It makes me laugh because just a few days ago, I tweeted that anyone who willingly moves to California from the east coast, I cannot trust. Lo and behold. 

All I can say is that now that he’s going to be leaving the state, we can finally start to let go. He won’t be around with all of his 20-year-old Lesley friends, and he certainly won’t be enjoying hanging around our old stomping grounds. Good fucking riddance.

I give him a year before he returns with his tail between his legs.

That being said, a lot of things have changed in that span of time. The first thing is that I finally graduated from college. Not without a ton of student debt, but I’m planning on consolidating most of my loans together so I don’t have to worry too much about it. At least for the time being, I have the money to pay for it.

I have a job. It’s not much--just a receptionist position at a small insurance firm based out of Boston--but I don’t mind it and I get paid well for what I do (literally just answering phones and sorting/distributing mail). Most of the time I have nothing to do and I just surf the web. I felt bad about it at first but then I saw my boss on Facebook in his office the other day and I realized it’s pretty normal. I actually recently learned that flash games (those crappy online games) were literally made for people like me who are bored all the time. I digress.

Being bored all the time prompts me to think a lot. I’ve been trying to engage more with the world and learn new things when I can. Often times I lack the motivation and I end up on Reddit, but sometimes I learn things there, too. For example, why is nobody talking about the fact that Russia is literally trying to create cyber warfare in Ukraine?

I’m still with Patrick. We’re pretty good. Things have changed a lot and our relationship is significantly healthier than it was. We aren’t perfect but no couple is, and that’s something I’ve come to accept. I have to admit lately I’ve been getting jealous of him because he’s currently in grad school on the track towards becoming a tenured professor, and I’m over here with a dead-end job that earns me less than 40k a year. I’m only 23 though, so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it. I am still considering going back to grad school next fall. If I can figure out how to realistically pay for it without either overworking myself or taking out more loans, I would already have applied, honestly.

Patrick wants to be a professor, like I said, and personally I’ve been warming up to the same idea. Having just graduated from college less than a year ago (December 2017), I know that sometimes people aren’t necessarily made to be teachers, but they teach anyway and they get away with it. I think that could be a very real possibility for me, mainly because although I’m socially awkward and not so confident, these are adults I’ll be teaching, and for the most part they’ll be engaged in the subject. It’s not like I’ll have to discipline too much, and I’ll be making 6 digits from the get-go. That would be ideal. Not saying it’ll be easy, though--supposedly these jobs are VERY tricky to get. You have to know the right people. Still, I’ll get there when I get there. There’s such an emphasis on getting life moving as soon as possible here in the U.S., but to be honest I prefer the lifestyle in Europe where everyone takes their time. I hear that people usually even take a year off from high school before going to college. If things were different, maybe I would have done that. 

I don’t know why I’m updating my blog when there’s nobody here to read it. I don’t think any of my followers are active/real at this point. That makes me feel better, though--talking to the void is sometimes nice because there’s less judgment. Only myself to judge, that is.

So I think that summarizes the way things are going now. Same, but different. I’m much more mentally stable but it really depends on the day. I just think depression is a chronic sickness that you have to keep fighting, a cancer that keeps coming back. Hopefully these Vitamin D supplements will help me fight it as the winter draws closer. The winter is always a bad time of year for me.

Right now I’m just trying to get more motivated. I have so much free time now that I don’t have homework and my work day is super boring. I should start writing again, but I am at a loss as to WHAT to write about. Everything requires extensive research, which is so damn tiring. It’s ironic because if I want to be a professor, I need to learn how to get back into research. I have so much time to get into good habits but I’ve felt so lazy. I’ve had this job since April but I’ve never felt less motivated and I’ve never felt more tired. I don’t know how to get that motivation back. Besides, I have had writer’s block for...7 years now? Almost a third of my whole damn life, I haven’t REALLY written, unless you count poetry. If I ever hope to become a professor (they apparently need to publish several works, research-related, throughout their career) I need to get on that and pad my portfolio with actual content. Not to get ahead of myself, but I could even consider submitting my work somewhere, provided it actually gets written to begin with. But first, I need an idea. 

Not much else to say, I guess. I’m done being an edgelord about Tumblr--I’ve accepted that I’ll always be a slave to this fucking website. I mean, I first got on about 8 or 9 years ago, and I’ve taken hiatuses, but I’ve always returned. I don’t know why. It seems like the general population has changed--there are a lot more LGBTQ mentally ill 16-year-olds than I remember (not even trying to be hateful, it’s true)--but maybe it was always that way and I was just part of it at the time. But I am back now, and I don’t care too much about what people have to say to me. Mainly because I don’t think they’ll take too much notice or say anything, anyways. It’s not like I’ve these crazy world views...I’m just calling things as I see them. I’m just here to reflect and recall my former life and try to be a better person.

I’m voting today. I don’t even know many of the representatives and I am planning to mostly vote for incumbents because they’re all democrats and I’m left-leaning. I’m just glad I’m doing my part and voting...it also feels good that I’ll have some input on our 3 questions this year, which are actually pretty important (Q3 in Massachusetts concerns the status of transgender individuals which is totally bizarre to me--I cannot believe we’re still arguing about human rights in 2018 in a liberal state). Anyway, so tonight I’m going to burn my entire evening waiting in line at the town hall but that’s okay with me. At least I’m participating.

Life keeps chugging onward--I’m just trying to stay on the train. 

anyway my new blog URL is iwouldloveagoodurl (clever, huh) and if you want to follow it you’ll need a password to read my “oh so secret” content (Lol) so yeah. if any of you care, which you probably don’t but if you do, just message me and i’ll give you the password to check it out. 

so yeaaa, this is goodbye i guess!

I haven’t written you a letter in almost two years. I don’t write letters unless I am angry, so I consider this an accomplishment. I suppose I’m breaking my own rule, then, because I’m not even angry right now--I just feel like I owe this to myself. I held so much pent-up anger towards you for such a long time. They always say that time heals everything. I don’t know who they are, but I can agree to an extent.

Truthfully I don’t think about you very much anymore. I deleted you on Facebook years ago and you never noticed (or if you did, you didn’t say a word). Recently, we became friends again, which I think is a big step towards forgetting this whole “burning bridges” thing ever happened. Or, more accurately, this means that our past doesn’t matter anymore. We’re adults now, and we’ve accepted that we’ll never be friends again. We’re acquaintances with a history, and nothing more. Maybe we’ll blindly support each other on Facebook but you’ll never catch us grabbing coffee. Social media is so strange--I have over 400 friends, but if you put me in a room with 85% of them, I would pretend we were strangers. It’s a false sense of security.

Anyway, in spite of everything, maybe I’m 95% over it, but there’s still 5% of me that has some feeling--I don’t know what--but some feeling, regardless. I catch myself refusing to like your posts still, although that might be because my philosophy has always been, “if they get over 100 likes on that photo, they’re not gonna notice or care that I was a part of it”. Maybe that makes me bitter, but I don’t care. I still get 30 likes or less on any given post I make, no matter how nice or beautiful I am. I will still never get as many likes as the bitchy girl from high school with her tits out. And no, Ashley, that isn’t you. (I’m trying to talk about anything else but you, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t like admitting to myself that after all this time, a tiny part of me still cares, so I’ll write about any subject if it means distracting myself about what’s really going on in my muck-filled brain).

Isn’t it hilarious that when I got a Facebook message from you a week or two ago, I got a tiny bitexcited about it? Part of me actually thought you cared about me and wanted to see how I was doing. But, no, of course not--it was just a spam link. (Stupidly, I clicked it--I really hope I’m not unknowingly spamming every one of my Facebook friends now.) I remember replying, “What is this?” And you go, “Spam!” That was it. I replied with something vague that could have kept the conversation going if you wanted it to, but of course you read it and didn’t reply. You’re too important for me--some things never change. For some reason, I feel like I was the first person to let you know that it was spam you sent to everyone. You immediately made a status apologizing and saying not to click anything. I should have known anything you’d ever write to me wouldn’t actually be from you.

It’s hard, letting go of things. For fuck’s sake, I’m still bitter about the time in 8th grade when Marco broke up with me so he could date Sam. Of course I wouldn’t be able to let go of your friendship, no matter how toxic it may have been. I talked to Pat not too long ago about how everyone gets one or two “true” best friends in their lifetime. For him, it was his friend Matt, whom he doesn’t speak to anymore after a falling out during his senior year of high school. In spite of the bitterness he misses Matt and wishes they were still friends. I could say the same about you. It’s probably more comfort than anything else. To be clear, I wish I were still friends with the person you were when we were kids, not the person you are now. To be honest, the person you are now is NOTHING like the person you were then. But I suppose you know that. In fact, I think that’s the whole point for you. You’re ashamed of who you were, although I have no idea why. I liked the old you so much better. At least we had things in common back then, like hating ourselves, for example.

Remember that time in band class during senior year of high school when you stumbled upon pictures on my phone of my self-harm? If we were friends at that point, we most definitely weren’t anymore by the end of that day. You never talked about it again. Who’s the asshole here? If we were still 12, you would have been there--that’s the difference between then and now. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Reggie Rappis heard and saw the whole thing that day, since he was sitting next to us with his baritone sax. Even he says happy birthday to me on Skype every year, and we were never friends.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. I guess because I re-read all the letters I wrote to you under Kyle’s instruction two years ago, and although my words were sharper then, I guess I still haven’t moved on. At least, not completely. I would love to know what goes on in your head. I don’t think anything is happening there between your fashion and your culture and your friends. Like Spongebob, it’s fine dining and breathing. You don’t have TIME for nostalgia, at least not unless it’s for all that fashion-related nonsense you were involved in in high school and your bitchy friends whom you somehow STILL like. I really don’t understand you. Fuck, I don’t even understand myself.

I’m still learning, all the time. I’m still so naive. But in a lot of ways, I’ve grown up, more than a girl of 21 should be grown up. I look forward to smoking weed on Saturday nights if not to relieve my constant anxiety for a few hours.

literally every year i’ve ever had a roommate, there have problems.

see:

freshman yr: lived with 5 girls in a suite at an overpriced private college in downtown boston and all five of them were elitist, rich, snobby, entitled, annoying, and sometimes just downright mean. (not to me, but to one of the other roommates, whom they all collectively bullied for no reason--and although i didn’t like that particular girl either, i’m on the best terms with her now out of the five of them because at least she wasn’t mean.) ALSO, it didn’t help that they ran completely opposite sleep schedules as me, so they would stay up all night every night when i was trying to sleep (and i don’t go to bed early by any means)...and the next day I would have to tiptoe around because they would sleep until 2 pm or later. i wish this was an exaggeration, but it isn’t. did they do much learning or go to class? that’s a no from me.

sophomore year 1st semester: actually, these girls were OK to live with at the time...but after I transferred colleges things got ugly (this overpriced private college in downtown boston was too much money for me even with a scholarship and student loans--i would have ended up with about 150k in debt if i’d continued going there). basically i transferred at semester at the very last second so the girls were salty because a random girl apparently took my place the next semester. we all thought they’d have an empty space because it was so last-minute but i forgot, this overpriced private school is ~sooo elite~ so everyone wants to go there and live on-campus so of course within a week after i left they had a stranger taking up that empty spot. it’s really not my fault but to this day those girls are bitter with me. not my fault i don’t want to go to your bullshit school anymore. i left my speakers in the suite last year and recently i texted one of the girls asking if i could have them back but she straight-up didn’t respond to me. so i guess i’m never getting those back, which is cool.

sophomore year 2nd semester: since i transferred so last-minute i was stuck with a random group of girls--go figure, in a suite again--and ironically, although i liked two of them, it was the girl whose room i was actually sharing that i didn’t like. apparently the three of them were all best friends and the fourth friend was studying abroad in paris, so i was taking that girl’s place while she was gone. it was very clear from the beginning that i was a replacement, and nothing more than that. none of them really made an attempt to even TRY to get to know me. like i said, two of them were nice enough, but we were never really friends. and my roommate, well...let’s just say that she had a tendency not to flush the toilet. she was pretty bitchy and standoffish towards me, probably because i was sleeping in her bestie’s bed and she was bitter because she wanted the room to herself and got stuck with a random. which i get, but don’t take it out on me. i don’t like the arrangement any more than you do--i wanted a single, for fuck’s sake. luckily she was out a lot of the time so i didn’t have to deal with her that much, but when i did have to, i was filled with dread. she just always gave me such an icky feeling, like i was unwanted. i was always under the impression she talked shit about me to people. i was never mean to her but i wasn’t the friendliest, either. i was only giving what i was receiving--you know how it is.

junior year: i’m now in a beautiful apartment and i have my own bedroom, which is awesome. i’m so fucking thankful. that being said, i still hate the roommates i have, save for one who is a good friend of mine, but of course he’s the only one who’s NEVER home. i’ve got the girl i share a bathroom with, who is very nice when you talk to her but she’s fake as fuck and her girlfriend is over practically every day. technically, the lease says you’re only allowed to have people overnight three times a week, and she definitely pushes that limit. my roommate is probably home about three days a week, and whenever she is there, her girlfriend is, too. my friends and i laugh about it because it’s pretty hilarious how they’re the second oldest in the house (23) and yet they can’t spend a second apart, like they’re fucking children and they can’t function on their own or something. whenever my roommate isn’t home, those other three or four days, she’s at her girlfriend’s house. they literally don’t spend a day apart...it’s actually fucking pathetic. i also don’t remember signing up for sharing a bathroom with THREE people. her girlfriend’s stuff is always taking up the counter space. i wouldn’t care that much except that her girlfriend is completely rude to me, my friend who i mentioned that’s never home, and my boyfriend, THE FUCKING LANDLORD’S SON. it’s laughable, actually. my actual roommate is sweet as pie but her girlfriend is quite literally her foil--won’t smile, and won’t even say hi to you if you say hi to her. the girl has a lot of nerve considering my boyfriend has the power to keep her from ever coming over again, but that’s none of my business, right? oh, yeah, and another fun thing is that their room has the fire escape door in it, and it’s only supposed to be used for emergencies but they constantly use it to sneak in and out of the house. it locks from the outside so i imagine they keep the door propped. isn’t it cool when people leave the door open so any stranger can just walk in? there’s a reason why i lock my bedroom door whenever i leave no. not having my stuff stolen just because my roommate leaves her door open so her booty call can come up whenever. they’re probably the most inconsiderate tenants that i live with. and technically, one of them isn’t a tenant, but she could fool anyone. it also doesn’t help that because this roommate is always gone, she uses it as an excuse to not do anything around the house. no toilet paper in the bathroom? business trip. oh, the floors haven’t been swept in a while? won’t be back for another week, sorry. she pretends she’s so busy and important when she’s still in an entry-level job. we don’t even know who she works for but she pretends it’s this elite company or something. she always says she's going on “business trips” and says she’ll be gone for a week, but then i catch her coming home a day later, dashing to her room to grab something, and dashing back out a minute later hoping nobody will notice. yeah, she’s got business trips, all right...lesbian business. which, ok, i’m bisexual myself--just don’t pretend you’re something you’re not. that is--don’t pretend you’re an adult with “business” to attend to when you’re really just at your girlfriend’s house, shooting the shit. don’t pretend you’re an adult when you’re an immature, irresponsible child whose immediate gratifications are more important than breaking the lease. and the whole time, of course, she pretends she’s the mature one in the house, acting like she’s got so much to do. one time she was keeping her bike inside the house when that’s against the lease and the landlord told her to move it outside. she didn’t listen and two weeks later, the landlord got stern with her--not even mean, stern--and she replied that she was busy and that she’d move it in a week when she got back from a “trip”. she got back and it was still there. the landlord got very aggressive this time, obviously, because she’s breaking the lease and he told her twice. and then after all that, she had the nerve to text him that she was “having a good time with my friends on a saturday night” and that “seeing a message like this really ruined my evening :/” as if he should be ashamed or feel guilty for spoiling HER night. as if she doesn’t regularly spoil everyone else’s nights with her girlfriend’s bitchy unwanted presence. yeah, ok. 

then there’s the spoiled rich girl i used to be friends with when i first moved in. she hung out with my friends and i, no problem, and suddenly she decided she didn’t like us anymore and began to just ignore us. she’s a fucking photography student--and nothing wrong with that, of course--but every weekend when we asked her to hang out, she’d say that she was way too busy with schoolwork. she would always claim she needed to “go home” (her parents’ house is about half an hour away from school and the apartment) on weekends to take pictures for homework assignments, but that never made much sense because if anything, she has way more potential for art projects here because we’re just outside downtown boston. her parents house is in the middle of fucking nowhere--i guess she just takes pictures of trees for all her assignments, right? nah. she goes home so she can spend time with her degenerate boyfriend who dropped out of community college TWICE--not because he couldn’t afford it or he wasn’t smart, but because he was too lazy to do the work and just didn’t want to go to class. he’s a manager at CVS, so he’s obviously very important and is only available on weekends. funny, now that he doesn’t go to school, half the time he’s just hanging out at the apartment in her room even when she’s not home, just twiddling his thumbs or whatever. she used to always say she hated his friends, and yet whenever she went home “to take pictures for her assignments” she would be posting snapchats and instagram posts with them. but yeah, she’s too busy for us. i never used to judge her for being a photography student, but now that she’s decided to be bitchy for no reason, i can’t help but laugh at how pathetic she is. the only reason she does it at all is because she’s got rich parents whose money she can fall back on if her career as an instagram photographer falls through. :) must be nice. but beyond that, she really just is kind of a shitty and cowardly person. she doesn’t confront anyone--she’s the type to just avoid people and hope that the problem resolves itself. i should have known from the beginning, really, because last year her friend wanted to rent the apartment with her but just randomly stopped replying to the landlord’s messages. couldn’t even be bothered to say “thanks, but no thanks”. later on when we confronted him, he claimed he was having problems with depression and anxiety. i would sympathize, but shit, i’ve gone through that too, and that’s no fucking excuse for ghosting on the fucking LANDLORD. it truly is childish, no matter the circumstances. it takes about five seconds to say “sorry but no thanks, i’m no longer interested”. seriously. if she’s friends with people like that, i should have known she was like that, too. guess we’re finding out the hard way. lately, her boyfriend has been coming over late at night, even during weeknights, and they stay up until 3 am smoking pot with her bedroom window cracked. i’m a smoker myself, but even i am not stupid enough to open windows with the heat on in the middle of winter. it can freeze the pipes, and it jacks up the heat bill--the past two months we’ve each had to pay about 40 bucks for heat when we were using the same amount of heat in october and paying 15 bucks each--and there’s five of us so you can imagine how big that heat bill is. i know it’s this girl who’s causing it to rise because we are at school or work half the time and aren't using the heat that much comparatively to other homes. this is also the same person who cranks the heat up at night, of all times, because little miss princess gets cold at night. makes no damn sense, because when you’re sleeping, you can’t TELL that’s it’s cold, especially when you’re buried under blankets. it’s funny that she can crank the heat up whenever, but refuses to buy a thick comforter. it’s not like she doesn’t have the money. she doesn’t care about the heat because she only has to pay 1/5 of the total, and the roommates cover the rest. why should the rest of us suffer? it means nothing to her anyway because mommy and daddy cover everything, including utilities, so it doesn’t matter to her that the heat bill is literally outrageous. oh, and i should mention that in the beginning of the year we assumed she would re-rent the apartment next year, and in november we asked her when she was re-signing only for her to basically say “oh, i’m not renting again next year, i want to live with my friends”. as if we weren't her REAL friends. who knows when we would have found that out if we hadn’t asked about it--i’ve never met someone as afraid of confrontation as her. she’s a silver spoon kid, so once again, i should have known that she wouldn’t bother to tell us she was leaving. she’s entitled to the point that she never considers anyone else’s feelings or situations. it’s me, me, me with her. in hindsight, thank fucking god she’s not re-signing, if not for the cheaper heat bill.

I realize this is getting hella long and bitchy and ranty and i don’t want my 10 porn bot followers to unfollow me so i’ll try to wrap it up.

the last roommate comparatively isn’t that bad--she’s just a walking paradox, a genius yet a complete idiot. she’s like some crazy chemistry major in grad school at a local university. she’s a TA, which is hilarious to me because when you see her, she doesn’t at all come off as authoritative. she’s petite and mousy-looking, completely innocent and soft-spoken. she’s 24 years old and she doesn’t drink, smoke, or party (which is cool), but she has no social life other than going to the lab to do research and going to bed at 9 pm on a saturday night. this is no exaggeration, either. on her 24th birthday, my friends and i brought up some cookies for her and knocked on her door at 9:45. she comes out in her pajamas looking completely exhausted and goes, “oh sorry, i was sleeping”. she takes the cookies without so much as a thank you and goes back to bed. the sad thing is, she’s bitchy but she doesn’t even intend to be--she’s just so socially awkward that she comes off that way. i don’t mean to be offensive, but i have a serious theory that she’s on the spectrum. she can function, and she’s very book-smart, but her people skills are lacking to the point that she reminds me of a high school friend who has asberger’s. if this girl has it, i wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. in the entire time i’ve known her i think she’s had a friend over one time, and that was because she was staying at that friend’s house over thanksgiving since it’s expensive to go back to nebraska or wherever the fuck her family is now. (they’re a military family so they move a lot.) one might feel bad for her--which i sometimes do--but then i remember that she can be legitimately bitchy sometimes. she’s also a complete slob. over the summer when she first moved in, i was staying at cape cod with my boyfriend, but we found out through my boyfriend’s dad (who works outside of boston for the fire department) that she didn’t know how to use the fucking garbage disposal. he also said that when he came up to the apartment to check on something (they remodelled and put in new floors over the summer) he saw that there were three giant bags of garbage in the kitchen that were just casually stacked up, and they reeked. apparently, this girl doesn’t understand the concept of taking out the trash. additionally, that same summer, she texted the landlord asking for toilet paper and then for a lightbulb, thinking an apartment was like a hotel where they provide everything. she really has no idea how the real world works to the point that it seems like a joke, but it really fucking isn’t. although admittedly she’s gotten slightly better, she’s still a complete pig. she knows it, too, but at the very least she’s smart enough to claim that she’s “always busy” with her work so that she has an excuse to be lazy and not clean up after herself. if she has enough spare time to be home at 6 sharp every night to make dinner and go to bed at 9 pm, she has five minutes to wipe down the kitchen table when she leaves crumbs behind. she still doesn’t understand the concept of cleaning up after herself after we’ve reminded her countless times. it’s a lost cause, really. in january one of the roommates and i decided to make a chore chart because it’s very clear that only a couple of us do any work around the house. we texted a picture of it in the group chat and this roommate had the gall to say “ok, but someone needs to remind me when it’s my turn to do something”. Like ?????? you're 24 years old, you’re a grown woman and we shouldn’t have to baby you???? put it in your calendar or something like the rest of us????? we shouldn’t be responsible for you?????? things like that just make me really, really glad we’re kicking her out next year. yes, kicking. like i said, she is socially inept to the extreme. in spite of none of us talking to her or giving her the time of day, she thinks we’re all friends and that we like her. she assumed she would be re-signing the lease next year. of fucking course, she looooooves the apartment. she even said that she’d be “less of a bother” next year because she will be “even busier”. she doesn’t realize that that’s the exact opposite of what any of us want. translated, her statement means that she will be going to bed even earlier, being even more of a hermit whom we must tiptoe around, and she will be even more of a slob because she will be “too busy” (lazy) to clean. besides, my boyfriend, my other friend and i have been HOPING so BADLY to make friends with at least one of the other roommates. it sucks living with people and not being friends--it makes for awkward interactions. we WERE friends with the spoiled girl, which made it so much better living with her. until she decided to leave us for a couple of her dumpy art school friends, where she’ll probably be living in a slummy apartment in a crappy boston neighborhood. hope the rats and the mold are worth saving $200 on rent and having “real” friends to live with. really, knowing how spoiled she is, i can’t WAIT to see how long she’ll last before she comes crawling back to us.

ANYWAY.

so i think i’ve aired my dirty laundry, for now. i needed to rant about these people for a while. i bitch to my boyfriend sometimes about it but he gets mad at me and says i’m too negative, too cynical, that i need to just let it go. that the little things just don’t matter. well, they matter to me, because those little things add up until i explode and someone gets upset with me. i don’t like to upset people, even if i really don’t like them. i think even people I hate have feelings and just because i hate them, doesn’t mean other people don’t like them. you know? but anyway, ranting is how i relieve that tension, how i am able to keep from self-destructing. i think from now on i need to just start writing to relieve my anger because i’m sick of my boyfriend getting mad at me for venting.

i think i’ll start a private blog on here, the kind where you need a password to get in. i’ve tried other private online writing platforms but it’s just not the same. lately i’ve been seriously hating tumblr, because it has such a shitty rep, but i love the layout, i’ll admit it. so i think that’s what i’ll do.

i started this post with a completely different idea of what i wanted to write about than what i actually did write about--but i guess that’s what writing is about, right? finding your voice and all that? whatever. this isn’t even writing, really--it’s just ranting. all i ever do on this blog now is rant. i feel sorry for the, like, 2 followers i have that are real. they probably think the worst of me because all i do is post shit like this, LOL. it’s funny because if they saw me in person i’d be the last person they’d suspect of being this bitter and angry. oh well? i don’t care anymore. i don’t have the muscle mass in my hand to hand-write all of this in a journal. besides, there’s something infinitely more satisfying from typing it all knowing it’s stream-of-consciousness because i can type as fast as i think (thank you, transcription job, for allowing my typing speed to get up to 100 wpm)

...i think that’s all i want to write about on this post, for now. i’m considering making a private blog; if i do decide to go that route, i’ll probably make one more post just as a sort of good-bye, i guess, not that anyone will really notice or care. but yeah. and if i do go that route, i’ll invite whoever reads my posts and tolerates me to have my password so they can keep reading, if they want. but i doubt that will happen. 

see y’all never