esprit assombri

it’s been a really long time since i’ve posted or even looked at tumblr but i’m writing here because i need to write somewhere and twitter only allows 140 characters. I haven’t written a post since 2014. and i guess a lot has changed...? who knows. this post is about to be a mess. okay. well, most recently, i broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. he was great to me but it wasn’t 100% there. i don’t know how i feel about it all yet. i feel like i’m in a cloud again, i can't stop feeling sad. I’ve been on antidepressants for a while for anxiety/depression but idk if they actually do that much. i’m starting to think more and more readily that i’m just going to be numb like this forever. it’s a weird feeling because everything around you is going and i just feel like i need to curl up in a ball and go to sleep for 14 hours but every time i lay down my head spins and my thoughts keep me awake. i miss his company, but i don’t think that i actually miss him, i miss the idea of him. I feel fatter than i ever have, my body pretty much disgusts me so i try not to look in the mirror too much. i’ve stopped trying to look nice a while ago, its too much effort. when i was breaking up with my bf he told me that i seemed different and distant lately and i knew that he was right, but i don’t know how to fix it. i don’t know how to address it. a part of me wants to see a therapist again but the other part of me knows that i’ve been there and done that and i’m intuitive and they don’t usually tell me anything that i don’t already know.