Actually Bpd

If you blurt out something that you thought would be funny but it comes across as insensitive, just quickly say, “I’m sorry, that was rude, what I meant was…”

If you say something in anger or frustration, take a breath and say, “I’m sorry, that was hurtful, let me rephrase…”

If you say something heartfelt, but it comes across as insincere or ironic, say “That sounds like I’m just saying it, but I’m being truly honest…”

If you accidentally tell the waiter “enjoy your meal” just laugh and say a quick “so sorry, my brain isn’t working today!” and you will most likely get a commiserating chuckle in return.

Most of the time, the other person will accept your apology with no harm done. Sometimes they even insist they understood what you meant the first time and clarification was not needed. At times, maybe they have a right to be upset, but it never hurts to apologize again so they know that you’re taking their feelings into account.

It might be you feeling tired, drained or just not social. But it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring about your loved ones.

Well, that happens to your loved ones too. Sometimes they aren’t up to talking but still love you.

It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.

Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.

1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.

2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?

3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?

4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”

5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.

A lot of people expect prompt responses with technology nowadays and that’s not realistic or fair. People are allowed to take time for themselves and not answer messages right away.

That sounds really scary. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how scared I'd be if it was me.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to open up about it, and I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me

You can tell me more about it if you want to. I promise not to judge you, invalidate you or panic

Not when you’ve healed. Not even when you started your healing journey. You don’t need to be in a certain place on your healing journey.

But there’s a difference between proper communication and well… not proper communication.

There’s a difference between saying:

“I’m feeling insecure because my brain is being rude. It’s not your fault, but could you please give me some reassurance?”

And

“I’m so worthless. No one cares about me. Why do I even try?”

If you want someone to be there for you, please ask them. Don’t hint at it. Don’t guilt at it. I know asking directly can be scary but it is usually so much less draining for both of you than having to play a guessing game. The latter example is not proper communication. You may think the message is clear, but other people’s minds don’t work the same as yours. With that said, maybe the message is clear but the person feels really drained by the way you’re going about it and won’t engage because of that. And that’s super valid. 

These are common errors in thinking. And sometimes these distortions can cause us distress or other strong emotions.

Black and White Thinking: This is all or nothing thinking. For example, if you see yourself as failing at one thing, you think it makes you a failure at everything. "I didn't pass my driver's test. I can't ever do anything right."

Overgeneralization: This is where if one thing happens that is bad, you assume all things will be bad. For example, "I woke up late this morning. This day is doomed to be terrible."

Ignoring the Positive: You disqualify any positive and focus on the negative. Maybe you got an A on a test, but are disregarding that because you messed up somewhere else.

Jumping to Conclusions: You ignore facts in favour of your own interpretations. You may assume your friend hates you despite them inviting you to the movies the day before because they gave you a short response.

Mind Reading: This is making a conclusion about how someone else is feeling. "My friend hates me. I can tell."

Possibilities to Cope with Irrational Thoughts / Cognitive Distortions

Check the Facts: Here’s a post I wrote on this.

Challenging Irrational Thoughts: Here’s a post I wrote about this.

Examine the Evidence: Here’s a post on this.

You’ll likely find that most of these possibilities are very similar. One of the more common ways to deal with thoughts like the above is to use evidence and logic because it gives our brain something solid to use. Just telling ourselves that our thoughts aren’t real isn’t often helpful enough whereas evidence can help make it more convincing.

I’m going to include a couple other links I think may be helpful:

Emotional Permanence: Here’s a post on it. This one I think is important to understand because if we lack emotional permanence then it makes it that much easier to forget about anything other than the feelings in the current moment which make reinforce any negative thoughts.

Needing Reassurance: Sometimes our distorted thoughts lead us to second guessing our loved ones. Here’s a post about that, how to cope with it, and how to get reassurance in a healthy way if needed.

Some General Tips:

Learn about the different types of irrational thinking and cognitive distortions. (I don’t have them all listed). Being able to recognize them can be helpful itself. I find when I’m able to realize it’s a cognitive distortion, I’m able to move beyond it easier.

Keep a list of our accomplishments that you add to. This can be helpful in times we need reminders if we often have thoughts about us being a failure anytime we make a mistake.

Keep screenshots of loved ones and/or lists of things they’ve done that make you feel cared for. This can be helpful if we often have doubting thoughts about loved ones as a result of our cognitive distortions.

Think about what you’d tell a friend. If a friend failed a test, would I think they were a failure?

Sit with the discomfort. Sometimes, we know a thought is irrational and all we can do is get through it. Telling myself “it’s an irrational thought. I can sit with it. I don’t need to act on it” can be helpful. Acting on my feelings to irrational thoughts often damages my relationships or has other negative effects. But as uncomfortable as the thoughts are, learning to just sit with them instead of acting on them prevents some negative consequences.

Journaling. You can journal about your thoughts and feelings for a set amount of time a day and then mark the irrational thoughts. This can help us learn to recognize them when we’re having them.

If you can solve the problem, solve it!

Remember that distracting and self-soothing skills aren’t going to make the problem go away; if you’re getting through the crisis without making it worse, you’re acting skillfully!

Be sure to make a list of your distracting and self-soothing skills, and use it. When you’re acting from your emotional self, it’s hard to think about how to get yourself through the situation.

Keep your list of skills handy, because you never know when you’re going to need it; also, make the list as long as you possibly can in order to offer more options.

When thinking of ways to distract yourself, think of activities that will be at least somewhat enjoyable for you. And remember, the point is to distract your attention from the crisis, so if the activity you’re doing isn’t distracting you, try something else.

Remember that the way not to think about something isn’t to try not to think about it. When you notice distressing thoughts creeping into your mind, just acknowledge them and distract yourself with an activity; the thoughts will go away on their own.

Although more difficult to practice when your emotions are intense, mindfulness can be helpful in getting you through a crisis. Don’t throw it out just because it’s hard!

Self-soothing not only helps during a crisis situation but is also good self-care that will help to prevent crises from arising. The better care you take of yourself, the better you’ll be able to manage your emotions, so that even when difficult situations arise, you’ll be more capable of handling them.

Before your next crisis, make a list of the reasons you don’t want to engage in your old problem behaviors; that way, when the crisis hits, you can pull out your list and read it to yourself to help you not to act on your urge.

Remember that the skills for distracting yourself in a crisis are meant for temporary use only; if you’re using them regularly, you’re no longer distracting yourself in a crisis but practicing avoidance!