erin

my mom is so great at mothering nowadays. my partner is nothing but supportive and kind. my cats, as usual, are crazy but they cuddle up with me when i'm about to cry. everything is falling in place but here i am about to fall apart.

i took a long walk this morning in an attempt to sweat out the anxiety. it worked but it wasn't a magical solution that made all my worries go away. i'm still very much afraid of not doing enough. i can't sleep as well as i used to despite the meds. i get jolted awake by shit i think i have to do. have you printed this out? where's your wallet? did you close the window? did you say good night to the cats because you know they're going to flip out if you didn't. what time is it? you're supposed to be asleep by 9 pm yet here you are.

you’re okay. you’re doing your best. you can do it. your heart is in it. all of it.

i’ve finally let go of last year’s Bar exams. i went through my friends’ instagram feeds to see how they’ve been since i deactivated all my social media (except tumblr ofc) after results came out. i am finally in a place where i’ve accepted my decision to let go of my chance last year for better reasons than to tough it out and hope for the best. i am genuinely happy for them. more than anything, i’m very proud of them.

update on the climb (pun intended): first pic is me reaching the top but screaming at my friend to get me down. second pic is me struggling with the automatic belay system. lol. i have sore biceps and upper back today but i can still move. seriously contemplating on going back tomorrow again.

i went to a starbucks again to finish the rest of my book and it took me three hours to finish 20 pages. it used to take me an hour or less but it’s been weeks since i last did that. at least, despite all the forces within, i got through it.

i’ve decided to give myself this weekend to reset. i heard Dr. Andrew Huberman say (or my interpretation of what he said) to do something scarier than what you need to do. it has something to do with dopamine but as i altered my college trajectory, my psych degree is a bit dusty so i’m not sure if that’s accurate. but i’ll be going wall climbing with a friend of mine tomorrow who’s also taking the Bar so i just hope and pray that the fear of falling off of the top of the wall heals me.

don't beat yourself too much. it's okay. you'll figure it out in time. :))

i'm rooting for you.

everything else in my life is going well. my relationship is godsent, my mom tries her best to be supportive and not to add pressure to the weight that’s obviously on my shoulders, my friends are all rooting for me and can’t wait for me to sign the roll. which is why it’s harder to feel and be this way. it’s so hard to be the only thing in your life that doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to fall apart when everything else is intact.

ha. maybe that’s the problem. i’ve always thought i was in touch with my feelings. but apparently i’m not. i may or may not have guilted myself out of feeling my emotions. what i’m doing is not easy. it’s so fucking hard to study for more than 8 hours a day only to get stuck on a topic you don’t remember understanding back in law school. it’s so scary to feel the dream almost brushing your fingertips while knowing it’s you who could do the final pull. what if i don’t get there? what if i’m really just full of shit? what if i let everyone down? what if the people who told me i wouldn’t amount to anything are right?

i’m fighting all these what ifs with lighter what ifs but sometimes it’s just too hard.

if there was anyone to ever get through this life with their hearts still intact, they didn’t do it right.

my life was a storm since i was born. how could i fear a hurricane?

don’t you ever tame your demon but always keep ‘em on a leash.