Abiding in Love

I remember wanting a friend. I remember late at night wishing I had strong arms to hold me. I remember writing him, not knowing who he was, or where- just because I wished I could talk to him. I remember longing for more. I remember feeling ready. But all those prayers never fell on deaf ears, and while I wanted to be impatient, I gave up all these things to Him. I spent some nights in tears, crying out, hoping He hadn’t forgotten me- but I let Him lead me to what He had in store. I had no idea it would unfold so wonderfully.

Sometimes, that desire for a companion can well up so intensely you almost feel miserable. It’s okay to desire something good so deeply. I did. Over and over, I had to turn that desire over to God and entrust Him with it. If you are single, please- do not despise your singleness. I know if you have the desire for more, it can be hard- but listen, singleness is such a special time.

Take it from a young woman who spent 25 years single, had one break-up, and married her best friend less than a month ago. I love being married; but coming back to where I spent most of my time single, I was reminded of the sweetness of that time. I wish I could speak to the girl I was and reassure her how beautifully God had everything planned out. But then, I realize- isn’t that what He whispered in those moments to me?

Yesterday, I took the familiar wide open road to visit the home I grew up in. My parents weren’t home, so I cleared the table and took my favorite spot in the kitchen. I spent so many mornings there –every morning there- with God, studying the Bible, alone with Him. Feelings rushed to me being there again.

Not very long ago, this was my home.

I sat at this very table and spent time with You.

My Bible open, right along with my heart, You were my Best Friend.

Many times, my only friend.

You never abandoned me.

You always understood me.

You loved me and I loved you, deeply, fully, without reservation.

I remember one January spending hours every day, that entire month, just feasting on learning from You. I was learning a lot about being a godly woman, about godly relationships- I felt challenged. I was so hungry for more. There was nothing I was holding back, no area I didn’t open up to you. I grew so much. Truth was pouring into me and saturating my life.

I’m still close to You.

But a lot happened between that time, those moments with You, and today.

 I’m married, I have a new home, another Best Friend, it’s not only me and You now.

Yet I’m back at this table, wanting that same friendship as fiercely as before.

Not because I’ve lost it.

But because the I miss the girl I was in those days.

Perhaps it was the innocence between the hurt. Before I experienced the pain of trusting my heart to someone else. 

Before any man had touched my heart or soul- when I was only Yours.

Not because Kyle doesn’t love me well, but because no man has ever loved me as perfectly as You-

And no man can love without it being broken.

I miss the safety of being single, the purity of keeping myself only for God, the sacredness of You knowing me best.

Yet how You’ve revealed Your love for me through giving me such a gift in Kyle. Yet how You taught me about Your truth and nature and heart for me through the times I was met with the opposite. How clear it is to me what Your love looks like. Through heartbreak I learned better ways. My eyes were opened to my own depravity, my need for grace, the depth of it You extend to me, and the forgiveness that doesn’t play favorites. If I hadn’t been through a breakup, I wouldn’t have grown in ways I needed. The brokenness was used to make me whole. 

You used it all for good. 

But here I am, having all I could dream, and wanting still-

Because still, my heart yearns for You.

Nothing and no one, still, ever compares to You.

You don’t get married and everything is good now- because we were created for more than another human heart can satisfy. We were created for an infinite God with infinite love for us!

If you think, being single, dating, or engaged that all your issues will just go away if you were just married already- know that the main purpose of marriage is to sanctify you.

Exactly the same thing God is doing when you are single. 

There is nothing to covet in being married as opposed to being single. Be content where God has you! It is good. It is meant to be enjoyed. Find your joy there, in Christ. Because if you can’t find your joy in Christ while being single, let me just confirm it will just as difficult when you are married. Let Him be your source of joy. Don’t make a relationship your goal. Make your heart resting in Him, closeness with Him, your desire.

Everything is good for our growth in God’s perfect timing. The wrong timing brings a different kind of growing- one that’s painful. Don’t seek something for the pleasure. Every other pleasure will fade away and not fully satisfy if you idolize it, no matter how desirable it may seem. There is no pleasure greater than knowing God. The safety of singleness or marriage, they’re both good. The delicate balance of what you pursue between is the hardest. In marriage, there is only a new level of relationship shared, one where the bond is greater. Because you are not just one, you are one with someone else. It’s not one plus one plus God equals three. It’s one plus one equals one plus God equals one. You all are striving for one. There’s nothing like that, relationally, until marriage. That’s the main difference between being single and being married and your relationship with God.

I love my husband. I love being married! I love loving God with my husband. I love being one with him, and seeking to have one heart with God together. There is so much beauty in growing together. There’s probably nothing more awesome than when you feel one. One mind, one spirit, one heart, one desire, one purpose, one physically. When you marry, you both are two different people and it takes work to become one- it’s not automatic. “One” doesn’t mean the same person, it more means in agreement, not separate or divided. I’m not going to be Kyle, he is his unique self. He is not going to be me, either- he can’t. But together, we balance and complement each other in a way that were one is weak, the other’s strength plays in. This is how we serve each other. This is how we work as one together. And it’s a beautiful picture of how God sustains both of us in loving each other- where we are weak, He is strong.

You don’t want to desire the right thing at the wrong time. You don’t want to be distracted with the wrong thing in the right time. You want to trust God’s timing and seek Him every step of the way. If you are demanding Him to bring what you want to you, chances are you not being patient with His timing. I know it’s hard, it was hard for me. Still, you can trust Him. If you have given up, chances are you are doubting His ability to fulfill that desire. Have hope. Leave that hope in His capable hands. He can do way better than your plans for yourself. I promise.

I’ve forgiven and healed from the times I’ve gotten hurt. I’ve learned from the times I suffered. The best advice I can pass on is always turn toward God. Never stop. If you have to, run to Him. He’ll catch you. He’ll embrace you. He’ll comfort you. If you need anything, Jesus is the one you need to look to. He always loves you, He cares for you, He’s going to be there. Also: never, ever believe the lies that come to you when you’re weak. Tell them to shut up, and shut them down immediately. Don’t even ponder them, don’t give them room. Reject them. Speak the truth instead. Repeat it and stand firm on it. Lies will destroy you from the inside out and mess with your perception. Don’t even let them in.

Marriage is vulnerability. Marriage is not stapled by being alone or keeping your heart hidden. It’s laid bare, swung wide open- and you not only entrust it to God, but also to the care of your spouse. That’s a wild adventure!