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GLOW Party: Raging success, or total Dean-saster?

This past week saw the biggest, showiest party this year has seen so far - one anonymous attendee even suggested it was ‘reminiscent of those ragers people go to in the movies, you know, where they all get drunk and play beer pong.’ The party was nicknamed ‘GLOW Party’ in honour of the glowing cat owned by Troy Barnes and who is suggested to have been at the centre of the party’s inception. While it’s undeniable that this party was no disappointment in the wow factor, many will agree that the night became sour only a few drinks in.

The party invites were reported to have been sent out via a Tumblr post of student ‘Rayla Leone’ and by widespread messaging, word of mouth and Greendale’s official announcement Tumblr page, run by the Dean.

By the time day school was out only a few short hours later, the entire body was buzzing with the news, with the exception of the majority of the staff who remained uninvited and are still said to be ‘pretty darn pissed’ about the affair. 

A member of staff who asked to remain anonymous commented; ‘It’s just rude. That study group and all their little friends just pick and choose who they like. Always running the school! Even the pets were invited. Huh. And what if I wanted to see a glowing cat?”

When asked to elaborate on the grievance with said study group, the member of staff refused to comment further and terminated the interview.

According to varied sources, there were few discrepancies when the evening’s ‘rager’ began in the apartment of student ‘Rayla Leone’. In fact, our sources went as far as commenting how seriously fun’ it turned out to be and how they had  ‘needed the night off from mid-terms.’

The sources claimed there were drinking games, uno, spin the bottle, snooker, foosball and even a heated game of twister before the event turned bleak. 

We know that there was originally a small amount of cheap alcohol on scene, but some basic information such as the strengths and quantities remain unknown. However, Tumblr posts claim that student ‘Britta Perry’, belonging to the aforementioned study group, was known to have brought in a good amount of ‘blue raspberry svedka’ which has been blamed for the extreme hangovers and blackouts party-goers experienced the next day. 

There is also a strong likelihood that the party was mass-roofied, not unlike Greendale’s own Halloween party late last year, the events of which are still unknown despite intensive investigation and the shared experience of bite mark scars. 

Many rumours are known to have arisen of a personal nature to many students and staff and yet the largest event of the night in question is a recent development in the ‘Evil Timeline Debacle.’ Troy Barnes’ glowing cat, named ‘Lightbulb’, the centre of the party, was reported missing the following morning. Not many had yet shaken off their hangovers and as such no action was taken until the later hours of the day. 

The evil timeline members are said to have infiltrated the party and stolen Barnes’ ‘alien’ cat in exchange for a ransom of $1,000 and invitations to the upcoming Barnes-Nadir wedding. This wedding is allegedly platonic though evidence of this is still unclear. 

The evil members were also suggested to have roofied the party in order to get away with their act.

Jeff Winger, student of law and close friend of Troy Barnes, was called upon to pay the ransom. Following his agreement the cat was returned safely to Barnes that afternoon. 

In respect to the likely trauma induced by the sudden event, the Gazette Journal Mirror did not question Barnes on his experience. 

Images were posted of the event but other than mere speculation no further rumour or scandal can be confirmed or denied at this current time.

Elixirs, Potions and Me - Leonard Rodriguez rumored to be in a cult for immortality.

Leonard Rodriguez (né Briggs, he changed his last name to garner the Hispanic vote during his campaign for Student Body President) has reportedly been endeavouring to attain immortality.

The evidence is finite, and his methods are unclear, yet it nevertheless remains apparent that there is certainly something occurring behind the scenes. 

On his ask-blog, @leonardlikesthissite, Rodriguez often posts his Saturday events under the tag ‘Saturdays with Leonard.’ 

On a typical weekend, this includes activities such as swimming, clubbing, or jigsaws, (we particularly enjoyed this pizza review.) Once, he even posted about the political debate with his opponent and fellow student, ‘Magnitude.’

On this particular weekend however, Rodriguez alarmed many of his fellows and friends by posting ‘This Saturday Leonard is doing a ritual that may or may not lead to immortality!’ under his usual tag. When asked by another student ‘how’, Rodriguez denied details. 

He did however hint that Greendale’s AC repair school had something to do with the ‘ritual.’ 

Here at the Gazette Journal Mirror, we cordially wish Leonard the best of luck with his ambitions. May our school's longest-attending student, in his own words, ‘Live, laugh love,’ for his new eternity. 

An all-new update on the Winger-Perry wedding! 

According to the official Greendale announcements page, run by Dean Pelton, the Winger-Perry wedding will take place in Greendale itself. This has been a source of great excitement for many of their friends and indeed those at the school, too. 

Dean Pelton instructed that a repost of this statement would secure an invitation to the wedding. 

There have been a few comments here and there about the current attendees and who is in the wedding party. This remains limited so we must stress that no invitations can be guaranteed in the reposting of the wedding announcement. 

Further conversation about the upcoming nuptial of Winger-Perry has been unreported. 

Exclusive interview with Shirley Bennett!

Interviewer: Hello there! 

Bennett: Helloooo! So nice to be doing this todayy! And so exciting that the paper is making it to the interweb blogs, hehe!

Interviewer: Nice to have you. I agree, it is exciting. We’re all buzzing to go for the first release! Now, let’s talk weddings. Can you confirm that it was indeed you who incited the engagement in the first place?

Bennett: Oh yes! Of course I can, it was simply my duty to my Lord above and my friends, too. I didn’t want them to get sent to the burning place way down below all because they didn’t say a few little vows! Vows before God that is.

Interviewer: I see. And what does this union mean to you in terms of friendship?

Bennett: Well, from the start of being at Greendale I always used to say to Jeffery that two white people as cute and single as them should be together. I’m not saying I…stirrredd the pot…but I’ll say that maybe if I hadn’t said some things to Jeffery about Britta they might not even be together!

Interviewer: Would you share those details with us?

Bennett: OOooooh noooo! Heehe! It’s too personal, I can’t do that, it would be unholy. And unfriendly!

Interview: Well then, that wraps things up. Thanks for coming to our interview, Shirley!

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