𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑚𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑖𝑡

              “ you think okay,  I get it,  I'm prepared for the worst,  but you hold out that                   small hope,  see,  and that's what fucks you up.  that's what kills you. ”

( kathryn newton, nineteen, genderqueer ) hey, was that KATHERINE ‘KITTY’ ABBOTT passing by? so much has happened recently; I haven’t seen the PUREBLOOD in forever, but I’d recognize HER anywhere. rumor has it the SECOND year is studying to be a HEALER. they always reminded me of SOFT CURRENTS by ALEXANDRA SAVIOR. I’ve also heard they’ve been recruited by THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. but despite all that I think they’re still EMPATHETIC, FLEXIBLE & EARNEST and FLIGHTY, DESTRUCTIVE & CHANGEABLE. and the HUFFLEPUFF alum still reminds me of always scalding your tongue, on either bitten-back words or tea you don’t let cool; a smear of lipstick, wiped off on the back of your hand (don’t you know you’re not that kind of girl?); the buzz of celebratory drinks when no one around feels much like celebrating; windswept blonde locks escaping from your braid; an unshakable feeling that you’re always doing something wrong; layering up on hand-me-down clothes, as if they offer any protection at all. well, then, I guess some things never change.   ( zoe, 23, cst, she/her )  

CONTENT WARNINGS:   death of a close family member, mourning, drug & alcohol use ADDITIONAL MATERIALS:   kitty’s playlist,  stats page,  &  pinterest board  

a big part of what kitty liked about her job was that it seemed like none of the other students really seemed to frequent the fountain;  not like the leaky,  or the three broomsticks.   maybe closer towards exams when people got desperate   …   but kitty was usually desperate around then,  too.   enough that she futzed her scheduling around enough to only get,  like,  weirdly early shifts.  where the only patrons she had to serve were old regulars who liked to chat about what her great uncle matty was up to these days.   

              today hadn’t been a weirdly early shift,  but she was done before ten pm;   a win.   kitty took ‘em where they came.   she shoved her apron down into the bottomless pit of her bag and slung it over her shoulder,  ready to rush out the door and into the night.    then she crashed into someone at the door,  and figured she could never be so lucky.   

                          “ fuck! “   kitty said,  then slapped both hands over her mouth.   no one’d get on her case about it.  still felt weird to yell fuck in your place of employment when you weren’t even on the clock.   she turned a wide eyed look towards the person she’d banged into,  said,   “ shit.  uh   —   I mean,  sorry.  shit.  my bad. “ 

         " oh boy.   never,  if I can help it.   

                  I lost a brother while I was,  like,  inactive.   he’s gone.  jacob’s gone,  and I didn’t do anything to get him that way.   my actions can hardly make anything worse happen. 

right? “ 

    "  don’t tell anyone,  but I feel guilty about,  uh,  every pleasure,   man.                   and I’m,  like   …   a slutty bartender who sells weed and on the side and only ever crams for papers.   I’m just guilty all the time.   

so none of my pleasures are guilty pleasures?   because they all are?   it’s like how fish can’t be wet because,  uh,  y’know.  they’re already in the water. “ 

the sound of MUSIC, of people TALKING, of chairs and feet against floorboards and the clinking of glasses are all just this side of overwhelming. andromeda has a glass of her own in hand even as she steps outside the bustle of the three broomsticks to get a breath of air that isn’t scented with alcohol and filled with chatter. she leans against the side of the building just a few steps from the door and lets out a long and silent breath. there is something MORBID about the whole night in her opinion, but perhaps that is nothing more than memories of somber evenings dressed in black with a stiff spine and stiffer upper lip. glass of brandy is raised to her lips and she peers upward towards the stars in the dark sky before attention is drawn by the sound of the door swinging open once again.

she clears her throat to alert the other that she is there before speaking, not wanting to startle. “it is awfully loud in there ; i dread to think of how many students will be hungover come their first class tomorrow.”

             the second kitty heard someone’s throat clear,   she tucked her joint and lighter back into the front pocket of her overalls,   easy as you please.    probably for the best that the attempt at a smoke was foiled before it got off the ground;   she’d already started drinking tonight.   if she smoked,  too,  she’d probably end up like one of the few sad sacks inside the three broomsticks,   bawling loud enough that they’d turned up the radio blasting some muggle station.   no thanks.                       she shuffled further out anyway.   it’d be weird and,  like,  suspicious if this person heard the door open,  started talking to her,   just for kitty to turn tail and abandon them.   

kitty wove her way through the crowds at the three broomsticks.   not that she,  like,  wanted to admit it out loud here,  but she’d never taken any of professor cornfoot’s classes.   she wasn’t a huge reader,  and it wasn’t like anyone was forcing the hands of a healing student to take muggle literature.   still.   his death struck her.  or,  well,  more accurately   —   this memorial struck her,  this bruise - feeling ache straight down to her bones,  where she still missed jacob.      he’d deserved something like this;   vibrant and full of life as much as melancholy,  people honoring his life as he’d lived it.   those people being,  like,  like - minded.   the sort who’d actually mourn for the person he was,  and not the person people were saying he was.   

she probably shouldn’t drink,  here & now,  but she flagged down the bartender anyway.   of course,  she was one of many waiting at the bar,  so kitty settled into the wait.   turned to the person next to her,  hoping small talk could distract from her months - old grief.   “ pretty good turnout,  huh? “   she said,   cocking her head.   “ considering this is all pretty,  uh,  last minute. “

      kitty  abbott   .   twice  in  one  week    .   still  ridiculously  cute   .   he  paused   ,   almost  forgetting  to  respond  as  he  was  busy  comparing  her  to  the  kitty  he  remembered  from  hogwarts   .   refusing  to  go  to  university  meant  he  lost  touch  with  a  lot  of  his  old  classmates   .   she  was  no  different     .    he  was  in  his  own  head  at  the  memorial   ,   focused  on  dealing  with  the  severe  emotions  that  accompanied  death  .   but  there   ?   he  could  breathe   .   he  could  compare   .    “   yeah   ,   i  once  lost  an  earing   …   and  that  shit  was  shoved  right  in  my  skin   .   ”   he  immediately  shut  his  mouth   ,   adopting  a  blank  expression  as  he  looked  at  the  ground   .   fuck   .   

        “   oi  !  i  look  like  your  nan    ,    little  girl  ?   ”

        “    wow   .   you  said  that  right  in  front  of  him   .    ”    he  clicked  his  tongue  to  the  roof  of  his  mouth  to  display  disappointment   ,   eyes  wide  as  he  shook  his  head  .    though  after  milton  grunted  and  crossed  his  arms  in  offense   ,   caradoc  offered  the  blonde  a  wink   .   “   milton   ,   give  us  a  sec   .   ”   he  repeated   ,   this  time  slower  so  the  message  sunk  in   .   offering  a  hesitant  nod  and  a  glare  at  the  girl   ,   the  older  man  walked  off   .

        “   we  don’t  expect  you  to  know  anything   .   this  is  just  standard  procedure   .   we  HAVE  to  ask  you  and  everyone  else  who  was  present  what  they  remember   .    so  ,   don’t  worry   .    you’re  not  in  trouble    .   and  if  you  can’t  remember  anything  else   ?   that’s  alright   .   but  if  you  do   …    ”   pulling  a  card  out  of  his  pocket  ,   he  handed  it  to  her  .   “  you  can  send  an  owl  here  .   ”

        kitty felt a hot flash of anger zip its way up her spine;   though she   ( rather valiantly,  if anyone cared to ask her opinion )   took pains not to direct that at the auror still standing in front of her,  wink be damned.   this was why she didn’t like dealing with aurors.   like,  kitty could admit that she had a general wariness around authority figures in general   —   her dad said it was practically an abbott family trait.                            but she’d just been set up by this guy,   and now he was being all    …               whatever,   with the winking,  and the business card.   

kitty took it,  of course;   not taking it would be rude.   she just slipped it immediately into the black hole of a bag hanging off her shoulder.   “ it’s good to set your expectations low, “   she agreed.   “ I generally don’t know much about anything,  so,  maybe you all should re-examine your standard procedures? “  

         “  excuse  me   !   hi   …   sorry  ,   sorry   ,   i  eh            think  you  dropped  this  .   ”   holding  up  the  item  with  an  apologetic  smile   ,   he  reached  forward  for  the  other  to  take  it  .

         kitty half - turned on the ball of her foot,  mostly just to be polite;   she knew she hadn’t dropped anything.   then her eyes widened and she looked up at benjy,  forgetting to even grab it.   “ shit.  how the hell did that even fall out of my bag? “ 

        “   and  that’s  all  you  remember   ?   ”   his  partner  asked   ,   once  again   ,   much  to  the  annoyance  of  the  younger  auror   .   a  whistle  slipped  from  doc’s  lips   ,   brow  furrowed  as  he  glared  at  the  older  man   .   

        “   give  us  a  sec   ,   will  you   ?   ”   

        “   sorry  about  that   .    he’s  old   ,  so   …   didn’t  hear  you  the  first  time   ,   i  expect   .    ”

          “ uh,  right, “   kitty said   —   taking pains to make eye contact with the older auror as she answered his question,  before turning back to caradoc.   she wasn’t even actively doing anything illegal,  but she still felt shifty;   faced with two at once,  she felt like she was being interrogated,  not just casually questioned about the night of the memorial.   

        ──    noise  filtered  into  every  open  crevice  of  the  tiny  flat  ariel  had  called  home  these  last  few  months .   the  record  player  sat  perched  on  the  kitchen  counter ,   blasting  its  third  round  through  fleetwood  mac’s  rumours ,   sock-covered  footsteps  clattered  across  the  hardwood  floors  as  they  ran  from  room  to  room ,   the  occasional  scream  cutting  through  the  music  loud  enough  to  be  heard  three  streets  away .   ariel  had  always  been  a  bit  disorganised .   ever  since  her  days  at  hogwarts ,   her  trunk  had  only  ever  been  packed  at  the  ultimate  LAST  MINUTE ,   stretched  as  far  as  time  could  go  before  panic  set  in .   with  classes  set  two  start  in  two  day’s  and  their  dorms  waiting  for  them  to  arrive  tomorrow ,   ariel  was  beyond  flustered  trying  to  pretend  she  had  her  shit  together (  it  was  blindingly  obvious ,   by  the  way ,   that  she  did  not  ) . 

        sliding  her  feet  across  the  floor  so  she  was  almost  shuffling ,  ariel  moved  quickly from  her  bedroom  to  the  living  room ,   pulling  at  blankets  and  pillows  on  the  couch  as  if  suddenly  the  item  she  was  looking  for  would  appear .  “  HARPER ,   ”  she  shouted ,   ensuring  she  was  adequately  heard  over  stevie  nicks .  “  have  you  seen  my  orange  pants ?  the  ones  with  the  flowers ?  ”  tossing  a  pillow  furiously  back  on  the  couch ,   ariel  reached  for  one  of  the  many  half-empty  bottles  that  littered  the  apartment  and  took  a  large  swig ,   wincing  as  the  gigglewater  reached  her  throat .  “  and  kit !  don’t  forget  to  give  my  lighter  back ,   it  has  to  go  in  my  trunk !  ”

as  harper  watched  her  friend  scamper  frantically  around  the  apartment,  she  couldn’t  help  but  laugh.  for  as  long  as  she  could  remember,  she  had  been  the  type  of  person  who  liked  to  be  prepared,  for  any  type  of  situation  —  which  came  in  handy  at  times  like  this.  her  trunk  had  been  packed  and  ready  to  go  for  nearly  a  week  now.  in  hindsight,  she  realized  that  she  probably  should  have  tried  to  help  ariel  get  her  things  together  before  the  last  possible  moment.  though,  with  all  the  thoughts  of  returning  to  school  and  of  seeing  rabastan  and  lachlan  again,  ariel  and  her  inevitable  procrastination  were  the  least  of  her  worries.  not  that  she  was  necessarily  worried  about  seeing  her  either  of  her  boyfriends  —  in  fact,  she  was  excited  to  see  them.  it  was  the  sneaking  around  that  worried  her,  considering  the  state  that  the  wizarding  world  was  currently  in. 

“have  you  checked  the  laundry  room?”  harper  asked  as  she  pushed  herself  off  of  the  couch,  swaying  a  bit  as  she  reached  out  to  grab  the  bottle  of  gigglewater  out  of  her  friend’s  hand.  “you  wore  them  the  other  day,  didn’t  you?  maybe  they’re  still  in  the  dryer.”  she  shrugged,  shooting a  dubious  glance  in  ariel’s  direction  as  she  took  a  long  swing  from  the  bottle.  “don’t  worry,  ariel.  we’ll  find  them,  i  promise.”  setting  the  bottle  back  down  on  the  coffee  table,  harper  looked  around  the  room,  searching  for  kitty.  another  drunken  giggle  escaped  from  her  lips  when  she  spotted  her  other  best  friend.  “kitty,  have  you  seen  them?  ariel’s  having  a  bit  of  a  crisis  over  her  orange  pants.  we’ve  gotta  find  them.”  —  @abbxtt

kitty smothered a delicate  ‘ fuck! ‘  under her breath.   she sat herself on the floor, scrabbling for the bag she’d flung down by the coffee table the second she’d got in from a shift at the fountain of fair fortune;   she knew ariel’s lighter was in there somewhere,  no doubt buried at the bottom of the patchwork bag she’d gotten from some witch at the bar for free when she’d bought a muggle cassette tape off of her   —   a fucking ripoff,  in hindsight,  since kitty didn’t actually have anything she could play cassettes on.   whatever.   the bag was a steal anyway,   since she’d have sworn the witch spelled the bag with an illegal extension charm,  because it seemed bottomless.   she could dig in it for hours for a tin of lip tint and end up finding everything but what she was looking for.   she glanced up at harper,  when she came in,   sparing the other witch a smile.                “ hey,  the pants can be your mission   —                                        I’ve gotta dump out my bag to find ariel’s lighter. “ 

       he  should  have  felt  bad   .   yup    .    he  knew   ,   deep  down   ,   based  on  the  worried  crease  on  her  forehead    (   and  the  way  her  nerves  unknowingly  bled  into  his  own  psyche   )  ,   he  SHOULD  have  felt  some  sort  of  remorse    .    but  bloody  hell   .   was  it  really  that  big  of  a  deal   ?   the  charlatan  in  him  already  knew  the  answer    :   yes  .    people  often  looked  for  signs  in  the  smallest  of  things   ,   hoping  their  life  would  make  sense  because  a  leaf  attached  itself  to  their  shoe  or  a  candle  went  out  because  they  forgot  to  shut  their  window   .

      but  the  seer  in  him   ?    he  knew  a  leaf  could  hold   a  secret  meaning    .    and  he  knew  candles  could  sometimes  be  blown  out  by  a  lingering  spirit   .    

      really   ,   he  was  too  fucking  cynical  for  that  business   .    why  the  hell  did  they  choose  him   ?

      setting  the  flowers  on  a  nearby  table   (   since  he  still  found  it  funny  and couldn’t  bear  to  throw  them  away  just  yet   )   ,   he  adopted  a  look  of  empathy   .   “   kitty   ,   ”   he  began   ,   recognizing  her  from  their  time  at  school  together   ,  “   memorials  are   ,   by  nature   ,   unsettlin’   .   it’s  alright  to  feel  that  way   .   but  this  ?   ”   benjy  pointed  at  the  flowers    ,    mentally  noting  how  pretty  they  looked  against  the  dark  mahogany   .   “   s’nothing  to  worry  about   .   respect  is  subjective    .    m’sure  they  didn’t  mean  anything  by  it   .   ”  

      i’m  sure   ,   he  almost  added   ,   they  brought  it  as  a  much  needed  joke   .   but  jokes  at  a  memorial   ?   perhaps  his  taste  buds  weren’t  working  as  he  hadn’t  realized  how  in  poor  taste  his  choices  were    .     those  kind  of  emotions  made  him  uncomfortable   .   sue  him  .

          kitty flicked her gaze to the flowers where benjy placed them on the table;   unable to take her eyes away from them,  hard-pressed to stop her teeth from pulling,  worriedly,  at her bottom lip this time around.   she knew it was kind of stupid,  to be so worried about   —   not nothing,  her brain stubbornly insisted.   but nothing more than someone’s heartless prank.    

                                  she was probably just being too sensitive.   but she imagined someone leaving dead flowers for her to find outside of the stuffy little memorial her mother had thrown for jacob,   the wound still fresh enough that her heart gave a helpless squeeze. 

she was glad,  at least,  that benjy had found them and brought them inside before anyone closer to professor cornfoot had to stumble upon them themselves.   a little less glad at his kind tone,  which was,  maybe,  backwards.   he was just being nice,  offering assurances where he thought them needed,   but she felt her spine stiffen even as her worried gaze still bounced between him and the flowers.                 ( maybe she didn’t like being given permission to feel unsettled;                what,  like you could stick the witch in the rebellion but couldn’t                take the rebellion out of the witch? ) 

              what  does  one  bring  to  an  unofficial  memorial   ?    everyone  knew  an  official  memorial  warranted  a  beheaded  chicken  and  leather  chaps   (   he  thought  in  jest   )   .   but  an  unofficial  one   ?    the  three  broomsticks  already  had  the  booze   .   bunny  said  he  should  bring  his  third  eye          benjy  responded  with  a  swift  middle  finger  when  she  wasn’t  looking   .    

              something  felt  WRONG  and  he  couldn’t  figure  out  why    ;    he  just  knew  he  needed  to  be  there   .    so  he  arrived  with  having  chosen  a  bouquet  of  dead  flowers   .    foolish  medium  thought  it  would  be  humorous   ,   as  he  found  it  too  easy  to  spot  the  comedy  within  the  tragedy   ,   but  several  furrowed  brows  aimed  in  his  direction  seemed  to  disagree   .    “   found  these  outside   ,    ”    he  muttered  with  an  added  tsk   ,   tsk   .   “  who  would  do  such  a  thing   ?   not  me  .    ”

“ like,  you found them out there like someone left a bouquet of dead flowers in front of a   …   memorial? “   the word  ‘ memorial ‘  rolled crookedly off her tongue,   the word not quite feeling right in the boisterous main room of the three broomsticks.   still,   whether or not the world felt right,  that’s what this evening was.   kitty’s brow furrowed,   unconsciously,   as she tried to process away the sudden worry roiling away in her stomach;   these were not butterflies,   but hippogriffs flapping around in her stomach at the news behind benjy’s bouquet.                                “ that’s   —   well,  I mean,   a little troubling,  right? “