Aaron

Idk if it's exactly workplace PTSD, just seeing the bitch or both. But every time I or someone else must go to that particular store my ex is working in the area I need to get mine or their items from. Like wtf!!! I hate that. I really can't stand it. My anxiety rises so high because she mentally fvcked my head up so damn bad to a point of even setting foot in the entrance feels like a completely different world, but evil within the air. All I needed was shampoo and GUESS WHO WAS STOCKING THAT VERY AISLE🤦‍♂️ My heart was beating so hard, im surprised no one could hear it but I. My best friend was with me, but it didn't mend the anxiety at all. I couldn't even pick out the damn shampoo for me because I couldn't concentrate due to my ex standing behind my stocking. As soon as she hit the corner and came back onto her aisle she makes this "Mmm!😑" sound of hatred towards me. How can YOU hate someone you fvcked over on your own. That's YOUR doing. Im simply ignoring you and trying not to have a mental breakdown in the aisle. There's no breathing to stop my anxiety, nothing. It's only this bad around her. She broke me mentally and now it feels permanent. To make matters worse I fight and force myself to shop there anyway because I don't want to let her control my decisions. It's a war in my head and I cannot tell you how many times I've just juggled the thought of suicide. You'll never understand this pain untill you've felt this tier of anxiety and mental fvck up. To make matters worse I can't even fvcking kill my self because if I don't succeed, im smacked into a hospital w/ another bill and broken mother that I have to face while in a hospital bed. I can't seek help because IT COSTS MONEY. It's soo much pressure. This anxiety in general has controled everything. Afraid to drive, afraid of classes, afraid of people, afraid of interviews, afraid of every damn thing. And there's no professional help without cost. I don't know how much more longer I can hold out this way. I can do these things, yes. But my head has been broken twice and my heart multiple times. Idk how im still standing after lastnight. I really was ready. But couldn't. I never can. As always it's suffocating.

Exhibit A on hatred and just how close minded people are. I'd struck up a good gaming conversation with a guy in someone's stream, he asked for my gamertag and I gave it to him. The guy added me and I added him back. He then asked if I were a girl. Seein as it was in my bio. I said "Yes, lesbian 😂" to basically explain my looks in my profile pic and soon as I said that, he goes "Sorry. But I disagree with homosexuality. I believe it's wrong in the eyes of God. Im a Christian. I've been one since 2015". I told him that that was fine and that even his opinion mattered. From then on out this guy wouldn't even engage in chatting w/ me anymore. I could call out 100,000 things wrong here, but I don't have the energy. Goes to show you our people today is the moral of the matter when you remove the velvet curtain down of who you can actually get along with blindly.

Today is a sad, lonesome day for many. Including myself. Which is why I don't fully feel alone. I normally don't let this holiday phase me. I've ignored it for many years, but today is different. I feel like I have soo much to give and it goes to waste each and everyday. I just sit in my room, watch the world be active before my eyes, people driving nice cars and working suitable jobs while I, myself, am stuck with the mind of a 15 yr old while 27. I feel like because of my anxiety controlling my every move and me being limited to normal tasks that that's the reason I'm alone now.