the falcon

“One of depression’s most authentic synonyms is “sinkhole”. Have you ever seen one take shape? I remember watching this video when I was a little girl — a random street in Japan suddenly caved and things, people, animals, cars had fallen into it. How apt, I think now. The way I remember its sagged concrete digging itself inwards, a mouth forming in the middle of a body, starting to eat its own organs first and then its skin and then everything lining the exterior of its shuddered body. Thats how it feels when the Afterwards — Ache, Stupor, Mess — settles its control inside my own body. I feel the tiniest pinprick close to my bellybutton and then it feels like my body is simultaneously erasing its contact with gravity while slowly dropping into the earth, opening up to swallow every Bad Thing I can fish out of myself, hanging it out to dry, then folding it and finally shoving it back to fill up this starved hollow.”

“A part of me dies when I hear people apologising for showing emotion, for showing how they truly feel. They are labelled as needy and desperate, because there is some kind of rule that overrides your ability to show how you truly feel. Some barrier created to work like a robot, to not be sensitive, to remain cold and hide your supposedly non-existent feelings; they make you feel ashamed for expressing what you genuinely feel. There is never a reason to hide what you feel, just because they do, it does not mean you have to.”