The Muser

So this is how it is again. I'll text you and you won't text back. This is about thr shift over thing in case I forget later. Fine. I feel myself falling back into old patterns but there are also some things so firmly embedded in me now, so distinctly part of me that they shine through just as bright. I won't lock the door because I'm afraid it will upset you. I'll comb my hair and let you unpack my things. But I will still eat what I like and spend time alone of I feel like it and sleep by myself. This bit is not about him by the way, the starting is. So the boundaries are shaky but they are there. All I have to do now is not care. If I could just stop caring for one second. If I could just stop caring half maybe all my problems would be solved. This is all because I care too much. Here we are. The revelation. I care too much about what will be thought (still can't write certain names or indicate certain people. Ah well. I'm getting there. ) if ibday no to too many things, especially since I'm being treated nicely as of now, about 4 days into my stay back. I'm being purpose fully vague by the way. I'm still afraid of surveillance. But yeah. I still have the fawning response, but I'm also able tomask for stuff. Or maybe that's not fair. I barely had to ask to get to sleep alone in this room. But whatever. At least I got it. It's still uncomfortable and scary and I don't want to be here. It's almost unbearable in a lot of ways but some bits felt nice too. Families laughing together in cars with songs and rain and thunder. Brilliant sharp rain on my hands, drops of water on my face. The wind and the music in a speeding car, the soft taste of sweet smoke.

Anyway. Coming back to him. I see this is how it is. And I can't even really truly blame him because I truly am asking for too much. I can't expect it to be like before. For him to text me endlessly and sing for me and draw pictures of me. This days are gone. We aren't those people anymore even though I kinda want to be. I liked the attention. I still do want to hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and just close my eyes and let the world fall away for a few seconds. Just forget. I want to put my head on his chest and just lie down. And have him hold me. And let me hold him. I want to run my fingers through his hair and mess up his curls and hold his hand and maybe even kiss him. But. But that's too unrealistic right now. It's not possible. It's not realistic. We've barely started talking again. Barely. He doesn't even seem to be too interested in me anymore. I need someone who can care for me with everything they have. All in. Not this dip in dip out whenever he feels like it. I need someone reliable. Someone who understands how much reassurance I need, how much care. I'm high maintenance. But I also think I am capable of caring deeply. But we just aren't right for each other, I think. There's nothing here anymore. Just empty dreams and wisps of memories that have faded to near blindness. But caged birds sing even when they can't see the sun. Even if the sun's stopped rising. So it will be like this for a bit, I guess. And of course, this is all my fault. All of it. Every last bit. I'm not clear about how I feel amd am unable to express what little I do understand of my feelings. I'm at fault but I'm not guilty. This isn't affecting him anyways. I'm sure he's happy woth whatever he's doing. And that's a little petty and childish but unfortunately, I turn all shades of immature and impulsive when I'm woth him, when it's about him. I feel like I forgot how to act for most of our time when we went out last. Eother way. He isn't texting back. He doesn't wat to meet me. He doesn't really care too much about me beyond general friendship. I'm sure he isn't agonizing about holding my hand or putting my head on his shoulder right now. Is this a little too presumptuous? Am I assuming how he feels without actually asking him? Maybe. But this is what I think right nkw. I can't wait to text him, I always want to talk to him or be around him. He clearly doesn't. And that's okay. It feels big right now but it'll go away once I'm out of this hellhole. Okay hellhike is a string word. Um.... somewhat suffocating atmosphere?

Ma cherie.

I don't know where I heard this first. I don't recall how I know it. But I keep calling myself this in my head. It is comfort and confidence. Just wanted to leave a record of it here. All the words I call myself because I don't need anyone else to. You hear that you beast in human Clothing? (What up, chinese novels reference! ;))

But it always falls in drops.

It does. It does.

Then why do you say it falls in drops today?

What colour is the sky?

It's blue. It's always blue.

What colour was it at exactly 9:43, yesterday?

I don't know? Blue? It's always blue.

The sun set at 9:43 yesterday.

Orange then.

Perhaps. Or perhaps it was red, and mauve, and yellow and pink.

Perhaps. So what?

So the sky isn't always blue.

Well..... not always, I guess. Not during sunrises and sunsets....... And the night sky is black. But what does that have to do with raindrops?

Nothing. Everything.

You're being purposely vague.

Am I? I didn't notice.

Saying something is both 'nothing' and 'everything' is essentially the very definition of being vague. How could you not notice?!

How could you not notice the colour of the sky at 9:43 yesterday? It's the sky. Very difficult to miss. Colour is the very definition of not vague, isn't it?

I guess..... But it happens everyday! I couldn't possibly keep looking at the sky every minute to determine its colour. Or keep track of what colour each sunset is! And what does colour have to do with rain falling in drops?

The rain always falls in drops because we know rain falls in drops. Just like the sky is always blue because you know it's supposed to be blue. We know. We always look, but we seldom see. We know rain falls in drops but how often do we actually see it, observe it, falling in drops? I saw it today. I saw the little drops and thier irregular shapes as they rested on my window. Do you see what I mean?

I think so..... I don't know.

He doesn't like the real me. I'm too loud and too needy and too much. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like me.

And that's okay. That's more than okay. I knew it was never going to work. We're too different. But I think......Maybe We're not. It's not going to work. But not because We're too different. Or because he's stupid or beneath me or anything like that. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh too, I think. He cheers me up in a way very few can. But I can't confide in him. I'll never be able to trust him. At least it feels this way right now. Look at me, still holding out hope. Huh. This one hurts a little, but....... it's a good sort of hurt. I can't trust that he'll see the real me and still stay. Because he's seen a bit of it and he already seems less interested. I'm not interested in someone who is one way before a relationship and another after. I'm too sensitive, and honestly too awesome and precious, for that sort of shit. I can't trust him to stay. To not get bored on my off days. To not get weirded out with my habits and thoughts. I like looking at him. He's cute. Really cute, I think. I like it when he smiles. When he laughs. I like how excited he got showing me all the stuff in his room and what he's done with it. And I really liked talking about songs with him. But conversation doesn't always flow easy with him. And I won't always be as energetic as I am today. Silences feel awkward and make me anxious. I feel like I have to fill them or he'll end the call. Say bye. His byes are always so abrupt. He always says bye first. It's true that I care too much, too deeply, too much, too much, too much. And I'm sure he's someone worth caring for. Amd someone someday surely will. But I don't think that somebody's me (what up, song reference!;)). I need someone who's a little more sure of themselves, a little more sturdy. A little more attentive and caring. Okay, a lot more attentive and caring. Consistently. Not this come again go again vague unsure thing. And the more I talk with him, the more I think I understand. How I feel, whatever it is that I feel, is not going away. It's here and I have to deal with it. Now, how does annie deal with feelings? She represses the shit out of them! What a brilliant fucking strategy, eh? Aight, don't think that's gonna work no more cause of this whole shitty self reflection, more honest and authentic self thing. Can't repress cause it's in the fore-fucking-front. Aight. So........ De......ny? Nah, can't deny, same reason, fore-fucking-front. Write a book about it? No energy. Poetry? Meh. So what shall annie do? What must she do at this critical juncture where heartbreak is inevitable? Cry? Don't really feel like it. I think the writing is helping with the processing. Making me feel a little lighter. Or maybe that's the passing gas. Who knows? Sleep? Sounds really fucking inviting right about now.

Okay okay. I think I feel okay now. It's an experience amd I feel okay now and I k ow it'll come back but I really feel much better now. Who knew? Writing literally everything you think helps? Huh. A lot of revelations. Also, I'm not ashamed anymore. Doesn't mean I'm gonna go around screaming about it. But I'm not ashamed to say I might be going through a bit of a heartbreak. Which is okay. I still can't really say how I feel. Whether that is because I can't identify the feeling or because I still refuse to accept it still remains to be seen. But I'm not ashamed to say I might je going to heartbreak. Or withdrawal. Or whatever this is. The realization that it is not meant to be. Truly. Truly not meant to be. Anyhoo. All this typing has made me really tired. So imma probably go smome and then sleep for a bit. Toodleooooo.

Oh, and annie is awesome, was awesome, and always will be awesome. Ain't nothing gonna change that. 🖤🤍♥️

I WILL MAKE IT.

I will.

You taught me today that love is only worth something when it is dyed in blood. That it holds value to you only when it is painted in screams and dried in tears. I came home from Cal after a long time yesterday. And I cried today. Thrice. In a day. In a single fucking day. Your brilliant thoughts were the cherry on top. When I read your messages I was hurt. So so hurt. I was so hurt that I wanted to hurt you too. But I cared too much. So I didn't say anything. I'm angry and hurting right now. So anything I say will be out of anger. Not something I mean. So I'll hold my tongue amd let myself drowning salt. I deserve it.

By the way, all love is in relation to yourself. Love is always about what the other person does for you. Their laugh makes you happy. Their words validate your ego. Having them trust you makes you happy. All love is about utility. Even the kind that hurts. Love that hurts makes you feel alive.

I was going to ask if you're doing okay, but since you have other people around I won't worry anymore. I'm angry and I'm sorry. This anger and these thoughts feel toxic and unhealthy. I shouldn't take it out on you. I won't take it out on you.

You are good. Very good. Unfortunately, I am better.

In a small cottage by the sea, where the whispers of trees and the roars of waves blend in sweet cacophony.

I want to live far away from those I grew up with. I want to forget their brilliance and how I dull in their presence. I want to live for me.

I want to live where it so thuderously loud and so eerily quiet that my mind has no place for any ill begotten sounds. I want to live where noise can drown out my incompetence and misery.

I want to live where I can forget what it feels like to be inferior. Surrounded by laughter, strange or familiar. Surrounded by cries, painful or joyous.

I want to embrace all that come to me, all I go to. I want to make friends and forget I have family. I want to support myself and others when they need me. I want to be needed and abke to provide the help they need. .

I want to live far far away from mediocrity.

I want to build myself anew, away from prejudice and those who love me but deserve better in every way. I want to find new love, and build myself to deserve it.