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life updates:

Me and Louise havent gotten married but we are kinda hoping to in september this year if we can afford it. we are very much in love though.

our cat Lucy passed away a bit over a year ago, but we were blessed at the vets office with a baby cat named MooMoo that we adopted. she looks vaguely similar to Lucy but her personality is completely different.

almost a year of working my first real office type job as exhibitions coordinator for a commercial gallery 3 days a week. not my ideal work situation but im kinda managing to make it through, even though i am constantly being pressured to go full time. i think im good at my job but i can foresee an expiry date and going back to freelance work

ive gotten really into bonsai. i really want to make our garden nice and more accessible for louise but we are pretty broke.

my sister had a lil baby boy and my sister in law is a few months away from having a lil baby gorl.

we are leaving our studio in october after 5 years. i will miss the space and the crew a whole lot but i definitely wont miss the flooding. we are looking to rent something for ourselves but the more we look the less realistic it feels.

i went to china for a second time with louise and her parents. i can see myself living near her family there when we get old. every time im there i learn a little more mando and when i get back i kinda stall on it. i love her family, especially her cousins and their kids.

i think im pretty happy these days. i take my ritalin most days. my skin has never looked better. i have to shave every 5 days which is a bit of a bummer. my metabolism is definitely slowing down.

im also making art again. nothing crazy but i forgot how expensive it is making art. i kinda think i could be a successful artist if i really tried but it does kinda scare me now having worked with so many young artists at my job.

im still full of love and hope, just with less time and energy.

i miss you all, chat soon.

upped dose of 10mg in morning, 5mg midday, 5mg late afternoon.

first proper test! got to work knowing id be doing archiving stuff which i really struggle to wrap my head around, only for it to be just that little bit harder from the addition of needing to do mountains of data entry from hand written notes. 

got through 4 boxes of individual CDs with post it notes on it, really struggling to get through it, like physically willing my body to make it through. genuinely exhausted by the end of the day, like proper drained, but i noticed that when it came to the physical stuff like moving boxes or files, i was way more enthusiastic. 

5mg 8.30 and 12.

spent the day driving really? dropped off work with louise in the morning, then drove north to pickup some car parts i bought off fb marketplace. looked around the area, then headed home. was sleepy so had a straight up chill in bed and then went to meet knulp for a gallery walk through and saw the new SCA campus. home, helped louises dad do his covid safety plan for his business. busy but very good day.

solid day. had a good long morning to wake up then straight to the studio to prep for louises shoot. long day but concentration/enthusiasm didnt slow down all day. i think taking the third 5mg at 3.15 really helped in terms of longevity of brain function. definitely felt it wear off later in the day but not quite as striking as yesterday. appetite still def present which is good. 

5mg dose at 8.30 and again at 12.

fewer tugs towards distraction, to the point of almost none. felt way more capable of doing everything today. managed to put the MDF floor into the van which ive been putting off for months. eating was fine, definitely still felt snacky all day but alot less so than normal. 

FLUFFFFFFFYYYYYY

woke up later than planning, bad sleep, was gonna go shopping but didnt work out coz i overslept. quick coffee and then straight to zhangs place. wlecomed with a home made bacon egg roll :’) lucy sat on my lap and we had another coffee. lucy getting so comfy around me, making me v happy.

slow start, lots of cuddling and kissing lol, then got straight into cleaning dad zhangs office. watched karate kid with jaden smith and then steven universe. disassembling bed and reorganizing office. making spaces more livable and comfy for isolation. 

napped real softly. lucy got involved, slept next to me. 

kept working, lots of sorting and just making decisions. very sleepy. 

mama zhang came home and made me some food to take home, kept getting me to taste test it hehe. me and lou went for a drive, got a drivethrough mcflurry and then drove through the rain (fluffy) then stopped near a park and made out hehe (EXTRA FLUFFY) i love louise alot :) like, so much.... :D 

dropped zhang home. went home, had some of mama zhangs food and ate some of my stew. played smash bros with brenton and then planned tomorrow (gardening and shopping run for essentials) 

super slow morning, toook my melatonin too late and too big a dose (2/3 instead of 1/2) so hard to wake up. coffee, clothes, jumped in car. hit up the service nsw in marrickville and got rego sorted pretty quick. got home and did some cleaning, waited for guy from fb market place to pick up car parts off me.

all the while lots of chatting to lu on messenger. very fluffy :)

got parts, then kept cleaning to help think through what im gonna do for money for the next little while. definitely going to double down on art delivery and really try to do that as often as i can for as long as i can. stressed but managing. 

also started to think longer term with potential lockdown. lots to think about but very tired. 

woke up peacefully from super deep. sleep. so lovely. zhang still asleep next to me. made instant coffee and came back to bed. had a nice cuddle and coffee in bed, just appreciating each others presence. seriously sweet way to begin any day. :o) healing two days together. 

drove zhang home in the rocket ship and drove to dads. new van gets really shit fuel mileage but ive been thinking of ways to improve it that i might try one day soon. still havent transfered rego tho coz service nsw places always packed and i dont wanna add to that...

got to dads and he immediately wanted to drive it: ended up accidentally doing a serious skid after 5 minutes of driving it but was very happy. we both concluded it could use a thicker front sway bar tho.

had lunch at small cafe near dads thats just reopened. staff have been super busy decontaminating every table after everyone leaves but it was pretty quiet so not too bad. back at dads we worked on writing a list on what to do about every single thing wrong in the house: things to buy, sell/get rid of, and do. ended up writing like 80 things on the list so now we are gonna try to get through at least one per hang out. spent the afternoon cleaning and measuring up van to fit it out for art transport.

got pizza and beers, watched buzzfeed unsolved (dad hates to admit it but he LOVED it) drove home, wrote this. <3 

woke up at 8.20, slept real poorly coz i was watching star wars til late.... hehe

coffee, then jumped straight in the *new* car, aka the rocket ship. drove to mums to drop off some art stuff, hung around for a coffee and some pudding. me and mums relationship is nice because we dont see each other very much, but when we do we just pick up where we left off like we saw each other yesterday. mum is doing good, a little concerned abt virus stuff but prepped and ready.

drove back home, van is big and floaty and fast. worked on it for a few hours, figuring out bits and pieces, also putting dashcam in. wrote gumtree ad for ravioli, felt pretty down about getting rid of it but its time... :(

afternoon was spent watching the phantom menace (not as bad as i remember) and chatting to zhang which was nice. learning more about how she feels every day, as she put it “like having feelings translated through google”. at times our intimacies clash, which always hurts and leaves me feeling a little heavy, but im searching for that rhythm and im gonna keep trying. 

with everything thats happening in the world right now, my general sense of anxiety is lingering all the time, every single action and movement. im constantly exhausted and it doesnt feel like the right time for anything.