une topographie de la tristesse

L'océan relève du divin

Même quand une

Infinité de touristes vient se

Déferler sur ses plages

Il reste inatteignable

Incompréhensible et

Imperturbable

i will not mark the day you left it shall pass like the falling of the last anonymous leaves in a forest that nobody hears or sees

and yes - i still search for your face in airport terminals, crowded subways and busy streets. but i won't on the day you left

i will not mark the day you left i'll fill up all the emptiness, i'll stack the hours like jenga towers until the day is through.

and take down all the mirrors — nothing to see in the rear-view.

i will not mark the day you left, no matter how incomplete it feels to hear the sound of mine in the absence of your heartbeat.

i will not mark the day you left i'll box it up and tie a ribbon round the days stretched out behind me with an explanation i was never given.

you and your tarot cards, astrology, self-care and yoga retreats, dressing up the harm you caused as divine provenance

telling yourself, telling the world this is how it is meant to be

burning bridges you have crossed just to bask in the heat

i will not mark the day you left it shall pass like the falling of the last anonymous leaves in a forest that nobody hears or sees

and yes - i still search for your face in airport terminals, crowded subways and busy streets. but i won't on the day you left

i will not mark the day you left i'll fill up all the emptiness, i'll stack the hours like jenga towers until the day is through.

and take down all the mirrors — nothing to see in the rear-view.

i will not mark the day you left, no matter how incomplete it feels to hear the sound of mine in the absence of your heartbeat.

i will not mark the day you left i'll box it up and tie a ribbon round the days stretched out behind me with an explanation i was never given.

you and your tarot cards, astrology, self-care and yoga retreats, dressing up the harm you caused as divine provenance

telling yourself, telling the world this is how it is meant to be

burning bridges you have crossed just to bask in the heat

the fabric paints ellipses, on the borders of your hips, that slip under the waterline, so nobody can see.

the line of red that stands between, my body and your skin, a barrier my hands, can cross clandestinely.

and then the red was pooling, on the floor beside my bed, and i wanted just to drink you, but back then you made me wait.

and ever since that day, i nearly got to take a sip, there's been a thirst in me for you; that no-one can satiate.

so i still daydream sometimes, of those red ellipses, and your skin pressed hard to mine, and the summers gentle breeze.

The Rodeo Rule: you only have to do it for the first time once.

The Rohan Rule: if you are at a social function full of new people and you want to be liked, find someone doing important work like setup or food prep and offer to help.

The Tutorial Mode Rule: to navigate an unfamiliar situation where you fear you will mess up an interaction, preface the interaction by mentioning that you've never done this before, and let them know if you have a specific concern or question.

The Rocket Science Rule: most new things you want to try seem very complicated but are simple when taken step by step.

The [X] Will Remember That Rule: if you need to make small talk with the same person on a regular basis, try to save one fact or current event in their life from a given conversation and bring it up next time you talk.

you only have to do it

for the first time once.

████ me, ███

with ████ ███

tobacco █████

flavoured lips

████ ███████

this isn't ████ ██

healing

but ████ there is ██████

something ███████ of a home

in the way ███████

██████ ████████ ██ ████

you said I was a star but I felt under a microscope you took out the telescope to see the planets and I tried to recall the forecast on my horoscope ScorpioMystique.com said something I'd forgotten, something foreboding or maybe I simply mistook arousal as fear

you sounded different on the telephone last night. traffic in LA. I was famished but couldn't eat a single grain. your face distorted, like through a macro lens

you are the sun and I am dizzy from orbit I am aging faster in space to catch up with your wisdom you know so much about stars, space

I want to be a magnificent star in space

Endless, and I still look for your voice in every call. I still seek your words in every verse, and I fill my cuts with vows and memories,

and I lick my bruises to retaste you, and I still proudly count your fingerprints on my skin. and you are endlessly

in every shape I wrap, in every sigh I exhale, in every twinge of anamnesis, and in every pointless hope that lulls my illusions

the fabric paints ellipses, on the borders of your hips, that slip under the waterline, so nobody can see.

the line of red that stands between, my body and your skin, a barrier my hands, can cross clandestinely.

and then the red was pooling, on the floor beside my bed, and i wanted just to drink you, but back then you made me wait.

and ever since that day, i nearly got to take a sip, there's been a thirst in me for you; that no-one can satiate.

so i still daydream sometimes, of those red ellipses, and your skin pressed hard to mine, and the summers gentle breeze.

the fabric paints ellipses, on the borders of your hips, that slip under the waterline, so nobody can see.

the line of red that stands between, my body and your skin, a barrier my hands, can cross clandestinely.

and then the red was pooling, on the floor beside my bed, and i wanted just to drink you, but back then you made me wait.

and ever since that day, i nearly got to take a sip, there's been a thirst in me for you; that no-one can satiate.

so i still daydream sometimes, of those red ellipses, and your skin pressed hard to mine, and the summers gentle breeze.

I hate you in the way flame hates oxygen dependent devouring impossible without it

You love in the softest parts of me like a splinter I refused to pull because pain felt better than empty skin

I hate the way your name still fits into my mouth like it belongs there like a prayer I don't believe in anymore

You built a home within my chest then lit matches just to watch it burn and I stood there warming my hands on the wreckage telling myself it was love

I hate how I'd still answer if you called at 12:53 AM voice cracked apologies spilling like cheap liquor I'd drink every word and pretend it didn't poison me

Because loving you was always a slow suicide romanticized self-inflicted beautiful in the worst ways