it’s like as soon as I fall in love I become increasingly suicidal and manic

I’m in love I hate it I hope staying is worth it

I don’t want love I don’t want a relationship I’m still coping but I think I might be accidentally so into somebody and of course they’re a mf cancer and I wish I could talk to someone about it but I don’t so I can’t even rest on all this bottled excitement the only person I be talkin to heavy is this nigga oh my god I thought I’d never get over cordon and I may not but this shit gives me hope cause I’m feelin sum I haven’t since him please pray for me

I have a date with Durante, jus hearing Nd sayin his name makes my stomach flutter

I spiraled so hard the past few days and drank so much that I had the worst comedown today like I could barely walk and threw up so much but I finally feel a lil better thank god

I wish I could do anything to help my mom not hurt

I wish I could reach out but I’m not good at it nor do I want to be a burden I want to offer support to those around me who need it and I try but I feel like I’m spreading myself thin nor am I good at that either

I’ve been repressing and internalizing so much for the past month to keep my cool and I think it’s starting to catch up I feel like cutting again for the first time in a really long time

I’m so neutral stressed like mentally it’s a war between me hating myself and some shit goin on in my life Nd then trying to calm Nd soothe myself and remind myself I’m okay I’m okay and it’s jus both emotions going back and fourth in my head sometimes I zone out while people are talking to me it almost makes me feel empty cause I jus can’t focus or when I do feel powerfully I immediately try to shut it down for sake of my well being

I feel so mushy and lovey but I haven’t felt this way in a long time