ive experienced many many many things over the past few years, i cant say tht ive actually recovered from it LOL but it definitely took me apart and im barely picking up the pieces now.

2022 was such a good year to me: started reconnecting with my dad, traveled to costa rica to study abroad, left my comfort zone and met so many friends in my college's organization (despite being SOOO anxious and unconfident), started talking to a crush a had when i was in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (this is actually important), gone to several raves/festivals/concerts with friends, and graduated with honors!

i wanted to emphasis the crush part bc it had been around 2 years since I had last dated so having a crush was cute. he was such a sweet guy but the long distance was something I couldn't withstand towards the end of the year. he was part of the navy so connection was very much limited but he did his best to keep in contact with emails. I think if i continued to pursue him, id be betraying myself. so the reason why this was so important was because for my birthday, he had sent two boxes over from japan: my birthday gift and just stuff i liked. I opened them after a festival with my friends and i started sobbing so much bc i wasnt sure if i deserved all this. and it made me so confused bc i was like "am i worth all these good things?" and there were SO MANY things inside the boxes. my best friend kept reassuring me that YES i am so deserving of so many amazing things !!! and that i wasnt showered with gifts like this from a guy before and it showed. and so till this day i remind myself that although it can be overwhelming, i am so deserving of great things!! (which plays a big part right now)

i think one mistake i made towards the end of the year was pursuing someone who wasnt sure of me. he was very subtle with his actions, we became closer, but he took a step back because he was a bit confused and still was recovering from some traumatic event that happened earlier in the year. but i was bold and i knew what i wanted: i didnt want to be with someone didnt pick me immediately. two years later, we've broken up (lol). i think its just sad that we talked alot about marriage, traveling and moving out to only not work out in the end. but two years wasnt all for naught, we learned so much about each other, about myself, what his capacity to hold me in looked like, what i tolerated and what i didnt, so forth. he did the best that he could but i remembered reading somewhere "his best is someone elses bare minimum" and so i am keeping that to my heart. but he really did the best he could, especially when i was bedridden or when i had to make frequent hospital visits. and for that i am incredibly grateful and im not taking that for granted (but he thinks i did lol). he may not have been the best bf, but he was a great friend. and now, he just simply a good friend. i no longer am romantically attached, just happy that we can still be friends despite the outcome. some of my friends think im crazy still be friends, some think we're mature enough to mutually agree to be so, but personally i think ive done enough healing and accepting that the best course of actions is just to simply be friends.

23-24 were still shitty years, again being so sick i was in and out of work, trying to be social yet trying to be a hermit and recover, but still trying to enjoy festivals and concerts. I had so much fun for my first edc, but had the worst one for my second sol blume, best friend and i really had a mental breakdown around the same time, broke my own record of having my blood drawn in 1 year, first corporate job, and my dad died towards the end of '24. it was such a confusing and difficult time of my life. i am not new to grieving but this was so different. we were barely reconnecting and he passes away. like how tf do you recover from that lol like we were suppose to go to basketball games, more sushi dinners, more family get togethers, and ugh! he was sick for awhile but i didnt know it had taken over him. my mom had progressively gotten meaner to me during '22 and when my dad had passed she was just so .... she lacked so much sympathy for me. she was micromanaging on what to do, how to act, how to feel, like theres a specific grieving process for this???? and it made me so upset that i slept angry while crying and repeated the same thing again when i woke up. im so grateful for my friends who had supported me throughout the funeral and it wasnt a shocker that my mom had treated me so indifferently during it.

last yr, i had missed my dad so much i spoke to a medium about him. she told me so many things that she didnt know but / i / knew and it was just so cool. i cried during our session and he brought up some things to clarify. i definitely want to talk to him again later this year. on may, i knew i couldnt be with my then-ex, and somehow the medium predicted we wouldnt be together (lol). the name harold or andrew seemed to be significant and fast forward to today, i am currently dating an andrew! i wonder what the significance means though. good? bad???? life changing !!?!?!??!/ def something i am going to bring up when i talk to the medium again. a tarot lady i saw last summer said to not worry abt romance, everything well be ok. and i would be changing careers. and i do have psychic powers, i just need to tap in more. which is kinda interesting because sometimes ill think of someone or something and will run into them or having something appear before me. i dunno. but anyways

summer was pretty good-ish. broke up last week of july and it kinda became the topic within our college friends. while it was stressful, everything unexpectedly was in my favor. traveled down to la twice for events, and for the later one, my best friends and i discovered something gross about a mutual and it actually made me so grossed out and anxious to the point where i wanted to throw up around him lol. but around this time, my friends threw in the idea that me and andrew / could / be a thing. i thought this was a bit early for me as i had just freshly gotten out of a relationship 3 months ago but i dont think it would be a bad thing? ya girl was checked out months before the breakup so i was good to go lmao

i worked a ton and did overtime towards the last quarter of 25, it ws not fun at all. although i had alot of overtime pay, it just didnt feel right. all i did was go early to work to come home late. and when i got home, i didnt want to eat, just wanted to sleep. i really was just living for the weekends. and weekends was meant to catch up on sleep. i was so tired i couldnt play games or anything.

i traveled to korea and japan with my besties towards the end of oct and it was so liberating. it was my first time traveling out of the country without my family (costa rica excluded) and i had the time of my life. i def went over my budget but its ok bc money was made to be spent and it will always come back to me 5x fold !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after talking everyday since early oct, i met andrew in person at an event with my best friends !! he was shy for the most part but i rly liked it HAHA but anywayssss he's rly sweet :> rly rly. i think its refreshing to know someone who is so sure of me and is putting so much effort early on. its actually kinda scary bc im not used to it.. he's so attentive to me too: i mentioned gummy bears once and he bought me a huge bag along with soup (i got sick the next week), remembered abt the maplestory mushroom plushie i liked and actually bought it, took me to the best crab rangoon spot bc i looooove crab rangoons, actually made me a yakult bouquet bc i rly wanted one, seriously he's showing me that the bar should be higher than i think it is !! i think he's good for me, seriously. he's so kind, so silly and attentive, so caring n loving and accepting, i really do like him! i catch myself stepping back often tho bc im not sure if this is considered moving too fast or maybe this is a version of lovebombing i have not experienced yet, or maybe this is all too good to be true. anyways, im just really enjoying every moment with him and i feel so safe.

my eczema actually has gotten worse since my trip back from jpn/kr and i felt like andrew might be grossed out by it but he's been pretty kinda and reassuring with me, but bc of that im so worried like AAHHHH wdym its ok !?!?!? its not for me !! but yeah, he's so amazing and sweet, i really hope and pray he continues to be this consistent and to be good for me. i cant tell if im hanging on to him tightly bc i dont like the idea of starting all over again OR the fact that he's so good to be true that i want this for myself. either way, ill figure it out. i like being with him and i hope everything goes well

other than all the romance stuff, im finally moving out and im making it happen. i looked everywhere for apartments everyday since i came back from my trip bc i REALLY wanted to make this happen. bc if i didnt i knew i would not be growing. i luckily found a roommate after mocha couldnt move in with me but still saddened by it bc we rly wanted to make that work and even planned how to decorate our space. after weeks of looking, we found a place and i move in today BUT my trip to australia for my moms bday is for a week so i dont really move in until i come back. my mom doesnt know so its gonna be a lil shocker .... i cant really imagine how shes going to take it given the history of her lashing out when things doesnt go her way. she has an idea that i am saving up to move out but not this soon..

i havent packed yet, but the thought of it is kinda overwhelming. i KNOW i can do this, i know i know i can its just the first step is so hard. i dunno . my undiagnosed adhd is taking a hold of me. my cousins and i were actually brainstorming on how to approach the idea to my mom but we were just like yeaaahhhhhh its difficult bc we all know what shes like lol