Rae's Home for Senior Video Games

#011 Vortex Portal?

A Spa appeared out of nowhere!

Everything looks gross, and it must be, because no one seems to come here.

Was this even here yesterday? 

I decided to go for a bath anyway.

Waterborne diseases? YOLO!

Demetrius implated a bat cave on my farm.

#010 Summer is here! (Summer Y1)

Summer has started and I've been working on my relationships with the townsfolk.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Liked you better when we weren’t friends, Shane.

---

Dating wise...

Harvey is as dull as my mum’s conversations about politics.

Sebastian has a lot of teenage angst for someone who is out of high school.

(not entirely disagreeing with you there, though)

Sam, apart from looking like he came from planet Vegeta, appears to be the most normal, i decided to investigate.

AN EXTENSIVE LIBRARY FOR THE GLORIOUS PC MASTER RACE?

#009 The Flower Dance

More like ‘desperate and lonely’ but hey, i’ll take a compliment.

HAHAHA YOU’RE SINGLE. WHAT A LOSER MARNIE.

As for me, I’m totally popular and full of friends and everyone wants to date me, i just like to stay in a corner and not talk to anyone.

#008 Latest News in the Valley

Mr Douche from evil corp Joja, went into Pierre's place with 50% coupons.

A bit of a dick move, but you know, the economy is crap, i would've take some as well, but these greedy bastards ran to it and i had none left for myself.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are partying too loud.

There have been complains of loud noises coming from the sewers.

Also, i believe my farm is under CCTV surveillance.

#007 Trippy

Mayor Lewis was like "There's an Egg Festival today." I said "Fuck that. I'm not interested in your pagan rituals."

But the whole town was in lockdown because of it, so i went anyway.

I ended up having a great time, thanks to Pam who spiked the booze.

Errr... i’m not sure if it’s still Pam’s hallucinogens, but i found a message from Grandpa?!

WTF, NO?!?! STAY DEAD, GRANDPA

SWORDS ARE NOT VIABLE ANTI ZOMBIE WEAPONS

#066 Freebies

I casually entered a cave, found a guy and he gave me a sword! So i joined his guild.

If only WoW was like this...

Gunther at the museum/library said that i should bring him crap that i dig out and eventually get rewards.

This town is cool people keep giving me stuff.

My farm is also doing good.

#005 I’m actually a reptile person, but that option wasn’t available This morning Marnie found a puppy at my farm.

MARNIE THE DOG HAS A COLLAR IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT A STRAY

YOU SICK FUCK STOLE IT FROM SOMEONE

... But ok, I'll keep it.

Also, an old man named Willy gave me his old fishing rod.

So. Yay! I can fish now! All the sushi and possibilities!

#004 Absinthe Party

The next day, I got a letter in the mail from a wizard(?!?) that lives in a tower, about my trip to the Community Center.

I went to his place and there was ritualistic business all over his place. He said he'd predicted my arrival, showed me an image of the Living Apples and told me they were actually called 'Junimos'.

-

He read the weird scripture and said that i needed to drink from his cauldron. I'm sure it's perfectly fine to drink random magic mixtures from a cauldron that belongs to a Wizard who I just met. So I did.

Apparently i need to give offerings to these apple looking spirits.

#003 Paranormal Activity 

Mayor Lewis showed me the inside of the Community Center. He told me that it looked like shit, because evil corp Joja is trying to take over, or something.

Inside, some apples with arms and legs were floating around but he didn't see them! 

I've explored and found weird scriptures. 

#002 Meeting the Townsfolk (Spring,Year 1)

Walked around talking to a few of these cunts my new neighbours. If this is anything like Harvest Moon, i will later buy their love and/or friendship with material goods!

Also, how come no one told me about Pam? She's the best! Life goals right here.

Demetrius is hot and a scientist. I thought i'd picked who to in-game shag, but apparently he's married and the game does not recognise divorce.

FINE. WHATEVER.

Whilst playing Stardew Valley, i felt the odd need to write a game diary about it. Here it is:

#001 A New Life

Grandpa, who is pre Coca-Cola Santa, dies and gives me a secret envelope to open when my life sucks the hardest. I somehow managed to keep down the morbid curiosity and not open it straight away.

Already two things i can’t relate to, rich relatives and will power.

Years later, my life, as foreseen by grandfather, is shit. I was sick of my job at Joja and of my very old Pentium-looking pc monster.

As i pick up grandpa’s letter, i discover that I’ve inherited his farm. So, in route to Stardew Valley, I traded a life of stress for one in the country.

Except my farm is a shit hole!

*stress levels increase*

 The Carpenter greets me at the station and the Mayor, who was for some reason inside my house, welcomes me into his town.