ԍₒₒᵳ 𝒟I 𝟟𝟟ꫝꫀꪖ𝕣

Geez

I want to delete everything and start over

I fucking hate him, and I'm definitely not going to date him. He's already liked two of my friends, damn it, he obviously only started liking me because he had no other option, or because he probably wants some comfort. He thinks I'm a naive little girl. I could rip his dick off.

I STARTED liking him 2 years ago (in mid-2024), but after I realized he liked a friend of mine (who I was starting to get close to), I simply erased all my feelings, only for him to start liking me 2 years later, after he was rejected by another friend of mine (my best lesbian friend).

I definitely don't want to date him, I'm like 97% sure of that, but damn, sometimes I watch him from afar, I find him attractive. He's like a strong, chubby guy now, because he's been going to the gym. His face is even thinner, but it's full of pimples, but I don't really have a problem with that. I think about what it would be like if I went out with him (not sexually). He's the kind of guy who thinks he's wiser and smarter than everyone else (which isn't that hard to find in my class, HAHAHA). He acts like a mature person, but at the same time you can tell he's immature (like a normal teenager), which makes him more attractive to me in a way. But sometimes I look at him and feel almost a disgust (which I feel for almost everyone at various specific moments).

I want to refuse it, but lately it's making me up.

I just watched my life flash before my eyes as if I were in a vegetative state lol. I almost planned my end haha ( ´_ゝ`)

I don't want to be a "depressed, rebellious teenager" anymore. Actually, I don't know what I want now. Or a pure lamb. I don't want to be anything.

Right now I'm in a state where I don't feel anything. I don't feel like doing anything. But I'm not really depressed. I'm just... kind of neutral, or something like that.

I'm back in school and, like, whatever. But now I have to figure out some direction, a college, a job, anything.

Nothing new has happened in my life lately, I think...

I don't even feel the urge to cut myself. I don't even have libido either

I love how thin my waist is, how visible my collarbone is, but I hate how thin my arms are.

I hate how easily boys can pull and push me without me being able to fight back. But the idea of ​​my maybe future romantic partner being able to hold me and lift me easily is simply very pleasant and romantic to me.

I hate the fact that my cousins, who are children, weigh the same as me (or close to it), and I hate the fact that people are always commenting on my body whenever they can and making jokes about it (especially the pot-bellied men in my family).

🤭

I'm freaking out.