50 First Dates

So for this date I made the impromptu decision to go see Scream 7. I had one hell of a work day and I just decided to grab a ticket and a margarita and watch a movie. There was a theatre not too far from where I lived that had closed, been remodeled and reopened.

Watching a scary movie was a way for me to disconnect from reality for a while. Especially a movie from the Scream franchise. They’re all so hardly believable and somewhat corny but with decent plots. I didn’t have to worry about trying to drag along someone who would whine about my love of horror movies. And it seemed like the older I get the cheaper the men get and the more ready they are to not go beyond a free booty call. No thank you. Not the life Jesus died on the cross for me to have. Some men complain about my tastes. Like going to a movie theatre where the seats don’t recline being beneath me. If a guy doesn’t want a call back he definitely can achieve that by taking me to a theatre where I gotta sit up straight the whole time. Extra points if the seats heat up. I deserve that. Plus it feels good on my ‘maturing’ back. When I think about it I find asking for these minimal comforts being a point of contention for some men just flabbergasting. But I’m glad I know how to treat myself.

All jokes aside, I like to do what I call ‘valued activities’ after experiencing something stressful. I work with children doing mental health assessments all day. And CRISIS assessments, meaning I’m responding to high acuity situations all day. Some days I have to take a breath after going off the clock and this was one of those days. The distraction felt good and I am glad it gave me a chance to reset.

For this date, I bought a ticket to the Goodman Theater to check out a play, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. I had seen the rendition of this August Wilson masterpiece on Netflix starting the late great Chadwick Boseman. I enjoyed the film rendition and I adore August Wilson. This live performance definitely did it justice. I had no second thoughts at all about going to see it solo. I didn’t want to throw out a Facebook post and get those ‘interested’ responses under my post from people who can’t commit. I definitely wasn’t going to miss the play waiting on a man to take me. I got a decent seat for under $40 and I didn’t feel like having a man feel like he had to take me on 50 coffee dates before he decided I was worth the ‘investment’ of 30-something bucks. At my big age of 44, having those types of conversations is not the life Jesus died on the cross for me to have.

I treated myself because I deserved it. I deserved the night out. I deserved the peace. I deserved the lack of pressure. I dressed cute, did my make and hopped my beautiful Black behind right out my door. It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had in a long time. The performance pulled you in and plucked the right heart strings. E. Faye Butler did an amazing job embodying Ma Rainey. I would pay to see it again. I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I took myself. I’m even more glad that, like in another point in my development, I didn’t have to convince myself I was worth it…

So for this date I decided to take myself to the museum. I love fashion and art. So this day I decided to visit the Griffin Museum of Science and Industry to check out the Paul Tazewell exhibit and a Black Creativity juried art exhibit. It was a great way to immerse myself in Black excellence. I used to dress outside of the box - play with patterns, colors and even incorporate my experimentation into the way I wore my hair. I wore shirt cropped blonde haircuts, wear out of the box natural hairstyles and stood out when I walked down the street. Although I have boho braids now, I still feel like I color more inside of the lines than I used to. I used to wear heels that sent my already 5 foot 8 inch frame into the sky. I looked less like everyone else. I got up and painted my face, bought a ticket and ran out the door. I got so much inspiration from looking at this art and the way people expressed themselves with their hands and the way they expressed themselves through style and form. The days following after this I began to pay more attention to my own style and ‘shop my closet’. The next week I checked the exhibit out again with a friend. But it was good to spend that time with myself….

For date #2, I decided to take myself on a beautiful scenic walk on the beach. I live in a very walkable neighborhood and wanted to incorporate this into my initiative. I was supposed to go get my hair done and when my hairdresser flaked out, I was left up, awake and fully dressed at 6 in the morning. It was a beautifully warm morning and I grabbed my toy poodle and headed to the lakefront to watch the sunrise.

It was so beautiful. I got to spend some time with myself and get some much-needed exercise at the same time. Doing this reminded me of how blessed I am to live in a place where I feel safe enough to walk around at that time in the morning and have some things in my neighborhood to enjoy. I have lived places were that was not a safe possibility. I had to leave out at the break of dawn to run to jobs that I didn't even want to go to. Jobs that made me rise early just to work me until late in the day and send me home with a broken body and aching feet. I had no job to run to this day. I had the morning off and later went to get my hair braided before spending a few hours working from home. Taking that walk set the tone for the rest of my day and weekend.

So, I decided to check out a movie that I had seen a preview for. It was very impromptu. I was working and it was the end of my shift. I threw my work backpack in the backseat of my SUV and walked into the theater chugging both my phones. I checked out some final messages from work and didn't even bother to pick up my phone when it fell under the seat until after the credits were rolling. I was trying to make sure I had on the perfect outfit, perfect hairdo and perfect makeup. I decided to watch Crime 101, a new Halle Berry flick, that turned out being a great choice. I felt so good afterwards. A plus was that as I was leaving, there was a premier that was ending and out walked none other than Tyriq Withers and Maika Monroe. There were too many people trying to get a photo opp but I think I would have been too tired to try if there weren't.

I was glad that I got right to it. I had some good sleep that night.

Last year, I had this idea that I would take myself out on 50 dates, document and blog about it. Long story short....life started life-ing and I punked out and put that idea on hiatus. However, I decided to revisit this again. There are 310 days left in this year, and I only have to use 50 of them to get to know myself.

I have experienced a world of trauma within the past decade. Over the last year a lot of things have been turning around. For the better. Life is starting to feel like a downhill battle. But when trials cease, they sometimes leave behind residue and if we don't take the time to sift through all of it, it may begin to taint our proverbial new shoes. I decided to take the time to examine and be mindful of how I move around. I want to make sure that as life continues to grow brighter and more enjoyable that I don't dim the sunlight with shadows of yesterday's pain.

Because trauma will do that.

Trauma is like that dirty screen on your grandmama's back door. Like flies and dried dirty raindrops, it will cause you to miss the clear picture of what's on the other side. Everyone you interact with will always need CIA-level security clearance before you feel safe with them. Everyone who tries to build any type of relationship with you - professional, romantic, friendships - will have to pass a test connected to a course of life that they had absolutely nothing to do with. And it isn't fair - for them or you. So, you owe yourself the gift of clearing the lens, the freedom of operating in the authentic beauty God created you to be and the audacity to live in freedom. Suspicion is such a cage.

So I decided that I will take this time to get to know myself. Indulge in what I once loved but have since abandoned. Explore things I have thought about but never touched.

Sit in that restaurant in the booth with the wonderful view wearing that dress I've been dying to wear and put to use.

Attend that opera performance.

Have that picnic on the beach.

Dance until I sweat and conjure muscle aches.