Are you lost?

I need to get out of here. It's all too much. I have no idea how anyone can keep themselves sane in the upside down world.

Whenever I see a liminal space, something in my heart stirs. A little forgotten fragment of mine that's lost in places I can never go to. I desperately want to step into every liminal space I see. I want to run in endless fields, and follow the powerline towers beyond the horizon. I want to run through empty malls, and lay on the floors of empty basements. I want to walk the empty streets, and stare at a bright, sunless sky.

A piece of me knows that the absence of anything else will terrify me. I would start running, running away from things that aren't there, and I'd do it happily. Run with my breath never faulting, and my legs never giving out, because I suspect you would never get tired there, no matter the last time you slept.

I'm afraid of the dark, but not of that dark. That dark is merely a hug in between the places you want to go, or the edge of the destination itself.

I want to go to the lonely lights, walk in snow-drenched neighborhoods, sit in at an empty birthday party.

I want to forget that time exists, see clock faces without any hands. And I want time to forget that it has to pass me by. I want to go to a time that never was, and never will be.

I want to play all the games in an empty arcade, and eat at the darkened neon food court. I only wish to see incandescent lights and neon bulbs, not the endless LEDs that line the highways.

I want to walk between buildings in the dark, without fear of being followed. I want to sit on top of bridges and buildings and walls, and never fall off.

I'd want to do it alone. Be entirely alone with my memories in places I am familiar with and have never been to. I want to sit in a room that's not mine, and claim it as my own.

I want to hear the silence and the sound. Hear the quiet that comes with nothing. Hear the sound of what it's like to dream and never wake up.

I want to step out of this place. Out of these feelings and fears; pluck the anxiety out of my chest, place it on the floor, and watch it scamper under my bed.

When I look at these places, liminal spaces, the feelings change. 

Anxiety goes, and comfort replaces. 

I want to step out of this world, and step in between the here and the there. Head away from what's bad, and towards something good.

I want to sit in dark parks, swing on snow-covered swing sets without getting cold. I want to live, without being reminded by the little pains here and there that remind me that I will die.

Speaking of friends, i hope there would be friends there. I dont care what they would have for a head: an eye, a bird, or merely a skull. I'd just want them to be nice, and up for a walk along abandoned train tracks.

Maybe I'd look different too, over there. In visible body, no face, and the most brilliant eyes you'd ever seen. Maybe I could change day to day, look just how I was feeling. Maybe i could finally express my thoughts and feelings the same way the voice in my head does.

But I cant go there. Cant walk through a doorway and not come out on the other side. Cant walk behind a tree and appear behind another. Cant escape the rat in my chest that scurries and skitters under my ribs and over my heart.

But I can pretend, I guess. Pretend that I took the old tv remote, and hit pause, and I kept going while the world stopped. Pretend to walk empty roads, run around empty houses and malls, and pretend I dont have anything wrong with me.

I've heard most of the music that people listen to for this: hey kids, still life, deep swim, mice on venus, dry hands and all of the other songs on popular playlists.