I wouldn’t mind if you just hit me with your car

It’s been 10+ years already

Of me feeling like this

Of me wanting to k myself

I’m hitting my head on walls again…

Just to feel something

Just to make it go away

This f little voice who keeps on repeating

There’s nothing left in me.

No emotions

It’s not sadness or anger

I’m so frustrated

Bc I know the only way to make this feeling go away is cutting.

But I promised him I wouldn’t

And he’s got so much more important $hit to care about

Than me been a 20 year old sad b

I feel so stupid

Every time I swallow I feel like throwing up

Every little binge crisis makes me collapse

Bc I haven’t been feeling happy unless I’m with him

And i do NOT wish to be like this

This is so toxic

I don’t want this for me or him

I’m so fup he deserves someone healthy

I’m so tired

I hate when he leaves

Why do I only find confort on clothes that smell like him now ?

I totally forget where, when and practically who I am

It’s really weird

And I really don’t like it

It’s like I know who I am

But at the same time I don’t ?

I remember what I did yesterday but was that me?

I feel so disconnected from everything

It’s such a hard feeling to describe

I’m probably not making any sense really

Idk

Sometimes I suddenly start feeling like shit

I get really sad

And I want to cry but I can’t

Kinda feels like I don’t have any tears

I’m sad? But I am not feeling any emotions at the same time

I start to feel this strong pressure on my chest

It’s hard for me to breath

My head starts to hurt a lil bit

But I don’t understand

Not me just relapsing on everything 🧍‍♀️

(Tw everything fake)

I love you so much but I’m relapsing and I genuinely don’t want you to relapse bc of me.

I’m genuinely considering leaving you.

I’m so scared to hurt you.

I’m so scared that you’ll leave me.

I know I’m fup but I’m genuinely trying I swear.

I wish i could get better for you.

I wish I could stop hurting myself.

I wish I could like eating.

I wish I could stop using.

I wish I felt like I was good enough.

I wish I didn’t felt like ending me everyday.

I wish we could be healthy and happy together.

But I don’t think I’m capable of that much.

I need to get my grades up or I won’t be able to get into the program I want

I need to stop spending money on things I don’t need

I need to study for my exams

I need to do my project finals

I need to eat normally… or at least try

I need to stop taking drugs or again at lest try

I need to go to the doctor

I need to fight the urge of cutting myself a little longer

I need to talk to him about what we are

I need to tell him we can’t date because im bad for him

I need to get better

Or at least try

I need to find motivation to do everything I just said

And I still want to kill myself

My ed is still here

I still feel like im not good enough at anything

I still feel like im not worthy of love

I’m a drug addict

And yet

I’m still alive

Because I’m coward

I’ve been one ever since I’m 10

Let’s see how long I’ll last

And I can’t

I can’t help you

Because I’m just like you

And I hate myself

I can’t with all the hate and negativity in my head.

Turns out I was right and there was something wrong with me medically. The pain and irregularities of my period wasn’t normal.

Fuck you mom for never caring enough and taking me to the doctor. I had to wait 5 years and you wasn’t even the one that cared enough to make an appointment, my sister did.

Yeah I’m 19 now and I could’ve done it myself, but I’ve been asking you to take me ever since I’m 14 and that’s not on me. I hope you feel really shitty.

Every time I try to forgive and forget you for giving me an ed you come up with some $hit like this.