Random.

I honestly don’t want to think about it. There are times when I suddenly just remember those words and how you said them. I’m zoning out. Sometimes, you’ll notice and you’ll ask. I’ll say it’s nothing then I’ll just shake my head just to forget them.

Him: Anong tinitignan mo?

Me: Prices

Him: Ano yung better ashtray?

Me: ..... (looked at him and chuckled) Ahh, nagbabasa lang ng blog

Legit na natawa ako sa ashtray!!!! =)))) Seryoso pa naman ako sa pagsulat. Buti nalang yun yung pagkabasa nya kunde nabisto pang may blog ako dito. =))

To be fair, things are “quite” getting better. People are getting more insensitive, environment is getting light. Thankful for that. I hope it stays the way it is or better.

I just can’t help thinking. There came a time that we were so close to our dream but I guess we chose what’s more important than what we really want. We chose what’s beneficial to a larger number than the two of us. I guess, we also chose peace. It was/is sad. Because we are finding it hard to get what’s really ours, to continue that dream. We almost had it but we had to wait. We are still waiting. I know God has plans. But sometimes, I think, where did it go wrong? How much of it was wrong? Did we really fail but at what part? I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m being strangled, like I don’t have any other choice, like I’m stuck.

I never once thought that it will cross my mind. Looks like I don’t know myself after all. Or maybe, I changed.

Hey, yes you.

If ever I’m gone, I want you to blame yourself. Blame yourself for the times that you were only thinking about yourself, when you were insensitive at all, when we were begging you to understand but you just chose to believe yourself, when we said we couldn’t take it anymore but you didn’t listen, when we told you we’ve had enough and we’re already on the edge but you just ignored and acted as the victim.

I want you to blame yourself and say “I should’ve listened. I should’ve cared. I should’ve been more understanding. I should’ve not been selfish.” But I won’t be there to see that.

You are probably wondering why you are still strong, why you keep rationalizing, why you keep doing things over again even if they are hard, why you believe it will be better, because there is God. 

You never stopped believing that God has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and that all things work together for good. Despite the things that are happening, even though you cry really hard at night, even though you think sometimes that you are better gone to be free from all the pressure, you still believe there’s this slightest chance that time will come, it will all be better and worth it. And you hold on to that chance because of the merciful God.

You’re probably wondering why you think this way. Most of the time, you think you’re over reacting. They say you can think of happy thoughts instead of problems. They tell you to focus on the bright side of things. They tell you to pray always and believe it will be better (I believe so too!).

What they don’t know is you try hard everyday, you do all that. But there are just people causing your pain repeatedly and that’s how easy to bring back overthinking and anxiety. You just have to accept the pain all over again and wish the next day would be worry-free. 

But then this is how it goes:

It didn’t get better over time.

Would it really get better?

What if it doesn’t?

Just believe it would be better.

Then it doesn’t.

There are tons of reason why they don’t understand how you feel or why you think that way.

There are different battles people deal with everyday. We don’t have any right to say this is easy and that is hard even though we think so because people value things differently.

Maybe things are just better for others than you.

It’s better if you wake up and cook your own breakfast then head to work, not wake up early in the morning because of loud voices, discussing petty issues.

It’s better if you just have to wait to clock out from work, go home and watch Netflix and not think about another issue/concern that will be raised to you because it’s probably just their hobby.

It’s better if you can just spend your spare time browsing on Facebook or Tiktok, not obsessively thinking over some details because one simple mistake can be held against you.

It’s better if you share the work with people you work with and discuss things in a usual way, not carry all the work and burden and still get criticized in the end.

It’s better if you just dress the way you feel or feel confident for some days and not be told about what you have to wear because of superstitions that you don’t practice in the first place.

It’s better if you just have to deal with difficult people occasionally, not work and live with them as if your life depends on them.

It’s better if you can just easily cut off people from your life because it’s not working for you and for them anymore, but not with family. 

I just like it blurred. Hehe