Daily W.a.nderings

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

Ambition is something I have always adored but also never really experienced.

Because it is something that pushes you forward, even with all of the hard work and dedication that the thing that you want to do requires.

It is something that shows up in the most amazing ways, with goals accomplished and desires seen through and effort shown to be actually worthy of praise.

But it is something that I tend to love to see, because people are amazing and lovely, but also never really found for myself.

Because I struggle with the hard work and effort portion.

I have desires and goals and dreams and things to chase after but my tank for both dedication and determination and motivation aren’t on par with the ones who get labelled as being ambitious. 

I tend to burn out easily and also go for the easy way out and also can be considered a coward in most regards.

I don’t enjoy pushing myself too hard and honestly would rather be a potato that gives out ideas for others to fulfill than go out and do them myself.

But there will be small blibs of ideas, small snippets of an opportunity that catches my eye and makes me want to take a step forward to make it to the end result.

But I wouldn't label it as me being ambitious.

Maybe would go for a tentative passion, or at least something that will be continuing on for a little longer than the three days it takes for most to quit because the idea wasn’t really ever a good one.

Like this blog.

But whether you have the ambition or just have a bit of a hobby growing, or finally considered the passions that you have been sitting on, I hope that you would give it a try.

Because you don’t have to be ambitious to do amazing things; you don’t have to have ambitious friends to be proud of them.

No matter what some people say.

And let’s be honest here.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

Because as some, if not most, of you will know, it is the first day of the last month of the year 2019.

(Depending on when I post this, don’t come at me if this is late, we all know I don’t do the time well.)

And can I say that is has been quite the wild ride getting here?

I mean, things have happened and the world has changed and everything seems to have forgotten that there are actual people living on the planet, but 2019 has been quite the year for most of us.

And while I would love to hate it, especially for the more dogmatic points in the timeline , I also guess we should take from this and learn and be grateful.

Because I feel like we did learn a lot from this year, even if most of us probably weren’t stuck in a room with a teacher all day.

Or crammed into a cubicle without any rights until traffic makes us stay longer sp we don’t get stuck.

Or at home, contemplating how we managed to survive this long when half the world blazed on.

But we learned, and lived, and hopefully put to death some of the demons that honestly were doing nothing more than be actual freaks. 

And I think that is quite the accomplishment, to have made it through the year, whether it be unscathed or mildly injured or severely damaged.

We are at the end and we have made it this far and soon, the decade shall turn and we shall all be only mildly prepared at best for the new era of living in the 2020s.

Because I have an inkling that this will begin an era and while I might - or might not, let’s be completely honest - keep my opinions to myself, I do want to encourage everyone to fight on in these last days.

Because the dawn is coming and I feel like we should hold on just a little bit longer.

And let’s be honest here.

So.

Let’s backtrack as we wander and wonder for a bit.

Of course, as I might have predicted and silently prayed against, I have once again fallen behind, this time a bit more than the last.

But I think it is still okay.

Especially because I feel like I have been writing the tiny snippets and basic ideas; I just haven’t been proving that my writing has existed outside this hellsite that we have decided to call home.

But writing has come and here we stand at thirty days - give or take, depending on when I post and when you read - and I feel like it is both a true accomplishment and something that probably shouldn’t be considered for too long.

Because I did it; I got to thirty days and have pressed forward, even if both my motivation and determination have begun to slightly deteriorate.

I am still alive and hopefully so are you, and here we stand on thirty days, at the end of the maybe-actual month, with days still ahead of us as I stubbornly say that I will not let this blog die, even if I am the only one routing for its continued existence.

Because, yes, I did make it to thirty days of writing and sharing and pretending that people read, but I also have only made it to thirty days, and slightly inconsistently at that.

I made it to this milestone and while it isn’t the only milestone I made it to, it isn’t the last milestone I could make it to..

There are many more milestones waiting for me and hopefully, I will continue on to make it to the bigger ones, without dying on the way there.

Because I have slightly great expectations for this little bit of life I am only beginning to commit to and I want to push this until I honestly couldn’t push anymore.

And I hope some, if any, would want to stick around for that.

But for now, I will be proud and content and slowly planning my next steps, for my next ten days.

Because as long as I have a shot, I don’t really want to give this up.

And let’s be honest here.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

So, as we head into December and into the end of the things, and all that jazz, I feel like I can talk a little bit about a not-so-pleasant subject. 

Bad thoughts. 

Now, this year in particular, has been riddled with bad thoughts and personally, I get kind of wrapped up in them. 

You know, the thoughts that make you regret, and doubt, and overthink. 

The thoughts that lead to overwhelm, defeat, stress, and anxiety. 

The thoughts that, no matter how much we kid, never really leave our heads. 

And mine won't either. 

But just, can you imagine living without them? 

Being able to have a peace that isn't determined by whatever it is people use to not think nowadays? 

To live and think and not have to backtrack as you beg your head to drag itself out of the hole before you start spiraling? 

I can't imagine that, living without having to constantly nag at myself that bad thoughts don't help anything.

Because they don't, even if we are absolutely over being telling us that.

But they are present and real and just, I can't imagine not having them. 

It is a weird concept, to so want something gone but being unable to see yourself without it. 

It probably dampens your spirits and makes you wonder after the effort and outcome. 

You probably don't see yourself getting rid of the thoughts and certainly don't see them fixing themselves any time soon. 

But I still want to believe it is possible. 

Maybe not for us, or not for the present, or not for the majority. 

But if even one person could stop thinking the bad thoughts, even if that person isn't you or me, I think that would the world just a little bit better. 

And let's be honest here. 

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

As we fall into the last month of the year - and the decade, for everyone out in the world reminding people - I think we can all relate to setting up action plans for the coming days.

I have seen and heard a lot of talk of making plans and putting forth effort in order to make 2020, and the years after, much better for both the generations and the World as a whole. 

And it makes me wonder about the different types of action plans that we will be seeing from everyone, in both the World as a whole and in our own little worlds.

Because - and let’s be honest here, it’s Tumblr after all - what do we want to see come from the turning of the decade and the coming of the new year?

Do you want to see growth in your life??

Maybe we want this year to be the one of independence and living instead of surviving?

Do we want to change the World finally or maybe just switch our own environment for the betterment of our lives?

Do we want to focus on one issue or will this be the decade that we tackles to foundations that found us in this hellhole in the first place?

There is a lot to consider and even more to ponder about but if we could let our mind wander and wonder, what sorts of things would pop up for the year 2020?

My hopes are small, might even be considered quite lacking to a giant few, but I tend to dream about just being able to live.

To have a name and a life and it be as simple as that.

It’s a terrible idea and quite stupid, as I have heard from many, but this is my dream and while it hasn’t come true in the least since the last turn of the decade, I can’t help but get excited.

Because 2020 is coming, a new decade is forming and maybe, my little dream will mean a lot more tomorrow than it ever did yesterday.

And let’s be honest here.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

I think everyone - and yes, I do mean everyone this time - has felt that little twitch that comes whenever we develop regrets.

For some people, it’s right after we do something, regret slapping us in the face as soon as we have committed to whatever ridiculous action we didn’t think through.

Some people have to think through the scenario or situation before regret drops a giant rock into the pit of their stomach and they’ve realized they’ve made a terrible mistake.

Some people tend to get hit in the back of the head with regret after a while, but I would like to think that is does come around.

But, no matter when or how, it’s something that has become such a normal thing for us humans that we now strive to “live without regrets” and follow our hearts and souls so we don’t wake up at fifty and realize that our lives could have been more.

And some people take on that realization a lot sooner and some tend to relive their lives in their mind, getting lost in the “could haves” and “what ifs” of the past.

And while that can be a good thing, it might not be the best thing either?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think we all know by now that I could easily get lost in both sides of the coin of regret but sometimes I wonder if that’s what’s happening to the world too..

Living without regrets can have serious consequences and living with only regrets can make you feel like nothing is worth doing.

So maybe we just need to find a balance, if there is even one to find, and try to live without, even if some regrets come.

Because they will and trust me, you don’t want to be living life without them until one decides to snap your existence out of its happy place.

Maybe we just have to lead with the example that sometimes, we regret our actions but that shouldn’t mold out the rest of our days?

And maybe we all have friends that think like this, and maybe we don’t, but I’ll be honest here, I am still unsure about a subject like this.

So.

Let’s wonder and wander off from the normal things of Life for a bit..

Because, as is tradition for most of our themed days out of our mostly themed years, I think I am somehow morally obligated to discuss the Turkey Day.

Now, as is my usual form of protest, I will, of course, not be talking about the genocide of thousands and the actual glamorized ideals that made us into public enemy number one, and will instead be talking about, you’ve guessed it, turkey.

It stinks.

I mean, let’s get real for a second.

It is tough and chewy and has an off aftertaste and honestly, isn’t even that great to start off with!

It’s just another bird that everyone was desperate enough to consume, probably because all the chickens, pigs, and cows were all dead.

And because, you know, cannibalism is kind of- 

Not really an option anymore.

Anyways, moving on.

I think I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where, since we literally had every single person who ever bore our last name present, I was lucky enough that, as long as I served myself, I didn’t have to eat the disgust of the Thanksgiving table.

(Which would be the turkey, for those of you who thought I wasn’t serious.)

And I think my whole family kind of has the right mindset for these kind of weirdly obligatory events.

We always, of course, have the apparently edible turkey, eyeing everyone down because it knows it was only killed to be frozen leftovers until next year, but we also have the true stars of the show, the ham and the obviously-more-delicious-than-nasty-pumpkin-pie apple pie!

And I am lucky enough to be living in a time of revival; maybe by next year, we will no longer be focusing on disgusting food and actually leaning towards the real issues of life.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

Like, the obviously long title that no one asked for.

It took me a (very tiny) bit of thinking to actually go along with it, because it is long and more don’t want to hear the same cliche little sentence ending and it is a little weird, as I have been doing great with short little one-word titles for a while now.

(I know about Playing Catch-up; shush and just listen, okay?)

But I think this kind of encompasses my mild mood for right now.

Because I tend to chicken out on things and when that happens, I honestly think more of, “Why would I do this?” and never really consider, “But what if I just went for it?”

Like this title or writing this little post; like putting up this blog or even considering doing something every day for the rest of my, hopefully annoyingly long, life.

Because - and yes, I know this is cliche - when you put your mind to it, I think you could do it, even if you have regrets about it.

Yeah, it might suck and you might end up screaming into the void all by yourself and others might not even glance your way, but.

Just put your mind to it, and not in the, “Just do it” kind of way.

More of a, “Find the way to do it without throwing yourself into a pit of horrible chaos” kind of way.

Because anyone can just do it, and many people do just that, but there are too few and far between that actually can put their minds to something and have an end result.

And that end result doesn’t have to be success; you can have a lot of people who have found failure once they’ve decided to do something.

But that isn’t really the point.

Or, at least in my opinion, it shouldn’t be.

Let’s stop this weird notion that things that we put our mind to have to either end in perfection or success and let’s start considering that even failure is something to gain, when we put our mind to it.

Because let’s be honest here.

We all know of friends, and many other unfortunate souls, just like that.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

Because there is something safe in repetition; doing the same thing over and over, day after day, and knowing that it will follow the same unnamed guidelines it always has since you started.

It’s a good thing, most of the time, because humans - and the rest of us wackos - tend to enjoy the things that don’t randomly go boom in our faces or wait until the morning to off themselves bc we’ve been mistreated them for years on end. 

But it can also be a bad thing.

Like repeating something, with fail, on end, can become mundane, and boring, and even detrimental, especially when you are doing something is neither very helpful nor progressive.

Watering the plants one water bottle everyday just so you can water them everyday probably isn’t helping anyone, Susan.

Making the same coffee for the office every day can get very annoying for no one but yourself, Karen.

Because, as the crazy species of apparent intelligent life that we are, while we enjoy repetition, we also tend to flip onto our sides and decide that, not only do we hate repetition, we also find it bad for our health.

So, it becomes a comfort that slowly leaks poison into our souls, and only be the tough fighting power of Oxi-Clean can we get some balls and actually stop doing the legit same thing every day.

Which, I might add, tends to be extremely hard.

Because comfort is something that most people run to, even if it bites and scratches and calls us names.

So, breaking repetition can be hard.

And most of the time, it takes a lot of effort.

Motivation and all of that fun stuff.

But, we can also make it a little easier on ourselves.

You don’t need to climb a mountain to have an epiphany and you don’t have to throw yourself into chaos to make a change that could help you.

Just take a second to explore and discover, participate and navigate.

Because let’s not kid ourselves.

So. 

Let’s wander and wonder for a bit.

Because, first and foremost, I haven’t done much of this for a bit.

Life happens and when it does, my main focus is to survive and I tend to drop everything else to the sidelines and just, try to make it through the days.

So we end up with a lot of missed time.

And that usually means I have missed out on things.

Like keeping up my relatively consistent streak of at least not falling behind by a day or so.

Like getting through the awkward phase of running a blog for a month with the barest hint that people actually read through my crappy ramblings.

Like getting the satisfaction of least knowing that I am screaming into the Void of Tumblr, even if the moron never seems to scream back.

I miss out.

And as someone who tends to overthink and often doubt, when I miss out on things - even the small ones that comes from doing a little thing like this - I get anxious.

And trust me, this tends to happen a lot.

Enough that, when it started for this round, I just, quit.

It was a weird feeling.

To be missing out and slowly realizing that it might not matter as much as I wanted it to, which resulted in that inky blackness that some, if not all, of us have at least seen in our lives.

And when you live with the inky blackness, missing out becomes a lot less stressful and a lot more dangerous. 

But, a wander for another time.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, even if I have been silent from screeching for a week or so.

Yes, I have missed out and yes, you have as well, and yes, I will probably be backtracking and uploading more than usual to catch up, but.

It’s probably okay.

Because we’ve only missed out on a week.

The rest of our lives are waiting, even if the doubt and the sense of failure and the desire to quit try to hang around for a month after.

I will deal and you will deal and maybe we can help each other deal with the things together.

Because let’s be honest here.

So.

Let’s wander and wonder about letters for a bit.

I actually like them.

They are nice and written and can hold anywhere from a few words to a few pages of just, life stuff.

Daily stuff, random things.

Letters hold infinite potential for literally anything.

You can tell a story in a letter; you can give someone a good laugh with a blurb or joke; you can send regards or love or condolences or just updates.

They are magical pockets of communication that don’t even require you to talk to the person, because you are talking to the paper who is kind enough to record and reiterate your words back to whoever you send it to.

And if they don’t like it?

Who cares, it’s a letter.

Or, what if they love it?

Probably will send you a letter right back and what a surprise that would be, am I right?

It’s just, this really nice and old thing that people used to do, simply for the reason of sitting down and pouring yourself out and connecting in a way that I find to be a whole different level of intimate communication. 

And I can hear some of you now: “What if I suck at writing letters?”

“What if no one wants my letters?”

“What if I get made fun of or sneered at?”

What is no one ever opens a letter from me?”

And to all of those, I say: I will.

I don’t care if you suck and I want them and it’s admirable and I would always open letters from people.

Because they are like little pieces of yourself, ones that you wrapped up and got together and sent on their way, just for the reason of someone else to handle.

Like a piece of your puzzle, ready to fill an empty spot and get everyone that one step closer to seeing your true picture.

And just think about it with me!

It would be such an amazing thing, to receive letters, because they are a different kind of effort and it is one that I truly revel in and appreciate.

And I know I am not the only one.

Because let’s be honest here.

So.

It takes about twenty-one days to build a habit.

I know this because I have read every single habit building blog, book, written/electronic piece of willy-waddle out there.

(Actually have not, don’t @ me.)

But, most of them agree that is takes about that long to form enough of a habit where you leave the “forcing yourself because of [insert random excuse here]” point and slowly inch your dying soul into the “this is now a lot easier and mindless to do” point of the habit process.

It’s where your motivation becomes your determination and your drive sets into commitment.

So let’s wander and wonder about this for a bit.

Now, as someone who is slowly building a habit, and has now surpassed that twenty-one day mark, I have to tell you.

I feel no different.

It might be a little bit easier, writing words and throwing it into the void of space that I have claimed in this hallhole, but most for the most part, nothing really has changed.

I am not striving forward now, the spark hasn’t ignited once again and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier than that first day where I was actually writing.

But, while it may have not gotten easier, it has gotten more relaxed.

I am demanding the words from the brain as often.

I am finding the random things that I had once wished laid already typed for me.

That secret formula that I was looking for seems to have silently seeped into my trashy posts.

And I guess that’s the actual nature of this twenty-one day landmark.

It’s not that it gets magically easier or any better or infinitely more bearable.

You just get used to the grind.

And you’re ready for the next twenty-one days. 

No matter how they form.

And let’s be honest.

We all have tried to form habits like this.