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The Devil Gets New Tenant: Aaron Hernandez

Wednesday in Hell was a special day for the Devil. It started out as usual. He turned on FOX expecting to watch his favorite daytime personality, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer bumble, stumble and lie his way through another press briefing. But then came the news: Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez hanged himself in his maximum security prison cell in Massachusetts.…

Kristaps Porzingis Too Tall: Phil Jackson

“Rounding third is Alvarez — the throw home — up the third base line — Pirates win! Pirates win! Raise the Jolly Roger!!!”

God, sound asleep at his desk missed Pittsburgh’s walk off win flickering on his old 19″ Philco. But he wouldn’t be asleep for long because the Devil had other plans. The master of evil, wearing his green Boston Celtics jersey tip toed past God’s assistant Evelyn Lincoln and…

God, the Devil & Geno Smith

God stood up and pounded his fist on his desk. “Sacrilege! This Colonel Sanders is an insult to the chicken world!” His secretary Evelyn Lincoln buzzed him.

“Everything OK in there pops?” she asked in her nasally voice. Just then the Devil whisked past her and into God’s office.

“Did you see this joker?” asked the Lord. “Darrell Hammond just took a backseat to Adam Sandler as the worst piece of…

God, his hands clasped behind his flowing white robe paced back and forth in his simple, non nondescript office. He stopped suddenly and looked up at a large gold framed picture of a beaming Phil Jackson. “I can create Heaven and Hell and everything in between,” he bellowed. “I can get a stiff like Adam Sandler one movie deal after another…and I can get South Carolina to finally take down that…

God, a Knicks fan kept slapping the side of his old desktop monitor but it continued to flicker. “Dammit Evelyn! When are those geeks going to fix this damn thing?” Outside of his office sat his assistant, former JFK secretary Evelyn Lincoln. Her mind was elsewhere as she thumbed through a stack of files.

“Maybe when the Knicks win the championship Father.” The mid 90’s monitor finally stabilized.

There they were, the two most powerful beings in the universe standing side by side, arms folded, watching a game of tennis doubles at Heavens Court. This particular match had Arthur Ashe and JFK facing Ulysses S. Grant and the late The Match Game host Gene Rayburn.

The Match Game host Gene Rayburn

Ashe had just aced a serve, the ball whistling past the astounded Grant who stood frozen chomping…

The news was grim. Harvey Pekar, the lovable loser from Cleveland had cancer. Then came a feeble knock on the door and God put the movie on pause. “Otto, great to see you again,” said God as he shook the old man’s hand. “Please come in.” God and the late, great Cleveland Browns quarterback Otto Graham pulled up chairs by the Lord’s desk.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjjJmwXtEGA&w=640&h…

God hopes for a Knicks miracle

God, wearing his flowing white robe kicked his sandals upon his simple Ikea desk and leaned back contentedly in his creaky chair. He was in an unusually good mood considering the biker shootout in Waco, Texas a couple of days before. He called his assistant, Evelyn Lincoln on his 1960’s intercom.

“Evelyn, let me know when the Devil gets in.”

“Yes Father,” said the…

It was a slow day down in Hell so the Devil figured he’d treat his buddy Al Capone to one of his favorite movies – “Titanic” with Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslet. The big ship was going down and the two lovers were kissing one last time.

Titanic and Knicks owner James Dolan…Two major disasters

“Sorry boss, but this scene always gets me,” said Capone as he dabbed away a tear. The Devil wasn’t…

Monday morning is the day God and the Devil take a break from their worldly battles to rehash what went on in the world of sports over the weekend.

God pounded on Satan’s office door but the music was so loud – Abba’s “The Winner Take All” – that the Devil himself didn’t realize he had a visitor. So the Lord snapped his fingers and the rusty dungeon door slowly creaked open. There was Satan, in…

“Goddamnit, I got another fat toad on my hands!” screamed the late Yankees owner George Steinbrenner as he paced in God’s office high above Heaven’s Gate Field.

“Calm down George,” said the Lord. “We both know Tanaka’s not fat.”

George Steinbrenner and “The Fat Toad” Hideki Irabu

“Calm down? After I just sank $155 million into this guy?”

“First of all, you’re dead, so you didn’t sink anything…

Tim Tebow Ghost Won’t Go Away

God, dressed in his long flowing white robe smacked the side of his old 19″ Zenith TV and fiddled around with the rabbit ears, but was quickly losing his patience. “Holy Moses! Evelyn, call the repair guys – this piece of junk’s acting up again.” “Will do Father,” said his assistant, former JFK personal secretary Evelyn Lincoln from the outer office.

God’s assistant Evelyn Lincoln

“Baseball’s…

Sports fans can look at the middle of April as real interesting – or real boring. Baseball’s finally underway, but the marathon’s just beginning. The NBA and NHL playoffs are just in the first round so the jewels and the fools have yet to be separated. And the NFL’s pretty quiet after a busy free agent signing period. But we humans aren’t the only ones waiting for the action to pick up. God and…

God

Spring training was underway and God was in a baseball mood. He wanted to look through some of his old scrapbooks but couldn’t find them. He feverishly flipped stuff out of his desk draws — a box of 1930’s Coca Cola bottle caps; a copy of the Magna Carta; a locket of hair from the head of fourth century Greek philosopher Aristotle. “Holy Moses, where the hell are they?” He hit the intercom on…

When the news reached Heaven, George Steinbrenner — known to millions of the living as “The Boss” went nuts. He sat in the front row next to the first base dugout at “Angels Field” in his trademark dark blue windbreaker and shades watching a pickup game between Joe DiMaggio’s “Clippers” and Phil Rizzuto’s “Holy Cows”. He called out to Catfish Hunter, who was having a hard time hitting the…

God finally figures out Twitter

God, in his long, brilliant white Sunday robe tapped the keys on his IPad as he strolled along the dirt path around Pearly Gates Lake. He was so engrossed in a Twitter message that he didn’t notice the two souls dressed in colorful 18th century garb passing the other way.

“Good morning Lord,” said Thomas Jefferson with a bow.

“Father, how wonderful to see you,”…

God stared out of his office window with a blank look. Even the sight of a young and beautiful Lauren Bacall in a pure white negligee floating by on a cloud didn’t register.

Lauren Bacall

“Look at it this way Father,” said Abe Lincoln. “We both know he’s a solid journalist. Reminds me of the photographer we had — Mathew Brady.”

God, his hands clasped behind him looked back at the 16th president.…