I’d do anything,

Take any risk,

To silence my mind,

Therapy, pills, injections,

Surgery,

To remove the part of my brain that screams,

That sets off alarm bells,

Shouts danger,

In every situation,

That makes me check everything twice,

Doubt my place in people’s lives,

In the world,

I’d tear it out myself,

If I could,

Just for silence,

Security,

And the world ceases to exist,

My worries and cares fade into nothing,

There is no past to feel hurt about,

No future to be fearful about,

There’s just us,

Now,

This moment,

Your arms holding us together,

When I wake in the night and reach for you,

My arms will hold you tight,

The disappointment and longing I now feel,

Not because I don’t want you, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything,

But because I don’t deserve you,

I don’t deserve your patience and kindness,

Your comfort and affection,

I don’t deserve your love,

Likewise, you don’t deserve me,

You don’t deserve my flaws,

My worries and fears, my sadness and stress,

My need for your love,

Sometimes I think of giving you up,

Letting you find someone who fills up your heart and lights up your eyes,

Sometimes I think of giving you up,

But my heart is so intertwined with yours,

I don’t think I ever will,

Loving myself has always seemed an impossible task,

But I love us.

I love me and you together,

I love myself when I’m in the same sentence as you,

When I’m enveloped in your arms,

I can love myself through you,

I can love myself through my hand clinging onto yours,

I can love myself through my lips against yours,

Through my arms wrapped around you.

I don’t think I’ll ever love myself,

Your loving arms around me,

Your fingers tracing my spine,

The heat of our intertwined bodies chasing away the cold,

I plant soft kisses on your cheeks,

Feeling your smile widen with each kiss,

Until, finally, your lips meet mine,

And a happiness I’ve never felt before fills me to overflowing,

I am shown a slideshow of my greatest fears,

And the darkest images my mind can conjure,

Sleep only exhausts me,

I wake out of breath,

Chest and lungs aching,

Heart racing,

And it stays with me all day,

My chest weighted,

My eyes wide,

A tension I can’t release,

So I refuse sleep,

Preferring exhaustion from sleepless nights,

To exhaustion from fear,

What would my hands do if they couldn’t hold yours?

What would my arms do if they couldn’t wrap around you?

What would my lips do if they couldn’t kiss yours?

What would my heart do if it couldn’t love you?