twentyfive

I write to live

I live to breathe

I breathe to love

I love to fall

I fall to live

I live to write

I write to tell

I tell to remind

I remind to laugh

I laugh because

That is the only thing

That can be done

To make life

Tick

There are cracks in the floorboard

Tock

And fractures in the wall

Tick

Dying flowers

Scream for my attention

Tock

But I do nothing

Tick

My phone lifeless

No vibrations, no heartbeat

Ignores my will for it to ring

Tock

Each time I inhale

Tick

Is a reminder

Tock

Of times past

Tick

The ashtray overflowing

Chaotic with butt-ends

Clear their intention complete

Tock

The streets laughing

Tick

Heels clicking

Tock

Gears changing

Tick

My room hushed

Tock

The slow burning of paper

Tick

The quick beat of my pulse

Tock

The candle burns

a bitter scent

Tick

And flicker

Tock

Through the puddles

In my eyes

Tick

The buzz of electricity

Running through the walls

Mocks me

Tock

The slow beat of his fatigued heart

Running through his veins

Pains me

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Tick

A safe haven

Cool breeze, warm bodies

A quiet breath, a deep  connection

Bodies in sync

Hearts beating

Bodies sweating

Hair tangled

Legs entwined

A gentle tug

A warm breeze, hot bodies

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Last night…

I rubbed elbows with the moon

Told the stars my secrets

But the clouds knew

What weighed on my heart

This morning…

I burned my skin on the sun

Laughed at the disappearing fire

And emerging rain

But the clouds only knew

What I couldn’t tell

Tonight…

I ignore nature’s nightlight

Disregard my stars

Scream at the secrets

Why does it feel so right

while i lay here,

in your barricaded arms

creating an obstacle of allowing me

to care for another

the way i care for you.

As the early morning sun,

paints the nighttime orange

and your breathing whispers

sweet nothings into my

willing ear,

I realize this is nothing but

me dreaming whilst awake.

Too perfect.

Too real.

But soon,

it will all end.

And you will be gone,

leaving me with nothing but

the bitter taste

of a dream that ended

too soon.

Until once again,

black paints over the orange,

i will always be 10 minutes late...no matter how hard i try to get there on time

i am a hopeless romantic

a cup of coffee or tea with milk and sugar makes me smile

people let you down

i let people down

music is my saving grace and constantly have something on in the background

i like small bedrooms

i romanticize things from my past

my curly hair will forever be unruly

i wont always like myself

but

i should always love myself

i  need to stand up for myself more

i read more books than watch movies

i may not be good at painting but i still love to do it

i cannot help the things i cannot change

traveling is something i must never give up on

im shit at keeping resolutions

i love adventures

bookstores are like a warm fire on a cold night, they always pull me in

the smell of an old book warms my soul

i used to wear more colors and miss that

i have psoriasis

i am forever changing and evolving, i must remember to look back on who i was 5, 10 years ago and smile, not wish that i was that person. there is a reason i am who i am today and need to be proud of it.

i dont always make wise decisions but at least i make decisions about life

writing is more than just a passion, it's my life and i need to do it more, do it often and do it with care.

i will never be the perfect woman: my skin is sometimes flawed, my body will never be like a model's, im 5'2, i will have fat and ugly days, i will envy other's looks and style, i will be jealous of others accomplishments

but i must remember

it's the only skin i have, my body is a temple and i need to appreciate all the things it does provide for me, i will also have thin, beautiful days, beauty is more than just looks, my life is an on-going road with bumps, wrong turns, and back-steps but it is also full of laughter, paved portions, right turns and jumps ahead. i only have one life to live, why not make the most of it.

keep calm and carry on.

 "I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are. "

well, here goes nothing....again. i realized today that my new years resolutions reads exactly like bridget jones diary...you know the scene "“Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobic's, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts. And especially will not fantasize about a particular person who embodies all these things” .

lets start with my vague, cliched resolution number one....it's not so much about losing weight more than getting in shape and having an amazing ass. yes, i want to have one of those info-mercial brazilian butt lift asses. there, i said it. and im sure im not the only one.

resolution number 2: well, that one applies to me as i need to be better about doing laundry but there are a number of resolutions ahead of this one...like quit smoking. yes, i know..it's 2013 and and im STILL smoking (going on 10  years now, yuck). this goes hand in hand with resolution number one because a) health- i dont want to be out of breath after 10 minutes on the stairmaster. b) i dont want to smell like cigs anymore. now people that know me, which i realize is no one on this world wide web, im one of those smokers that likes it with my coffee, when a good song comes on the radio, when im hungry and dont know what to eat, when i feel like im super stressed and just need a break, pretty much any reason to smoke, i do. which is no bueno. in fact, one of my favortie times to smoke is when im writing. this should be interesting.

resolution number 3: most DEFINITELY need to stick to resolution number 3. like daniel cleaver, the crush embodies ALL listed above. if you haven't notice, im a bit of a hopeless romantic. and bartender at bar #2 has been causing me emotional heartache. yes, he is the only one that im still talking to. i blame the job....that i have yet to get out of. here's a quick run-down of why the emotional cutting needs to end:

1) one of our regulars asked what he was like because his friend that's a girl (lets call her blondie because she is and blondes are forever making me feel self-conscious) hooked up with him...he wanted to know if he was a player, i jokingly said yes. it gets back to blondie, who in turns texts beeg saying that i said he was "nothing but a player, she meant nothing to him and she was just another notch on his belt"..how do i know this, you may ask?? because he texted me his concern over this...by the way, we had hooked up not even a week before. ouch. fast forward a week, ive been at work for a solid 14 hours, with the flu, (makes matters worse? I picked up the daytime shift for said jackass bartender) and guess who strolls in to meet blondie. yep. double ouch.

2) he can take every girl he meets on a date except for me. i did try once for him to take me out...we made plans on a wednesday for the following monday...day of: i text him, he claims he forgot and had to babysit. triple ouch. again, im an emotional cutter.

3) he sleeps over, we spend all day in bed, get a lazy breakfast and had semi plans to meet up later in the evening..he said he was gonna watch his football team play. moving on to later in the evening: he was on a date (which failed, like all his other ones that i always hear about because of mutual friends) sigh. my life reads like a bad romance novel ( i say bad because there is no sweet, best guy friend like john krasinski in the sidelines cheering for me or confessing his undying love)

those are just the top three reasons. yeah...even as i type this, i realize that i should have been done with him when i started this blog...but liking someone skews alot of your common sense. which is why im done with him and it. and by it, i mean love, men, relationships. which is why im focusing on reso's 1 and 2. much more attainable. hopefully. because i only have myself to depend on. or if all comes to worse, maybe while focusing on myself, i'll find a mark darcy, that "likes me just the way i am".

clearly, I am excellent at keeping up promises with myself. I just had to google this to find my own blog. fail.

well sam and jenny have set a date. i am a bridesmaid. first time ever. so excited.

the dashing english guy was everything and more...just not very reliable. i feel like big in that episode of sex and the city "she can always reach me but i can't reach her". same. story. first date: we go to a local spot....having a great time then his three friends show up. little weird. it was a fun night but "accidentally" bumping into your friends in a neighborhood where they never go? blah.

i suppose the title of this blog fits into more than one aspect of my life: try again with a job (i'm job hunting right now....which clearly is going very well). try again with a new guy ( i have a date thursday if i don't have to work. he is extremely nice and hangs out with his grandma once a week. super easy to talk to but am i attracted? not sure... he's a nice guy so probably not.) try again in a new apartment ( i moved september 1st to a much more party time place. dangerous)

yesterday, on my day off, (which by the way, consisted of a good solid day of lounging in 'get er done' boxers and a 'kiss me i'm irish' tee shirt, sans bra..one of those items belonged to three g's...i'll let you guess which) sam approaches me as i've awoken from (another) deep slumber of the day... with big news. he's proposing to jenny. sigh. we all knew it was coming but i just didn't realize how soon it was. next weekend. while i could not be happier for them both, i can't help but feel a tinge of FUCK. jenny is at a place in her life that i thought i would be. the side effects from turning twentyfive keep coming. as sam lovingly is telling me details about the soon to be proposal, i find myself drifting into my own thoughts......... (and by own thoughts, i mean my own internal panic mode) i thought by now that i would at least be in a relationship possibly leading to marriage...not just dating complete d-bags. how do i even find these guys?!

maybe i'm being to harsh and i do take some responsibility because this is supposed to be "my summer"(if you've ever seen a seinfeld episode...i was planning on having one similar to "the summer of george!!")i did promise myself that i did not want to get into a relationship and was just going to have fun. so may be subconsciously i was choosing them because i knew they weren't right? that or i let my single,randy self do the talking.

brief description of the post-breakup boys:

2 g's: we call him 2 g's because he happens to share the same name as my ex...with one less g. to avoid confusion (which ironically just created more) we started calling him 2 g's. i met 2 g's while working at bar #1. 2 g's was cute, tall, and goofy, with a great smile. turns out, he likes to drink more than i do. the first night we met, he kept ordering drinks to stay and talk to me. he walked me home from work that night and proceeded to take me on two dates. and somewhere in between, we stopped going on dates and became more of "with benefits". (quick side story: 2 g's came to visit me at bar #1 one afternoon after an afternoon of drinking  golfing...he said he wasn't sure what he was doing later. i got cut early and saw him at a bar...with another girl. lovely.) couldn't really classify him as a friend since we never were....and now we've graduated from "with benefits" to "with emotional benefits". the benefits stopped but we text on a semi daily basis, asking about each other's days/work/family (his g-ma is dying..thats a weird conversation to be having with your emotional benefits buddy via text because you can't console him like a girlfriend or a friend. i did ask if he wanted to go for a beer to get his mind off it) so this is where we are now. and honestly, i think i'm ok with that. i know that i have this fear of being completely alone (and i'm pretty sure he has the same) so we both lean on each other for a semi familiar feeling of comfort.

beeg- bartender at bar #2. hot. tall, great build and smile. (sometimes lives in his glory days..he used to be a big football player in high school and college..similar to 3 g's). he now has a 9-5 but still bartends there once and awhile. the story with me and beeg goes back to when i first started at bar #2.( i may or may not have gone on a couple dates with the owner;we'll call him bubble butt because he had one and now totally grosses me out.) it was a sunday funday and i was working. i had seem beeg from afar but we hadn't worked together yet. as it being a sunday funday with a rained out baseball game, bar #2 was flowing with jameson and sexual tension. bubble butt knew i was working so came in to visit me. (gag) then beeg came in (yum). long story short, bubble butt caught me and beeg making out in the back bar. needless to say, bubble butt (eventually, but shockingly enough, not that day) stopped harassing me (he wanted me to be his girlfriend. i did not.) beeg and i continue to play this dance of sexual tension whenever we see each other. beeg is also a bit of a player. (and by bit of a player, i mean, he totally is one.) but that's ok, because i've had 2g's and beeg at bar #2 at the same time and neither of them knew. although, im sure both of them have pulled the wool over my eyes.

im going on a date next week with a dashing english guy who asked for my number at bar #2. here's hoping he goes in the sam category and not the d-bag one.

that's what i poured to get the balls to actually start writing this blog. i've toyed with the idea of blogging for about, oh i don't know, 6 years now. and now, here i am, alone in my living room at 3 am, watching dvr'd episodes of wife swap with a giant glass of wine. i guess everyone has to start somewhere...which comes to the reason i started this blog. im twenty five, quit my 9-5, single and started working in two bars....needless to say im going through a bit of a quarter life crisis and i figured chronicling my ups, downs, highs, lows, and everything in between is something completely unique and new to the blogging world.

now, i suppose i should back up and give a little background knowledge of how ive come to be where i am. firstly, this is probably the longest ive been single since i was 16. truth. and i only broke up with 3 g's in february (more on him later). second, i quite my 9-5 job in april because corporate america is awful and was sucking my creative, happy soul into a dark, greedy place. i had to get out...which leads me to where i am now,working at two bars. with lots of hot boys and sexy men. (two in particular that sparked my interest, 2 g's and beeg) i turned twenty five three weeks ago today (side note: i wanted to start this on my birthday but a killer hangover and sunday blues were in full effect and i just couldn't muster up the energy to write about my exploits just yet.. i had already lost my cell phone and a little bit of my dignity that night (again more on that later).  

ive made a promise to myself that i will try to write a blog everyday...or at least 5 out of the 7 days we'll see how that goes. also, i dont know why im not capitalizing or using proper punctuation. maybe it's the blogger side of me? (kind of ironic as i was an english major in college and it drives me nuts when people dont follow simple grammar rules)

a brief timeline of my dating history:

adam- high school love, started dating when i was 16 and were on and off until i was 18. completely broke my heart once; i broke his in the end. boom.

jack-dated him briefly after adam. he once told me that he couldnt meet up with me because he was at a bar and got pulled over for being drunk. the police officer then searched his car, found a bowl and weed but let him drive to the police station to get arrested. when i told him that was the most ridiculous story ever, he proceeded to tell me that he was really selling acid, (then it was mushrooms then coke) and he didnt want to tell me because he knew id be mad. i told him good day.

james- college love. he was english. i was 19 and impressionable, going to university in england. 19-22. lived with him. more on him later because he was a trip.

mac-waiter at a restaurant i worked at. always a great idea to date someone in the industry. 22-23. passionate relationship but totally fucked up.

3 g's- met him at my 9-5 job. (kindof, we went to high school together but we never spoke. he was a big football player. i was a dork.) 23-24. tumultuous relationship. we were the couple that would always break up and get back together. how.annoying.

i didnt lie when i said im the girl thats always in a relationship and it's usually never on purpose.

those are the boys that have gone through my life..now for my core people:

mae: older sister by a year and a half. hilarious and very outgoing. was a wild child but seems to have calmed her ways.

brenna: younger sister. great listener and dependable. was engaged at one point but is now going through a tamed wild child stage and shes having a blast

lc: one of my oldest friends and best friends. loves to laugh and have fun. recently just rekindled a relationship with one of her exes and we could not be happier about it

nikki: another one of my oldest/best friends. loves whiskey, dancing, smoking cigs and staying up late night with me discussing how guys are nothing like they are in rom-coms.

jackie: takes life by the horns and goes. free spirit. travels. a lot. and im jealous. just got back from australia and is going back (partly because of her beau, named beau). thinking about joining her in the world of oz.

peter: known him since i was 8. offers insight (although at times, maybe a bit skewed) into the male mind. talks in a barry white voice sometimes.

jenny: roommate and cousin. we're three weeks apart in age and like to smoke cigars in her car when it's cold out. moving back to the burbs after our lease is up. so sad.

sam: jenny's boyfriend and my other roommate. pretty much the best boyfriend ever. case in point: today was jenny's birthday. he drove an hour in traffic to get her her favorite food because she was hungover. (i also benefited from it as well..dont underestimate the power of cheese fries, italian beef and sprite when youre hungover. it does wonders. that, and being comatose on the couch until the sun goes down)

carol: known her forever as well. incredibly loyal and passionate.

i'll stop here before you stop reading. background knowledge in my mind is key (that or i am just a very nosy person and ask a lot of questions so i figured id take out the guessing for you.)