b e l o v e d

- 

Why was he here? Bora wondered why she had to deal with this as soon as she got home. If she knew, oh, dear god, if she knew she'd face Jiyong again, she wouldn't have come home. Hid somewhere at her office maybe if not her family home. It was exhausting. To even try and think of when and where they went wrong. She was wrong, but Bora needed assurance. She never asked him and he never gave her one. How did they get here? She could only think of certain answers she doesn't wish to think about. She gave up on love already, not long ago, when the love of her life decided it was better if she left for New York. Did he come here to say the same thing? Bora can only find out by talking to him. If, he does, wish to talk to her, in a mature and adult-like manner. 

"Sadly, I'm not expecting anyone." She counters him by saying the words in her own flat tone, one you'd hear from her when she was at work. "Not even any kind of delivery. Is that answer enough justification for my surprise or should I make an excuse." An excuse that Jiyong would do. She heard countless rumors, made her heart sank to the pits of her stomach. Encountered people he knew, told her stories that made her extremely uneasy and doubtful of his intentions towards her. "I see." Bora falls quiet, once more, in the most uncomfortable manner. Seeing Jiyong and having him around was like a rope around her neck, slowly tightening at each word. They never spoke properly after a few things had happened, summer came and went by so quickly. It was sad to see just how the bright summer they had, warm in each other's embrace under the shade of the large trees are just now memories they are very much bitter about when it comes to mind. 

"And you must've been extremely busy too." She eyes him. Her gaze empty and hollow, echoing nothing but the pain and disappointment that hid the fear and loneliness she was feeling. "I'm surprised to hear that. Coming from you." Bora was angry but she had been angry too many times, cried too many tears and lost too many people already as well. "There's no need to lie to me, Jiyong. Your friends already came up to me. Not to warn me, because, like you said before, I'd be the one to break your heart. Not the other way around." And it happened, she was the one who made a choice and stepped away from what they could be and could've been. "Us? Ah, yes. Us. It's not ridiculous. Not at all. At one point, I chose you." She admits, not hiding the fact that she had considered running to him. Saving him and just be with him instead of chasing after the boy, who continued to break her heart and break her as a whole. 

- 

Bora asked herself. Why? Why indeed. Why did he say things like that. Things that would hurt her. Ruin her completely and drag her down. She felt suffocated. She was drowning in her own thoughts and her own pain. "I don't know. Probably because I actually fucked up big time this time around, Ra." She admitted it already to herself that it was wrong. Very wrong for her to play with the strings that lead to the matters of the heart. She loved one man, liked another. Tried to use the other to get over the greatest love of her life but later on, she realized it was useless. There was no getting over him. For she was a fool. 

"Can't say I wouldn't ask me to leave as well. Really. I'm just the perfect fuck up this world has ever made." Throwing her arms up in the air. How she just wants to let the ground open up and swallow her as a whole. Love was complicated, she knew this. But never knew that loving him was beyond complicated. It was the challenge that not only tested her belief in many things but in herself as well. The pain remains and the memories seem to play on repeat. A loop that never ends. Her mind won't shut off. Her heart won't stop begging for his embrace. Looking at Nara she wanted to apologize, tell her that she wants to listen to her from now on and ask her to keep her from making the same mistakes but she can't bring herself to say it. She loved him too much then and even more so now. 

"But.. he kissed me. He held me. What was that?" She mumbles in tears while Nara wiped her tears away. "I bared myself in front of him." She confessed. "I bared myself in front of him, down to my soul. Told him I love him in between every kiss. Reminded him I didn't need anything and anyone else but him with every touch. So why?" Bora had gotten much quieter, the fact that she was this quiet was already troublesome on normal occasions but this was different. This silence was leading to self destruction. Brooding towards the scary place called disappearing completely. All she wants is to disappear. The best option she could possibly do. 

- 

Christmas! Holiday! Everywhere she looks, there's the festive mood screaming at her face. Bora used to love this. Christmas means that her and Boyeon's birthday is getting closer. It also means a party with all the members of the 'family business' before the family finally gets their very own quiet family dinner. The disgustingly rich kind of dinner that even the plates shine and sparkle even when the food is placed on top of it. But the weather seems to know her heart. That she's not planning to head home with a blank expression and ruin the festive mood. While she was on the phone with her father, Bora looked outside the wall to floor windows when she saw nothing but white falling snow. 

"No, dad. It's snowing like crazy. I'm fine here. There's no need to send someone over." Her dad has always been the overprotective one. Now he's making it seem like there's a need for a rescue mission. Bora is so tired of being the damsel in distress, waiting for the knight or a prince to save her just as the King ordered to do so. She's no damsel in distress. She's just plain stressed. That simple. "I'll be fine here. I have a friends in this building." If she can actually consider that one guy downstairs as a friend. Just right after they finished their conversation, the power went out and Bora could only groan. She’s all dressed up. Honestly, she's ready to change clothes and call it a day. Maybe watch a movie or read a book under the thick blankets before this happened. 

"Well, shit! Thanks!" She waited for the generator to work but after a while, she gave up and grabbed her phone to find the flashlight in the kitchen. Upon finding it, the next thing she started looking for was a match or a lighter. She doesn't smoke. She just wants to light some candles and try to find out how she can use to light up some candles or better yet, help her light up her small fireplace. She didn't spend over 5,000 USD on it to be a useless piece of thing in her house. She finds the box of matches but it's already empty and she's starting to feel cold. The only possible source of warmth would come from the dozen of blankets in her bedroom or probably opening her oven but she's not going to something stupid that could cause fire and burn the building down and kill people just because she feels cold. 

She brings herself to her closet and wears layers of clothes as if she's going skiing. Bora was getting frustrated. She doesn't know where most of her stuff are since she's not the one who cleans her apartment, but her maid instead. There's no service either so it's useless to try and call just to ask for things like that. She needs to find herself those matches and light them candles up before she ends up freezing to death. Winter in New York was never like this. Now all she needs to do is accept the fact that the fastest way to obtain that kind of warmth and light is to ask for Jiyong's help. Borrow his lighter maybe and check on him. She's worried he'd gotten sick already. He has so much to do and he barely sleeps too. Now with a bad weather like this, the chances to get sick has been tripled. She makes her way out of her apartment and taking the stairs to go a floor down. She was already knocking on his front door when remembered something. She has two kinds of stove at her apartment. One was gas and one was electric. It isn't too late to run, right? 

- 

Intimidating? Bora wondered if he was right. It's not like she can look intimidating at all. She doesn't even excrete that kind of feeling. She is feisty, she knows this. She has quite a temper too. "Maybe it's because I have a lot of male family members. They taught me how to be tough." The only female figure she has around was her mother. "They had me take lessons on self-defense. Broke someone's arm in college when he tried to grab my ass at a party." The memory of what seems to be long ago was still fresh in her mind as if it was only yesterday. "Also, I work as a fashion designer. The fashion industry isn't really as beautiful as it looks." Bora grins. "It's filthy and ugly. The competition is worse than you would expect." She doesn't know why she's telling them these things but it felt so much easier for her to talk about things like this. Work was always the easiest to talk about. She worked hard to be where she is now. 

"Those popular models you see in magazines, they usually have sponsors." She takes a look at him. "Of course, you can already think of what they offer. Even the richest models do crazy stuff just to get popular. The less fortunate ones need great opportunity to get popular." Bora has seen almost all of them behind the curtains of the fashion shows. The worst part of it is that she knows most of the sponsors. They aren't just rich, they are influential people and they can surely put someone under the light if they want to. 

"Everyone wants whatever they want. They are selfish. Or rather, we all are selfish in nature. We're only human, but some people are just way too blind. They barely see what lies behind the sugarcoated lies that other people say." She saw that look on his face. He might be one of those people who lie to get what they want. It's not a bad thing, it always depends on the situation though. Bora has done things to get what she wants, but there are times too that she did it for good. Can't say she's overall a bad person or a good one either. 

The trip slowly comes to a halt as he parks his car. Looking around, Bora then glances over to Kyungsoo. "Alright then." Bora fixes her hair as she sits calmly, waiting for Kyungsoo. She doesn't get what fits the description of manly for others. Kyungsoo looks manly the way he moves is very manly as well. Once the door opens, Bora smiles at Kyungsoo and takes his hand. 

- 

It's only been a day or two since the renovations were done in her apartment. It felt different, far from what she's used to but that's what she wanted. She didn't want to be reminded of her mistakes. Two mistakes in particular. Two people whom she trusted and gave a part of herself to. Stupid as it may seem, she was a fool to believe that one would be able to love her back and the other would be able to love her no matter what. Such lies she was deceived with. Lies that she made up in her small world. 

Work has been exhausting, she overworks herself like crazy. Enough to keep her mind off of things. Her heart was broken, by the person she loved the most. Maybe she should've chosen Jiyong instead, but how can she choose someone like him when his whole world seems to be filled with people who hate her as soon as she entered it. People who announced that they have slept with him, people who have defended him like crazy and people who just wants her out of the picture even before she was actually on it. He recently got himself a “new job”, a total upgrade from before. Who would believe that both CEOs used to be acquainted? 

She walks around her apartment after kicking her shoes. Bora hated this lonely feeling, she gets bombarded with thoughts of true love and a chance for real love slipping her by. There are times she doesn't know what she cries about anymore. Can it be the love she lost or the part where she realizes she already lost herself completely and she's been looking at the reflection of a different person already every waking moment of her life? Bora felt uneasy, probably it's because she has so much time to think again or maybe because she feels like a total stranger in her own home after staying at the house with her girls for so long. "It's snowing too much. I won't be able to drive back to the house." Bora tells herself, convincing herself to stay home and stop avoiding memories and the fact that Jiyong lives downstairs. 

- 

Youthful charm? Bora snorted. Who gave Shiwoo an extra does of confidence shot? She wanted to shake her head off but she lets him slide. "Look, he succeeded making sure that I never knew any other boy other than my twin brother for about fifteen years. You did well as my test subject. See, you're still alive! I wanted to make sure then that if I were to bring Byeol and introduce him to my parents, he would still get home in one piece." It was a joke but partly true as well. She knew Shiwoo would help her out since they were friends and she's his favorite junior. Whether he tries to deny it or not. Bora knows. It's too obvious. 

"He asked just about fifty times if I were dating you. My dad is quite the jealous type. Pretty possessive too. I got that from him." Bora smiles proudly at Shiwoo. "Would you believe I almost fought someone during the leadership youth camp way back in high school? Just because this one girl talked to Byeol." Talking about her grandfather, Bora can't help but feel her heart swell up in happiness. How can it not? Her grandfather is a great guy. With or without a gun in his hand. 

- 

Bora couldn't understand the unsettling feeling, the heavy air around the two of them. What the hell is wrong with him? She doesn't owe him anything. She never did anything wrong to him but he acts as if she did him wrong. "It's only right for one to dress according to their status." Bora carefully checks the contents of her folders before putting them away. Even though she keeps on smiling at him, she's slowly losing her temper. "We have several suits you can choose from. They are made from different fabrics. You can choose one to your liking." His words causes her to put a stop to whatever she was doing. Showing true colors? Tch. What does this guy know about her and the male whom she'd shown her everything to? 

"It is essential, indeed. But showing your true colors right away can be such a disadvantage too. There's a couple of suits that can easily allow you to blend in easily. It can be used for both work and events, they are made of completely different fabrics from the normal suits we have." She tries to keep them on the right track. He came here for a suit, then that's what he is getting. Her office has tall windows, overseeing the beauty of the Seoul skyline at night and allowing natural light into her office during daytime. 

It was too late for Bora to even cover up all the things in her office that screamed Hanbyeol. The large painting she made long ago, long before she started to work in Seoul continues to Hang on the wall. It sure was a huge canvas, a painting almost as tall as her and it was only half the face of an 'unknown' person. Not showing the eyes, just the freckles scattered on top of the bridge of his nose, his lips and his neck. Not everyone can tell its Hanbyeol and it seems like it was just there for aesthetic purposes. 

"We have what you need. A lot of it, actually." Bora says, looking at her desk there are a few framed photos. One of which was the family portrait they took a few years ago, just before Boyeon disappeared without a trace. There was one with her girls and another with just her brother. Lastly, there was one with Hanbyeol. One they took in high school, when she was still the same girl that was innocently in love with him, not the woman he rejected and refused to chase after. She always chased him because she has always loved the same boy for so many years, its as easy as breathing. 

"I assume you want a black suit, right? It shall be a set then. If you'd kindly wait, I will have someone bring in the different kinds of suits that may fit to your liking. We can have you measured after so we can make alterations and have custom-made suits based on your measurements as well." She gently puts down one of the frames which had the photo of her and Byeol. She needs to make sure he doesn't see through her facade. Hanbyeol might laugh if he hears that she still holds on to him. He might think she's pathetic after all of this. Bora presses the intercom then.