1millionchuck

My mum had the best insight into this. Like a lot of us, I got bullied. Heavily, and a lot. For long stretches of time I was 'sorted' into male friendship groups, where I was consistently the 'runt of the pack' or the most 'beta', even in primary school (pre-teen). I was often the butt of jokes, the last to be invited to parties. I was skinny and so effeminate (especially towards middle school, where I was essentially an emo femboy) that I got she/her'd "accidentally" often (coincidentally, most of my friends then were women + a singular guy friend). It wasn't until my friends were mostly or half women that I started feeling more safe. Not just belonging, but safe. Hell, I even had (purely platonic) sleepover parties with my female friends, and thought it was totally normal. I find it tricky to be in friendship groups because I am so paranoid about everybody piling on me as the weak one, and often over-exert myself to "prove my worth", fearing a loss of social clout - usefulness for other people - will just lead to me being victimised again. It's obvious this c-ptsd plays a major role in my current chronic physical and mental health issues. I was venting this trauma to my mother, and she simply and immediately pointed out: "you were treated how girls are by boys, you were put in your place". She mentioned prior to the bullying how confident and outspoken I was, and after how quiet I became. Just like how she and every girl she knew was treated by boys. Basically, welcome to patriarchy, you've been victimised it your entire life without realising it. I was stunned. I realised why most of us have indeed been socialised as women - even when we were guys, we were *bullied* as if we were the girl of the group, specifically one that nobody had a crush on. As the bottom of the pile, where we belong. Especially neurodivegent women. My mum. btw, was a high school teacher - english and drama. If anybody knew about how kids are socialised, it's her. No wonder so many of us become such militant feminists coming out. I've been out a decade, and only have realised much trauma of mine is directly related to patriarchy. And no wonder the idea of being 'socialised as male' in particular was such a triggering thought - then why the fuck did I feel so powerless my entire life? Why was I treated like that? I can only agree with one of the comments to the OP - nearly every 'bonding with the boys' was met with cruelty and violence. But also failure - my muscles never developed, my voice barely dropped. In white Australian culture, a male who can't play sport is considered a massive failure. No wonder I hate exercising, even when I need to do it to keep my EDS under control. I remember being forced to play AFL (a contact sport) and being terrified, as the strength difference was very obvious. Ironic, given we apparently have an advantage. Damn I wish I was socialised male, then I'd have a lot less PTSD, OCD and more self-confidence, irregardless of what gender I actually am. And that's ignoring the fact I never liked being assigned male, I just went along with it as I feel "I didn't have a choice, there was no alternative" until much later (I grew up in the 90s). I suspect my own unconscious self-concept of self was obvious to my bullies far before it was obvious to myself. Often, the unconscious is outside. We're all aware of the joke that our bullies she/her us right up into the moment we self-declare. Everybody knew of my gender, my effeminacy unconsciously, instinctually before I even did - even when I intentionally tried to hide it. I genuinely wish I felt powerful growing up. Like any other woman.