★Ife★

And here’s a list of Romance Club characters that I think are birdbrains.

⚠️Again, if your faves are in here, my bad. This is SATIRE(somewhat). We’ve all had moments where we’ve cawed a few times for people. Me included. My great flight of 2024 still haunts me sometimes 💔💔💔⚠️

For those in the back that don't know, a birdbrain, originally an English slang term, in AAVE(African American Vernacular English) and ebonics, it is someone that is easily manipulated, tolerating the abuse and mistreatment they get from anyone, whether in romantic relationships or friendships. They’ll even go as far as to do everything to keep the other person. The term is used for both men and women but most people use it to refer to people who act pick-meish or male-centred.

⚠️Disclaimer: Cheating/Jealousy situations where MCs romance multiple love interests at once doesn't count because the characters will act a fool to keep the MC anyway. This list is just for poly or monogamous relationship dynamics in the books⚠️

Anyway, let’s go!

1. Vicky- Heaven’s Secret Universe

Starting off strong with the leader of the flock.

No matter what romance path you take, the male love interests have treated her like shit to SOME degree and she’ll still stick by ‘em(Alice will pay dearly for this blatant display of tomfuckery and misogyny). This is why we love Mimi. The realest and the baddest. But Alice doesn't care for the WLW players.

On Malbonte’s path, he has ripped off her wings(in HS1) and has told her time and time again that he’d kill all her friends and sacrifice her if needed for his goals AND has acted on it and will STILL act on it.

On War’s path, he refers to Vicky as Plague’s pet and barely acknowledges her at all before Plague gives her the idea to seduce him.

On Astaroth’s path, if you romanced Malbonte in HS1, he’ll slutshame her, and I quote “spreading your legs for Malbonte”. Whole time, he just wanted a turn. Oh okay.

On Hunger’s path, he keeps her isolated and a prisoner in a white room for SEVERAL DAYS, not only out of curiosity as to why his powers don't affect her but just blatant obsession(Typing this with tears in my eyes as a Hunger romancer)

Like she literally CAN’T WIN 💔💔

Vicky’s even a bird for her own MOTHER. That’s genuine rock bottom bro 💀. Like, I get it, and I understand her deeply (mommy issues aha 😛) but at one point, you have to realise that good sis wasn't fucking with you. You called out to her and she ignored you. JUST GO TO THE BENCH PLEASEEEE. Rebecca switched up on her day ones for power 🫩💔

These are the few I know off the top of my head, but you get the idea. I kid you not, I used to be a HUGE Malbonte girl but seeing the way he was moving in HS3, I had to restart the book and HS2 to romance Hunger because your girl was TIRED 💀.

Holy paragraph oml. I’m so sorry. To the next character!

2. Fencio- Heaven’s Secret Universe

Second in command 💀🙏🏾

He really thought Rebecca was gonna let him hit just because he helped her a lil bit and didn't marginalise her for being unclaimed. Good sis didn't even owe him SHIT. He had no idea she was gonna play in his face. What did Megan Thee Stallion say? “Bitches is bitter they thought it was sweet. All of a sudden they vegan, they don’t want beef” Yeah 🤏🏾🤏🏾🤏🏾🤏🏾

That was actual feminism.

Alice has many flaws as a writer, but she ate that lil one thang with Rebecca.

Fencio crashed out about it so bad, he went to go on to be the reason that Vicky died and Malbonte got revived. Is it ever that deep? 💀

3. Cain- Heaven’s Secret Universe

Yes, Cain. That’s why he has wings 🤷🏾‍♀️

That's my bestie, don't get me wrong. I’m hella maternal about him, but if you’re romancing him and Abel at the same time, Lane stay PLAYINNNGGGGG in his face.

But, he’s right where he wants to be, though, and honestly— that’s growth 🌱. (Bye, I’m corny 💀)

This man will get jealous, want exclusivity, etc etc, but he won’t call it off. Oh okay.

4. Ingegerd, The High Priestess- And The Haze Will Take Us

A crow, if you will

Did all that shit for the gods, killing Vereya, killing her OWN sister, sacrificing her OWN granddaughter, making animal sacrifices, causing insecurity among the villagers(I’m finna be 40 before this list finishes) just for the sky dadas and mamas to watch it all unfold looking like this:

I HATE this old lady so fucking much

All those sacrifices just for them to STILL not gaf. Ingy, you’re fading.

5. Raina(On Xander’s Path)- Advent No 3

“He beats me, sees me as a toy and calls me misogynistic slurs, but it's okay because I'm physically and sexually attracted to him and he has mommy issues” Oh okay.

(Xander fans don't kill me. I just like bashing this man💔💔)

Not just Xander, though, with Zane too(As a Zane girlie myself). She tweets at most and that’s okay. That’s still my wife 🤞🏾❤️.

6. Eragon- Heaven’s Secret Universe

Oh, Shepha’s his dadaman.

He gives such “I know where home is” mentality 💀.

Yeah, you’re the reason for the segregation of Angels and Demons and why I still uphold said segregation in my actions and words even after Malbonte and Vicky won the fight, and you’re hella complacent in the happenings of your creations and only react after one of them dies or gets injured, and you handled the existence of Malbonte so poorly that it led to your demise, and you’re basically the reason for the current Heaven’s Secret Timeline, and you and your bastard brother defying the Mother of Life led to the creation of the Horsemen and the reason I co-formed the resistance group in the first place, but Praise Shepha! Yay!

Someone kill this man off before I get really angry. Get Eragon tf off my screen.

7. Lily- Waterlily

Gets jealous when Riley talks to the Love Interests. Is also the reason the Love Interests are my friends/I have a crush on them. Oh okay.

She needs to run my fade.

I’d rather die than let you haunt me and take my white-collar, submissive white boyfriend, Declan away from me, bitch. Don’t even. And hands off Luna too, hoe. That's my platonic girlfriend. You’re ruining my black girl solidarity(Because I picked the African American Riley. I WILL be black in every game I play, thangya). Just go ahead and call me nigga while you’re at it.

8. Austie- Heaven’s Secret Universe

Now, I don't know much about Austie but I did know that both Malbonte and Lucifer played in her face and she got mad when they both ended up with Vicky 💀.

I do feel bad for her because she’s just a girl looking for love(And power, ahem 👀), but my god she was really squaking in those books 💀🙏🏾.

9. Plague- Heaven’s Secret 2

Finishing off strong and bittersweet with Plague. All the things she did, she did not only for power, but to earn the favour of the Mother of Life and the respect of her brothers. All of them, even the Mother herself saw her as the weakest link and constantly demeaned her which has greatly affected her.

It's a shame that she was killed by her own brother and at a point when she was finding love in Kira.

Don’t get me wrong, Plague is a HORRIBLE, horrible person(And y'all asking Alice to make her a Love Insterest???) but she’s a victim to the system and expectations imposed on her as much as Malbonte was.

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If you made it to the end, thank you for your time and thank you for putting with my tomfuckery if you follow me or you’ve seen my posts harrassing your feed(I’m sorry for spamming. I have so many ideas 💔💔💔). Feel free to add or take from the list and agree or disagree with me.

And nobody asked but here’s a list of Romance Club characters that I think would call me nigga unprovoked and my reasons why

⚠️If your faves are in here, my bad. THIS IS SATIRE(somewhat). I was inspired to do this because of sheer boredom(And because Love Island UK has become too Klany this year). Anyway, let’s continue⚠️

1. Dejan from And The Haze Will Take Us

Matter of fact, the whole damn village. He was TOOO comfortable demonising tf outta both Sirin and Novak and for no fucking reason. Meanwhile, they were the ones that were helping everyone in that fuckass village. You think my black ass is safe??? Hell nah

2. Eragon from the Heaven’s Secret Universe

Unfortunately, this man is fine asf but he moves MAD in all the HS books 💀. How were you an active participant in upholding the segregation of the Angels and Demons then make a resistance group which originally(keyword: ORIGINALLY) would have fought against such ideologies??? Not only that, he’s STILL microaggressive towards demons even in HS3. Oh “nigga” has BEEN in his vocab.

3. Ashriel from Averris: The Riftborn

Ashriel fans(if he has any left 💀) don't kill me.

C’mon it’s the 1920’s in that world. Nigga is in EVERYONE’S mouths at that time. Not only that, Ashriel is a fucking control freak and my ancestors didn't want to be tamed and forced into submission the way he’s forcing Liren to be 🌚. It's still so crazy to me he locked her up ON HER OWN SHIP??? HELLO???

4. Abraham Darnby from Shakespeare’s Code

I kid you not, when I was thinking of who to put next and he came to mind, I said out loud “Oh, for sure” 💀

Did we not see how quick he switched up when he found out Ro was a witch? It was giving that one interview when that black man told his white girlfriend he was black even though he PHYSICALLY looked like a black man, and she started crashing out(Yes, I know it was a skit). And I know that he puts his whole badussy of hatred into the syllable when he calls her a “witch”. He’ll sprinkle in the hard er too.

5. Xander Van Hayes from Advent no 3

Yeah, “nigga” slips out of his mouth as easy as his impulse to beat women. That’s it.

(Xander fans don’t beat me up please. I know you don’t play about dada)

6. Cardinal Barone from W: Time Catcher

Same nigga that wanted to eradicate Others and the Presence within them. AND he called them children of the devil. AND he raised a woman that was an Other and had her believe she was a sinful being all her life. AND used Christianity and “god’s word” to justify their oppression. Sound familiar? I rest my case.

7. Furius from Astrea’s Broken Heart

Yes, I am fully aware that he is black, but remember I said “unprovoked”. That didn’t insinuate a specific race. Pay attention now 📸📸📸

Did we not forget how Furius treated my good sis Audrey like she was subhuman because she was HUMAN? Using derogatory language and PUTTING HIS HANDS ON HER??? He was mad asf that the Astreans didn't share his conservative sentiment. His last straw was when his situationship, Somnus also softened because of her(Yes, I'm a Somnus and Furius shipper).

A headcannon I have is that once he learns of the connotations behind what “nigga” is, he’ll call all the black humans he encounters the word. Would even sprinkle the hard er to further accentuate his disdain. He’ll even say it the way white people do 💀(Because he’s a coon at heart). Whole time, he doesn't know we’re cousins just because he’s immortal. 🌚

8. James from Seven Brothers

Rich ass white boy from old money going to a private school. Need I say more? I know he cringes when he sees the black diaspora around Kearney 💀. “I forget these negroes have rights now”

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Again. THIS IS A JOKE. I have few to live for 💔💔💔

Feel free to add to the list of tell me if you agree or disagree with me(RESPECTFULLY. I’m a sensitive gyal 💔💔💔)

Raphael has a rack on him, my GOD

Where was he hiding allat????

Imagine me playing Astrea’s Broken Heart, losing my fucking MIND because Raph almost got slimed fighting Malek, leaving him in a coma(like my body was itching seeing the Raph erasure in the first eps of season 3), laying beside him, nursing him, etc etc, and when he finally wakes up, not only am I mid tears, the first thing I notice are two cannons peeking beneath his shirt.

Good googly moogly

When I tell you, I screamed. My eyes BULGED.

Not only did he look tf GOOD fresh off the wake-up(Lemme pull that ponytail PLEASE) but I did not know that he and I are matched boob-for-boob?????? When I tell y’all, I stopped crying from my eyes and started crying elsewhere.

Shepha ain't shit, but he can have this lil one thang.

Like yeah, I'm happy asf that my man’s finally awake and all, but are we not going to address the two elephants in the room that are eye-fucking me???? And why does he look gorgeous oml??? IT’S TOO MUCH ICE 😩😩😩