13 Septembre

My edit 🥀

this is the last text she sent me. we met in the train after a concert, i was with my sister and she was with her two friends, we get all get along very well quickly and exchanged our numbers, we started texting each other everyday and we start becoming really close, it felt like we were the same person, not only we liked the same things and had the same past so we could understand each other’s fears and pain but there was like a kind of connection between us. At some point we were so close we could feel when the other person wasn’t fine even tho we were living miles and miles away from each other. just like twins. “-What’s a soulmate ? -It’s like a best friend but more. It’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else. That someone who makes you a better person. No, actually they don’t make you a better person. You do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone you carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them and nothing could ever change that.” she was my soulmate. our friendship lasts 8 month, we used to have a countdown, every month at the day we met we sent each other the countdown of how many month we’ve known each other, she stopped after 8 month, i kept going until one year even when she just stopped answering and was just letting the message on “seen”. it hurts so much to think that everything that we had is lost now, that we’re just strangers to each other it’s been almost one year since our last conversation, and two since the last time i saw her and i know i should stop crying when i think about it now but i just can’t, i just can’t accept the way she left me without any explanation, arguing with me everytime i was trying to understand, blaming me and making me feel guilty, ignoring my messages for months and then coming back and talking to me like nothing ever happened and we were good friends who just met. i can’t help but feeling guilty even tho i don’t even know what i’ve done, if i even did something wrong… we used to be so close, i trusted her, more than i ever trusted and will ever trust anyone. actually i trusted her so much she was the only person i never lied to when she asked if i was fine, she knew everything about me, all my flaws, my fucked up mind, the mess that i was, she always accepted me no matter what, she always said i was perfect to her, she always said it would be alright, that things would get better and that i would be just fine, she used to say she’d never leave me. i want it back, all of that, everything we had i want it back even just for a day, i miss it so much, i just miss her so much. maybe i’ve said something i shouldn’t have say ? maybe i’ve done something i shouldn’t have done ? but i just don’t understand what. maybe she was just tired of my bullshits and all of my problems, maybe i was just a burden. i see her on facebook, being a new person that i don’t know a thing about, with her new friends, living her new life that i’m not a part of anymore, and it hurts. because she moved on and i can’t, i’m still stuck in the past, living in the ghost of what we used to be, remembering myself all of our memories, our conversations, our pictures, the tears and the laughs we shared. and i’m scared. i’m fucking scared because if she left me, then it means everyone can. and all my friends are trying to reassure me, they tell me they won’t leave me and i’d like to trust them but i just can’t. but how do you tell your best friends that you can’t trust them ? it’s not that i think they’re lying, i know they think they won’t leave but nothing guarantee me that at some point of their lives they won’t get tired of me and just leave. how do you tell your friends that even tho you love them and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them, you will never be able to love them and trust them the way you loved and trusted her ? i know i will never have that connection again with somebody else, i know it’s over forever. it’s a ‘one in a lifetime’ kind of thing. these 8 months with her were the best of my life. She was my soulmate, my other half. She felt like home. And when i lost her, i lost everything.