Trop de mots pour toi

- Did I ever leave you? - You let me go.

I wish you loved me enough to do anything for me. You say you’d do anything for me, but it seems like you’d do anything to make me sad.

I never told him, but I think he knew the offer was on the table. If he ever wanted to come back, I would let him open the door and just walk through. But, he didn’t. He was more like a drizzle in a drought, a dandelion surrounded by weeds, and a fast glance of the view as you’re speeding down the highway. He was there, but he never was.

You will search for me in another person. I promise

‘"Maybe we will meet again when we are better for each other" No, that line is such fucking bullshit I loved you with every inch of my fucked up heart and you couldn’t love me back I was in recovery I still am and I will be for the rest of my life So please, if it is three years from now and you see me on the street Don’t come up to me in the hope that you could rekindle the fire you started in my bones You left me when I needed you When I was crying for you on the bathroom floor at 4am And no matter how much time passes You will never be enough for me You will never aid my recovery You will only hinder it And so I’m sorry sweetheart I have to let you go Please know this isn’t temporary This is real I gave you what I had left I know it wasn’t much But you spat it back at me anyway So please don’t have the audacity to think that time will erase that, we will never be enough for each other, we will never be better for each other you were a lesson, But I confused you for a soulmate.

We all have that boy. That boy who you’re completely over, but you still think about before you sleep. That boy who you avoid talking to, but still wish he would text you just once. That boy who you have to make yourself not think about, but always wonder if he is thinking about you.

I think we were meant to be but we did it wrong.

to “the one”, wherever you are, I hope you sleep well tonight. I’m not sure if we’ve met or if your name has ever crossed my mind but either way, my heart misses you. I imagine starting the day with you, laughing in a haze of long kisses and hushed lips. I wonder about the way your eyes will welcome the morning sun, the way your hands might fumble for mine when I’m fast asleep. how I might knock your book off the table so I can read your pages on a quiet morning while a warm breeze makes the curtains sway. I think about how I might fall in love with the way your hand is twice the size of mine. I wonder if we will take road trips with the windows down, the afternoon setting on your jawline as I trace my name on your wrist. I thought I’d let you know that I never finish a cup of coffee, so please don’t fill my cup up all the way. I’ll try my best not to spill my coffee on our paisley sheets but I’m clumsy sometimes. do you think it would be okay if I slept on the inside of our bed? If not, we can take turns. you need to know that my mind runs a million miles an hour, you might have to grab my hand and tell me to slow down. I want to laugh with you every night before we fall asleep. some weekends we can just stay in bed and watch movies, right? I hope you enjoy reading. If you don’t, that’s okay. but I hope you do. please, lets promise to never let the romance die. wherever you are, I miss you already. love, me

Even if I see you again,   I will never see you again.

I’ve dyed my hair purple since you’ve last seen me. Not only that, but kinks and curls have now taken over my head whereas before my hair was completely straight. In the past two years since we’ve last spoken, I’ve stopped pretending that I read Hemingway and Bukowski and now relish in millennial authors that actually speak to me. I stopped taking classes and I’ve stopped writing ten year plans. Two years ago, I swore I had the next decade of my life mapped out, only to find out that life doesn’t go according to plan.  I guess the quote ‘we plan and God laughs’ is true after all. Since we’ve last spoken, I don’t talk to any of the same people I used to anymore. I cried about it for a while.  I soon realized that a part of growing up meant the inevitably of losing people you used to say ‘I love you’ to.  In the past two years since you last wrote me, I learned that during the metamorphosis stage for a caterpillar, that the insect’s body will actually completely melt into a gooey substance before turning into a butterfly. I tell you this  to say, that right now I am going through the melting stage of my life. Some days my brain is a flurry of confusion and other days I try to turn off my thoughts to avoid the realization that there’s a world out there that I’m not participating in.  When I saw your name pop up in my messages after not speaking to you for two years and after only a year ago finally destroying the home I built on my heart for you, I started shaking. You wanted to know how I was doing, and I gave you the reflective “fine” as I always give. But in all honesty I’m doing great. Even though because of you I’m still scared of the idea that no one will ever love me the way I love them, I’ve stopped falling for men who won’t catch me. I don’t look for validation in empty words spoken by men who will only eventually leave me.  Two years ago if you would’ve sent me this same message, I would’ve saved it and spent months reading  and dissecting it until I successfully manipulated it into something that it wasn’t. Today, immediately after we were done speaking, I deleted your message. I almost found myself being drawn in by the seductive pull of nostalgia  only to remember how loving you almost killed the light that resided inside of me. I refuse to go back to the person I was when you were around. The person who fantasized of swallowing poison just to escape the reality of you not loving me. Two years and several tears later, and I’m doing something that I thought I’d never do, which is move on without you.

1. stop checking every social media site for signs of updates on the life i’m no longer a part of. 2. stop finding myself in the arms of boys i will never love, but who will hold me when i feel i’m falling apart. 3. wander into the deepest parts of myself, the parts i’ve neglected, and find a way to dig out the remaining shards of your love (the look on your face after the first time we kissed, the way you held me and told me you’d never get over me, the first time you said you loved me). purge my insides of all of your cancerous memories. start fresh. 4. tell my mother that i love her every single time i talk to her. remember that she can feel the pain radiating from my bones even when i’m unaware of it. 5. if someone lets me into their life, let them take me on a tour. it’s okay to open the door sometimes. 6. read everything. 7. nail shut the coffin and bury it deep. remember that the mourning period has to end. remember that his love is somewhere else and my love is a sunset on fire, cotton candy in the sticky hands of children, wet grass between toes. my love is alive.