俉月哀 @1224cm - Tumblr Blog

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#nvm false alarm he loves me everything is well

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#me when i am not very happy despite going on trips and eating omakase and going to museums and coordinating outfits #and buying christmas ornmanets and going to concerts with a guy i finally actually really care for and like #all because ITS ANOTHER MF WHO SAYS ILY AND DOESNT MEAN IT 😹#break me from this curse of men who dont love me.#IM SICK.

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#okay maybe i wont make it this time LMFAOOOOO #things r not looking okay. like not even manageable.#i'll admit to being weak i dont care if this is my life then i dont want to live it its not worth #theres just so much wrong and so much that is going wrong #im really so tired of toughing it out and just getting through things like NO I DONT WANNA GO THRU THINGS ANYMORE #no more going thru things.#i dont want to exist anymore LOL.

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#no more normal guys or guys with normal families I NEED ME A MF TO UNDERSTAND ME FR

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#my chest feels so hollowed out i want to cry. i want to cry in someone's arms. i want comfort.

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#それでも信じたいよ #君の幸せは私の幸せ

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#plz i have not had a panic attack from my lack of intake in so long #but i refuse to up my intake lmfaoofkgkjdf #its ok ive been thru this before i can go thru it again #but goddamn do these panic attacks have HANDS

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#wrow kinda fucked how i dont feel like myself unless i look bony #anyways chest bone shadows r peeking thru now so i will return to being me soon

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#not 2 be morbid but hmmmm imagine if i push my limits #and let this totally eradicate me #like sure it’d be sad but hmmm no more suffering 😌#i feel bad tho bc * gained 4kg like hes been wanting to and hes finally taking care and i am simply just. relapsing.#we r opposites rn how sad #idk i am tired and totally fine if this thing actually gets. complete and total ahold of me.#maybe its the brain fog speaking tho bc just last month i was so determined to get well and make 4lyfer proud #and now im like. okay with everything ending rn or soon #lel

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#when i have a bmi under 15 again its truly over for u bitches #when i feel like myself again it is truly over for u bitches

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#i'm not alone but i push everyone away when i am going thru my shit because my friends don't deserve to go thru my shit too #but it feels like i am always going thru something..#i always say that things can only get better #but the universe always chucks something new at me #its exhausting #when does it end bc if it never ends i will gladly end it myself with my own two hands like i do not give a shit #literally only here because of promises #yeah sure im strong or whatever but being strong gets exhausting bro #i try so hard to enjoy life too but theres always something eating me up in the inside #im so :) fucking tired :)

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#not sure if its a personal call out #i promise i have never forgotten #i think about you everyday #i literally do everything just for you #i just cant bring myself to tell you about my life rn #i know it would make you sad to read about me being in pain everyday #i feel bad always relying on you #and only ever writing about sad things even when there are happy things #i dont want to make you sad with my sadness #i promise i am always thinking about you #i always have been #but things like my job and exams and starving myself would make you sad #ofc these are just things i have to do rn but this should be a time for you to rest and relax and i cant ruin that #everyday is so fucking hard tho like i really just want to write to you and tell you about all my worries #but to do that rn is so incredibly selfish of me #^__^ god i want to off myself so bad #september is just full of ironies

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#it will always keep me up wondering why people decided to hurt me like that #i know i should forgive them so that they can no longer hold power over me and so i can get over it #but why #why do i keep meeting people who just hurt me even more when i trust them not to #why #and after friday i feel like i should have confided in someone and talked about my feelings and how it hurt #but the self hatred is so strong i decided just to bury my emotions and cry in the car and just move past it #but why do i do that lmao like ppl hurt me and then i hurt myself even more #WHYYYYYY #genuinely wish i valued myself a bit more so that i wouldnt add gasoline to my own fire lmaooo #but i dont know how because i dislike myself so much and have 0 desire to live #trying not to kay em ess again is so very hard like genuinely so #i dont even know why i put up a fight sometimes

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#i never thought we’d fight LAWL #i feel like they hate me now and have the wrong idea of everything and dont want to hear me out #can the universe stop. doing this like.#everything just keeps getting worse bro can u STOP

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#plz the way i was cautious whenever i walked home late in korea bc i actually wanted to make it home #vs how here i dont even give a fk when i walk to my car after work when its late bc death does Not scare me #😹😹😹#when does the self hate END (2)

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#i think i spend so much time trying to not let myself enjoy things that when i finally let myself relax i just cannot #its concerning because i feel like its making me lose grip on what i Actually like.....#but of course my self deprecating ass does not let myself enjoy things ^__^#when was the last time i was relaxed like truly LOL #my anxiety doesn't even let me stay asleep #when does the self hate enddddddddd

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#so much is changing and my DOG might die #like are we fr #god is TESTING me. like i might just go w/ my dog to the afterlife #my life is a joke.#and i feel like i cant even confide in anyone LAWLLLLLLL

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