11to1

When I was 10, I thought by the time I left middle school I would have a boyfriend and finally grown out my hair and have fallen in love and would be thin.

What pressure to put on myself! But it was always for superficial things like a guy a hairstyle the width of my thighs never really for myself because a part of me still operates under the illusion that my happiness is derived from how I look. I think I've realised we do this all the time.

When I was 14, I thought by the time I was 18 I would have a boyfriend and finally grown out my hair and have fallen in love and would be thin but I don't have those things.

The last stressful two years of my schooling I would fantasize about university in my quiet moments, I would have a boyfriend and finally grown out my hair and have fallen in love and would be thin and you know what?

I realised that I've just repeated the process I have no boyfriend I have short hair I have never been in love and I have re-defined 'thin'.

And maybe now that I've postponed this personal renaissance to 20, I should know that we never really become who we wanted to become at 10 or 14 or 18 and that shouldn't be disappointing, because maybe that's just the cycle of life. Or just the cycle of mine.

This will just be a little place to post poetry and thoughts and act as a bit of an online time capsule for me a few years down the road.

Let's hope I improve over the course of this blog, Lord knows I need to.