some words

i sold my JC boots this morning! woo-hoo! part of me is sad, but that’s just the part of me who wants to hoard all of my possessions for fear of never experiencing their joy again. it is okay. she means well, but she often forgets that cleaning out the old inevitably makes room for something shiny and new. and we love shiny & new here. or just new to us. i love the idea of investing in pieces you love instead of finding the fast fashion version, and then turning around and selling it lightly used. i think of the difference as the price i paid to rent and enjoy the items for a while. this helps me take care of my things better, as I have a tendency to wash things wrong or leave them in the back of my car for an eternity. this will also, slowly, help me to not be so cluttered. to look at something i love but never wear and send it off to a more attentive owner. love that. love love love

i love the sound of birds in my ceiling. there is a lady-bug on my window pane, the second i’ve spotted in the last two days. the first was on a tree where i park my car. today is arguably the perfect weather. it is clear and blue with some fluffy clouds. it rained last night so there is that fresh crisp air that summer’s in new england do not typically provide. i’m hesitant to say it is summer and then realize it is june. i feel like the last time i checked the time it was 2019. i was always checking the time then. how many hours left of work. how many days until I get this or that is paid off. how many months until my birthday. now i’m pleased to share that there are treats in several moments of every day and i am no longer obsessed with the time. yes, i still get excited for things but not with the same painful yearning. i’m not deciding if that’s a good or bad thing yet. i don’t think it has to be either. like anything, it has it’s moments. i think what has changed is that the present moment is no longer insufferable. i don’t have to wait for a trip to find some relief in every day life -or- i no longer entertain a life i feel like i need to escape from. i recognize both the privilege along with the hard work and sacrifice. i know that younger version of me would be wildly jealous of the current timeline. but pleased to know that her’s at least means something. that eventually someday she too will join me here, too.

today I woke up feeling energized. I went to get breakfast and groceries for the rest of the week. hopefully. i love those little trader joe’s protein cups. so yummy. it is a beautiful mid 70s day in worcester. clear skies and a nice breeze that reminds me why i love new england this time of year. particularly love the smell of heat. today i am wearing a bikini top, bike shorts, and my favorite zip up sweater. this feels like a soul uniform. ready for the beach at any given moment, but also equally prepared for a nap. my friend is coming to co-work today and that will involve some work, but mostly introspective conversations about everything from celebrity gossip to personal shadow work, to whether or not that man really murdered his wife on the new netflix special. the best kind of friendship IMO. my offer was accepted on poshmark for this beautiful lil vintage victoria’s secret slip. it’s perfect. now to sell some of the clothes i no longer wear. the aritzia leather pants that were never really me, the red jeffrey campbell cowboy boots that are to die for, but hardly worn. i love a good barefoot moment. other than that catch me in birkenstocks or gym shoes. or uggs. when it comes to footwear im in what’s comfortable and not heavy. i want to feel free. i want to be fucking barefoot. 

i am smoking a joint in my kitchen with granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances with beautiful wood floors, hammered together by hand and sunlight peaking through the space where the A-frame allows windows plants hanging all over—fighting for a spot in today’s sun my dishwasher is running no, i have not hired a dishwasher but a machine that washes them for you I am listening to soft music it dances out of the speakers of my MacBook and around the room, it twirls with the smoke hanging above my head I own a MacBook it feels like a question who do I owe for that who do I owe now that i’ve acquired everything I’ve ever wanted will it ever feel like it belongs to me

pensive, she sat waiting for her modern-day prince charming, one who existed only in fictitious fairytales; longing, hoping she settled for second best who was in it for much less than her love

Take him because my name is still on the tip of his tongue his hands still reach for me his eyes still search for mine the taste of me, it lingers in his mouth every declaration of love starts and ends with me so take him take the little bit that I’ve left of him the scraps and the pieces because I’ve kept the best part of him and he doesn’t want it back

write every day. even just a little. this is how you find yourself again.

In a church full of people, none of them holy, I stood next to you and believed I was lucky. and that day I was, you see– the truth revealed herself to me like a bride on her wedding night unfolded into exactly what I had prayed for clarity and like any good drug, I fiend for more just once more, like this time is the last time, I’m sure one more red flag until I throw up the white, maybe then I will remember where I left my self worth put down the excuses the ones I’ve been nursing like a newborn the what if’s and the maybe’s and realize that there are no mistakes, only lessons, sometimes painfully learned. no love lost, just wisdom gained what is the word for losing someone and realizing you still owe them an apology? like giving too many chances to the wrong man like loving the right one at the wrong time, and then running out of it at least you gave me the words– I set the rhythm at least I can still sing.