#mindump

i love the sound of birds in my ceiling. there is a lady-bug on my window pane, the second i’ve spotted in the last two days. the first was on a tree where i park my car. today is arguably the perfect weather. it is clear and blue with some fluffy clouds. it rained last night so there is that fresh crisp air that summer’s in new england do not typically provide. i’m hesitant to say it is summer and then realize it is june. i feel like the last time i checked the time it was 2019. i was always checking the time then. how many hours left of work. how many days until I get this or that is paid off. how many months until my birthday. now i’m pleased to share that there are treats in several moments of every day and i am no longer obsessed with the time. yes, i still get excited for things but not with the same painful yearning. i’m not deciding if that’s a good or bad thing yet. i don’t think it has to be either. like anything, it has it’s moments. i think what has changed is that the present moment is no longer insufferable. i don’t have to wait for a trip to find some relief in every day life -or- i no longer entertain a life i feel like i need to escape from. i recognize both the privilege along with the hard work and sacrifice. i know that younger version of me would be wildly jealous of the current timeline. but pleased to know that her’s at least means something. that eventually someday she too will join me here, too.

my mind, body & soul are a gift and I should treat them as such 

there are times where I just want to get rid of everything. every single tangible possession. the black HM dress, the small owl succulent holder made out of concrete. all of my mail. the four pairs of identical ripped jeans that hang on my body, all the same. sometimes I want a clean slate. a new identity. i have a hard time figuring this one out, anyway. some things would scream for me to hold onto. if i toss the birthday cards, the congratulations, and get wells would the love still exist? my grandmother wrote “keep up the good grades so you will be granted “A” scholarship.” would I still remember her gentle motivation or her pride in me if I did not have a physical reminder. im not sure i’d forget entirely, but i would hate for the memory to fade. sometimes I look around in wonder, how did I accumulate all of this stuff. I wonder if my internal world also has a lot of stuff in it. it must, if you think about it. all the memories, reactions, feelings. the first time a boy pointed out the hair on my upper lip or hurled an insult because he felt emasculated or feared connection. the first time a boy broke my heart because he was too scared of his own. the first time my father left and resilience was born. these things lounge lazily about my body, in my hips, throat and tummy. I feel them all each day when I wake up. they slosh around and set fire to themselves when they hear someone perceive them. this quiet rage, the underbelly of the beast claws his way through my teeth just to say hello again. 

ugh I just want those beautiful green eyes of yours to look at me one more time so I can tell you how much I love you.