FOR THE GOOD OF THE REALM

shaved my face again 😎 got jumpscared a little by how much younger i look without my mini stache and chin hair beard whatever. but once that wore off, i really do like how i look w/o facial hair :) it’s like i’d tell people; my dysphoria was generally over not being able to grow facial hair, not about wanting to keep/maintain it

but i do like how it makes me look more male/a bit older… maybe down the line i’ll try keeping it & growing it out properly

the spotting is back :( rip to my sanity i guess. hoping it stays a minor inconvenience and stops in time for my camping trip next week.

FIVE MUTHAFUCKIN MONTHS

it feels like i was at four months yesterday this is INSANE.

not a ton of new changes honestly, i think the biggest thing had been body hair growth. which dont get me wrong i have been loving it! it’s just not crazy noticeable

my voice hasn’t dropped much more, which im okay with, but hoping it changes a little bit in the next few months.

acne hasn’t been too bad which is nice, same with BO. no big shifts. muscle growth is still going well— im STRONG now. it startles me. things that used to be challenging are barely phasing me.

i think my hair texture might’ve changed a little? it’s hard to tell. but wouldn’t mind a lil natural wave :)

my moods are leveling out again which is nice, but hoping that i can get my dose raised by at least .05 at my next appointment. i felt so good on .4, i’d love at least .35.

something that’s been very new for me is how much ive been passing lately. i think the combination of my voice, name, presentation, and physique are finally all working together. it’s been fantastic :)

thinking about asking my NP if i can do bi-weekly (twice) shots starting in september. my energy levels have been tanking BAD lately. i know part of it is probably a combo of my overall levels being a bit lower, not having steady work atm, and where i'm at month-wise (5mo in 5 days!) but i've heard this helps with "the dip" part of subq/IM injections.

i think i'd be able to handle a bi-weekly schedule now too, since i'm much more comfortable with doing the shots. on average it's a 12 minute process; 14 at the most, 10 at the least. i'm really happy with that! it doesn't scare me nearly as much as it used to, and honestly it feels really cool that i'm able to do this for myself. definitely makes me feel very independent and confident :)

i know some trans dudes are dysphoric over the act of doing shots/applying gel, since it's a reminder that [our] bodies don't naturally produce enough T by themselves. i also agree that that sucks ass. but i think since i spent so long wanting to get on T in the first place, it gave me time to internally handle that aspect of dysphoria to the point where i can just enjoy the fact that i'm finally starting to look, sound, feel, and truly be myself, even though i needed medical intervention to get here.

the test is actually turning me into a fucking menace. like i don't know what's come over me these days but i am so much more bold if that makes sense?

there's a dude i've been talking to a bit and i can't tell if i'm into him. met him on a dating app & have been texting back and forth for a bit, he's really chill and we get along. kind of attracted to him? it's surface level i think. he looked good on his profile and is a little older than me. so either i'm just easy or. no actually i think i'm just easy.

i've always kinda had a low bar, but man that shit is LOW these days. hoping he texts me back, i want to talk to him on the phone tonight :) who knows maybe if things align we'll end up meeting in person. he said he's 6'4", so we'll see if i can. get on his level, as it were.

twenty weeks on T today :) going home from a social evening— had a little meet n greet outing with a crew im working with, then went to a club for the first time.

pretty sure this was my first taste at being truly stealth, if only for a night. didn’t get misgendered once, and pretty sure all they could clock was me being queer. even went to the bathroom at the club. walked into a stall no issues. it was gross in there, but no one gave me a second look.

the club security gave me a second look when he checked my ID, most likely because it still says F. i didn’t falter or try to over-explain, and he let me through. just like that. insane.

there was something really nice about all of it. don’t know if i want to be fully stealth, but i like that now i have the option. existing doesn’t mean announcing anymore. i can choose who to tell rather than being worried about someone asking.

im sure it’s not permanent yet; i fully expect to get misgendered by strangers in the future. i know it’s not really fully escapable.

cycle came back 👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎

messaged my NP and she said it’s possible my levels are lower due to the dose adjustment, which allowed it to come back. hoping it’s temporary. she also said we could revisit raising the dose at my next appointment. so good, but not great because that’s in september :(

been a little more emotional/irritable/tired lately too, which makes a lot of sense now. hoping doing my shot tomorrow helps a bit. maybe i’m at a low since it’s the end of the week? who knows

told my parents about it in an effort to “keep being open” and “not hide things” but it was so fucking uncomfortable. i wanted to crawl under a rock and die. good god i hate this.

now that my dose has been lowered for around two months (.4mL -> .3mL) ive noticed a difference in my mood and energy levels. i feel a distinguishable gap between the two; on .4, i had MUCH more energy and motivation. i also felt more calm and in control of myself emotionally.

now on .3, it’s not worse to the point where i’d say things are bad. they’re still leagues ahead of my body operating on estrogen. im still much happier, much more sound of mind, much more confident and motivated. but there has been a decrease. i’ve had a harder time working through my anger. it’s harder to find the willpower to do things (though this is something ive struggled with pretty much my whole life). ive been sleeping SO much more.

i’m sure pieces of this are because ive been on T for 4ish months and am quite literally at the start of my puberty sequel. i’m confident all this will level itself out in a few years.

will definitely talk to my NP in my next appointment to see if i can go up to .35. i think it’d help, and still keep my levels in the healthy range. that’s why they got lowered in the first place— i was almost double the upper threshold. it could’ve been very bad for my health if it stayed there, so glad we caught it. but i know my body and i feel like things are a little low. maybe some T is converting into E, who knows.

four monthsssssss :D

honestly this month has felt slower in terms of changes, really it's just been more of the same. but that's good!!!! i'm glad it's starting to feel normal. i just feel like i'm getting older. i'm really glad about that :)

my voice is definitely deeper. one of my friends once told me it got lower in a two-week period and i don't know if he was just trying to make me feel better, but. definitely a difference from last month. also can't scream super high anymore! that was fun to learn at my last concert LOL

facial hair is growing back, slowly but surely! honestly so okay with it being kinda slow, i like being clean-shaven. on that note, my body hair is much thicker and longer. my legs especially. wasn't expecting to like it so much but it makes me feel so masculine :D

my skin is continuously getting rougher and rougher, which i also love! acne isn't awful... yet. still scared of that lowkey. muscle growth has been great too! so much stronger than i used to be, it feels fucking fantastic

bottom growth hasn't changed much but the big guy is doing great. still dealing with being worked up a lot but it's steadily getting more manageable. cycles seem to be officially gone too o7

mentally and emotionally still great :) i think my dose being a bit lower is affecting me here slightly, but not nearly close to where i was at before. i still feel so good all the time. it's fucking absurd. i was on a shoot today and didn't get misgendered once. the people i was talking to, strangers mind you, called me 'he' without me saying a single thing.

i think the combination of my voice, name, and male/masculine presentation are finally, finally paying off. just the fact that my voice is low, i have short hair, and my name is very stereotypically male is doing so much heavy lifting. i'm actually starting to pass more.

i've been thinking more about what i want out of my transition. i'm trying to let go of timelines and month-by-month expectations. chances are, i'm going to be on T for decades, most likely the rest of my life. that's a long fucking time. i don't want to be fully stealth. i really like that i'm able to connect to other queer and/or trans people in this specific way, especially other trans guys. but, i do want to be as male passing and unclockable as possible. there's such a sense of security i feel when i pass in public. knowing that people are actually seeing me for the real me is something i used to dream about. and now it's started happening. i want to have the choice to disclose, i don't want the choice made for me ever again.

i'm also thinking about maybe using the term transsexual for myself. it's something i've considered in the past, and it feels accurate. i've already transitioned my gender. i did that as a teen, and his hard work paid off. now, as an adult, i'm transitioning my sex. transgender doesn't feel fully wrong for me, just a bit inaccurate now. been there, done that, yknow? got bigger fish to fry now, and transsexual feels like it better encompasses what my current, in-progress goals are.

on the bus staring at my hands because they actually look like MY hands. they’re rough and veiny and defined. and they’re mine :)

saw someone describe starting HRT as waking up from a bad dream. not straight up a nightmare, just generally a bad, unpleasant, upsetting dream. im just under 120 days on T. that couldn’t be more exact to how it feels. i haven’t even been up for that long, in the grand scheme of things.

there’s a trinidadian singer named kes. my dad really likes his music, and i do as well. my first chosen name that really felt like me was keslar. it’s not my first name anymore. only my high school friends call me that, so i don’t hear it much. their nickname for me is kes.

i don’t always feel accepted by my family, namely my parents. my dad’s side is very catholic and most of them don’t know im trans. none of them know my name is kes. sometimes i worry that i’ll never be truly accepted by them as a real trini, for a lot of reasons.

thought maybe it was just summer but no. i sweat like a motherfucker now. it’s gross lowkey but hey more proof shit’s still happening.

happy pride!!!!!!!!!!! feeling gay feeling manly feeling queer as FUUUCK

don't think i posted about it yet but i shaved my face for the first time back on the 21st! it was cool and awesome and it took me a minute to get used to but i really like how i look clean-shaven :)

LOL two days late but i am officially three months on T!

big recap:

the acne is starting. got a few more pimples on my face, but a LOT more on my back. lowkey sucks ass but not the worst thing ever

i feel Bigger. like i feel taller, even though im not. definitely am more broad, and i gained some weight! not much, since my job definitely toned me down a bit, but hoping i see more gain in the next few months

hunger has tapered a bit but i think it’s because im not lifting shit constantly. hoping it comes back when i start working out next week o7

cannot sugarcoat or understate how horny ive been. feels weird to say so plainly but oh my god i want this to go away so bad. let me out of the building PLEASE

on that note bottom growth is very present. big man is still under 1” but he makes himself known

my hands Actually For Real This Time look different! my knuckles are more defined, and my palms feel more rough :D sick as shit

arms are still bigger than before, and now also veiny. that’s fucking awesome

tiiiiniest bit of redistribution i think. like i can’t prove it but. somethings different

my face & neck look wider if that makes sense? it’s not noticeable to anyone but me i think but i love it :)

facial hair growth! my buddy pointed it out. it’s hard to see in pics but it is there. got a stache going :) and some chin hair! letting it do its thing for a little longer before i shave for the first time. but oh man i am excited to shave my face for the first time :D

MY VOICE IS DEEPER AND BASSY AND I LOVE IT. I NEVER SHUT UP ONCE I START YAPPING. I SOUND LIKE ME. I CAN KEEP UP WITH MORE OF MY FAV MALE SINGERS AND RAPPERS. I LOVE IT AND I LOVE LIFE

my cycles might be gone. knock on wood. spotting stopped last month and i am currently 2.5 weeks late. so. hoping so so fucking hard i am out of that building

overall, mentally & emotionally great! have definitely had some tough days, but they’re tough DAYS. my other days are good. like not good “for me”, good. i didn’t know living could feel like this :)