abjectionly starving

i really want, need, to die right now. i don’t deserve to live at all. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i’m praying to everything holy to kill me. just kill me. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.

i got a stomach bug, and while everyone was worried about me, i couldn't be happier.

my constant longing towards death is like a flower in my heart. i long, and long, and long and long for the sweet nectar of death. the scent of death, the flower constantly blooming in my heart, clouds my brain and creates a garden of noise.

i've been in a losing, gaining, losing, gaining cycle and i'm literally going to kill my self <3

and when i die, at least my remains would achieve my goals.

mentally, i'm shaking hands with death but physically i'm present; "alive".

"you're as comforting as the ocean and yet as mysterious as its depths."

to feel life i need to feel death but to feel death is to not be alive.

feeling alone in a crowded room, as if everyone is aware of my presence but cowardly distancing their selves to gossip.

i feel like joining the stars. i'm burning so intensely from within that i can feel death is a step away. a supernova waiting to quietly occur.

i'm losing weight steadily now, and i'm so happy about it. really close to my first gw. but i want to reach it before the end of this month and head towards my next gw.

the urge to simply not exist is so strong that it translates into existing while taking up the least space.