You Make Me Better Than I Was Before

Not really. They spend more time here, I guess. But that’s good, ain’t it? They’ve got Katniss and Peeta and Sae and the Hob and good air to breathe and nature. And the boy sleeps just fine.

Kids are different.

I know, but … why now? And what can I do to help her? Effs and I do bedtime together and she goes to sleep same as her brother but then she’s up again by midnight, comes downstairs and just … wanders, I guess. She drifts through the house like a lil’ ghost. Goes from room to room like she’s looking for someone. But when I touch her shoulder to let her know I’m there, she wriggles free like I annoy her, dashes forward a few steps and then continues searching.

She always had a mind of her own, sure, but this isn’t like her, Tess. She loves to cuddle, most of the time, but at night it’s like she can’t stand me. Like she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I stay up all night now. Just in case she needs me. I follow a few paces behind, making sure she doesn’t hurt herself. Eventually, she moves back up the stairs on her own and when I pull the cover from her bed, she crawls back in and sleeps there for the rest of the night. She doesn’t remember it the next morning but wakes up exhausted. Fussier than usual. More prone to tantrums. They both are, really. I don’t know what to do …

Have you spoken to their pediatrician?

No. I called you. He’s in the Capitol, anyway. Complete quack. You’re the only doctor I trust. What should I do? What can I do?

Well, for starters you can put the baby gate back up. That’ll keep your child away from stairs at least.

Right. Yeah, I thought of that, but …

Yes?

Effs sort of, kind of doesn’t … know about this? I didn’t wanna worry her. And since I’m awake anyway, it’s not like the kid’s unsupervised.

Haymitch … it is not my place to tell you how to live your life, but I really think you should play with open cards around your co-parent. Tell her what’s going on.

And never see my children ever again??

…

Sorry. Sorry, I know you’re just trying to help. Fuck! *draws a big breath* This’ll run its course, right? Effie doesn’t sleepwalk anymore. It’s just a phase. A normal part of childhood, yeah?

It can be. Sometimes it’s genetic factors. Or environmental changes. Medication. An underlying medical condition, though that’s rare.

Or? What else?

I think you know what else, Haymitch. Why don’t you tell me?

… stress.

Stress.

xXx

Sae didn’t bat an eyelid at the state of the living room. It was Haymitch’s place after all, and she already did the kitchen so … this was just more of the same.

With the wicker basket on one hip, she went from spot to spot, plucking garments from the couch, the armchairs, under tables. Maybe they played dress-up last night and that’s why it piled up. Or maybe it was just the everyday life with two under 5.

When there was no more laundry to gather, she retreated, heading back for the bathroom.

Haymitch sat where she had left him. Hadn’t moved an inch since she first walked in.

Typical Hay to pee with the door ajar.

He’d never enjoyed closed spaces, with no immediate way out. Not since his Games.

The poor man sat slumped forward on the toilet seat, arm slung over the side of the sink. Head buried against it, he snored softly. His pants and underthings all lay in a heap around his ankles.

She set the basket down on top of the washing machine. Sifting through it, she began sorting it, color by color. The act only caused soft rustles, but standing this close, it was still enough.

Haymitch woke mid-snore. He lifted his ruddy face her way, surrounded by a wild disarray of dirty blonde hair. It took him a moment to even get her into focus.

“Oh … you. What’re you doin’ here?” He blinked slowly at her handling the laundry. “I was gon’ do that”, he said with a weak attempt at a protest. Drool trickled from his chin, and he wiped it with a slack hand. Looking down, realizing the family jewels were all on display he quickly covered himself up. “Heeey …”

“Oh, please.” Sae opened the washer door and started loading the drum. “Nothing there I haven’t seen already. It’s good you pee sitting down though”, she said. “Good for the prostate. Especially now that you’re older.”

Haymitch tsked, shooting her a long look.

“Did you skip your nap, boy?” Sae clicked the machine shut and reached for the washing powder. “You’ve got that same face you had when you were tiny and fussy.”

“Lemme be, Sae”, Haymitch muttered, unhooked a hand towel and covered his groin. “And you better not clean the rest of the house”, he said. “I promised I’d get the place spotless by the time she comes back. Where are they, anyway?”

“Delly’s looking after the little ones”, Sae said, pouring a scoop into the detergent drawer. “Effie’s over at my house, having herself a long, nice bath. We all ran into each other at the bakery. I thought she looked awfully tired so I gave her my keys. Promised I’d check up on you.”

Haymitch pressed his mouth into a surly pout. Sitting there half-naked his face was little more than a pinched scowl.

“Does you head hurt?” Sae asked.

“No!” Haymitch shot back. “I didn’t drink last night if that’s what you mean! I just … I …” He drew a loud, exasperated sigh. “I haven’t been sleeping well, is all. That a crime? Now would you please get out so I can take a shit?”

“In a minute.”

“There’s really no reason for you to be here. None at all!” he said and, more to himself, he added surly: “If Effs needed a shower, we’ve got one fully functioning, right here. I can take care of my own bloody kids …”

“Not if you’re asleep.”

“That was like two minutes!” Haymitch protested. “I’m fine, Sae. We’re fine!”

“If you say so.”

“No, really! I got it under control! I coulda had a drink last night, but did I? No, I did not! See! I’m handling it!”

Sae ignored him, pushed a few buttons and the washer wooshed to life. Water began to trickle as the drum slowly rolled into motion, going in its usual circles.

“Better take a shower, Haymitch”, she said, as she exited the bathroom. “You stink.”

“No, I don’t!” Haymitch said, then tentatively smelled his armpit.

“I left some cornbread on the counter!” Sae called, on her way up the stairs to make the beds. “Courtesy of Peeta Mellark. Make sure you have some, and don’t forget to wash your hands first.”

“Quit telling me what to do!” Haymitch shouted right back.

xXx

“Kids, kids, kids!” Haymitch raised his voice to be heard, while he struggled to fit Amy’s leg into the padded fabric of the snowsuit. “Inside voices, please.”

“But Ian’s touching me!” Amy thundered.

“No ’m not”, Ian said, hopping around the hallway, still not dressed by half. “Look!” he grinned, dangling his hand right above Amy’s head. “Air’s free! The air’s free!”

“Don’t tease your sister”, Haymitch said. “It’s not nice and you’re making her sad.”

“No sad!” Amy spat. “Mad!”

With one leg clothed, Haymitch held out the second overall leg in front of the girl. When she wouldn’t lift her foot, he lifted it for her, guiding it into the waiting boot.

“Ian, where’re your socks?” he asked, suddenly realizing that the woolen ones he’d dug out for the boy and pulled on, were nowhere to be seen.

“I dunno”, Ian answered, out of breath, strawberry hair flying as he hopped in circles around Amy, hand raised. “Air is free. Air’s … ow!” he yelped and rubbed his shoulder. “Dada, Amy punched me!”

“Well, that’s what you get for teasing”, Haymitch replied.

“Bleh!” Amy stuck her tongue out at her brother. In response, Ian smacked her shoulder right back.

“No!” Haymitch said. “Quit it, you two. Both of you. We don’t punch each other in this household.”

“Humph!” Ian pouted, face flushed. Looking down at his t-shirt, he stretched the fabric out with displeasure. “I don’t want birdies”, he said. “I want dinosaurs.”

“That’s the one you told mama you wanted last night”, Haymitch said, biting his tongue to keep his voice patient.

“Nuh-uh! No, I didn’t …”

“Birds are a kind of dinosaur”, Haymitch argued, sweating as he struggled with the front zipper of Amy’s snowsuit. A zipper that, no matter how careful you were, snug on the fabric every goddamn time. “It’s the same thing, really.”

“No, it’s not”, Ian said. “I want dinosaurs!”

“Me too”, Amy said.

“Oh, come on, guys, please, we just got the snowsuit on”, Haymitch said, desperate. “Can’t we just all be birdies today and make tomorrow a dinosaur day? I’ll put on something with birds too. How about that?”

But he knew it was a lost cause as both Amy and Ian shook their heads violently. Sighing with defeat, he sank his. Eyes closed.

One, two, three, four …

“Effs!” he called next, over their heads and into the house. “Effie?!”

“Inside voices, daddy”, the twins said, both at the same time.

“Fine … fine.” Haymitch struggled to his feet, knees creaking from the strain. “I’ll get you the dinosaurs”, he said. “In a moment, OK? Imma go see what’s become of mama.” He caressed first Ian’s hair, then Amy’s. “You stay right here and, uh … count to ten as slow as you can. If you can do it three times in a row, you’ll both get blueberries with your oatmeal tomorrow.”

Effie had said something about making a quick phone call after breakfast. But he’d been so distracted he couldn’t remember to whom. Not Katniss or Peeta.

He found her in the living room. Over by a window, back to him. Looking out at the powdery snow, she held the cordless phone against her ear.

Something was up. Something bad. He could tell just from her posture.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come over?” Effie said, to whoever it was on the line. “I would love to help with anything that I can. Anything that you need, while she recovers?”

A cold hand clutched Haymitch’s heart, watching her from the doorway.

Effie listened to what the other person said.

“OK. I understand. Just send her my love, would you? And don’t hesitate to call. We’re here for you. Again, I am so so sorry.”

“Eff?” Haymitch murmured once the call ended. “What’s happened?”

Effie remained by the window. Elbows cupped in her hands, she stared out at the snow. As if the mere sight of it gave her chills.

He crossed over to her, hesitantly. “Princess? Who was that?”

Her hand found her eyes. Rubbing them, a sob escaped her. Without a word, she turned suddenly and burrowed into him. Face against his chest.

Haymitch sucked in a startled breath. He couldn't help it. It was so long since she last touched him. Touched him by choice.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, alarmed, as his arms encircled her. He patted her awkwardly on the back. “What’s wrong?”

“That was June”, Effie whispered into his jersey. “Annabel, she … she lost the baby.”

Haymitch's heart sank.

“Oh no …”

“There were some odd bleedings”, she continued, words trembling. “And when they got to the hospital ...” She closed her eyes shut. “Poor Annabel. Poor June. They got to hear the heartbeat for the first time only last appointment and now …”

“I know.”

“I told June I'd be on the next train, without the kids, but she says Annabel isn't ready to see anyone yet.”

Haymitch held her tight. Caressed her back. Her hair. “We can send them a food basket”, he said. “Flowers. Something …” His voice faltered. He heard himself how pointless and insignificant it sounded. “Let them know our hearts are with them.”

“I feel so useless”, Effie whispered, echoing his thoughts. She curled her fingers through the fabric of his chest. “I just wish I could do something”, she said, voice thin.

“You already are”, Haymitch answered. “You're giving them space. That's caring.”

“Is it?” she mumbled.

“Yes”, he said, voice soft but firm. “If that's what they need, it is. And they're not alone, Eff. They have each other. And their friends and neighbors over in Eleven. People close. People who care.”

Commotion came from the hallway, followed by Amy and Ian’s furious howls.

Drawing in a sigh, Effie pulled away just enough to face him.

“You wanna stay in today?” Haymitch brushed a tear from her cheek. “We could, you know.”

“No, we promised.” More tears tilted down her face, but she quickly wiped them. “Let's go”, she mumbled, looking away. “Before they wreck the whole house.”

To be continued …